The cycle seems to be 2-3 weeks of her stating that we are working on the marriage, followed by an incident of out of work contact and a sudden change of heart to wanting a divorce.
Another example of how an A is an addiction. She will vacillate between you and OM until something either causes her to realize what she really wants, or something dies. It is much better for the WW to realize what it is she really wants and for her to have to "work" to get it, rather than wait till something dies.
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Today she claims that she is no longer leaning towards divorce but thinks she might want to work on things again.
As long as she is using words like "might", she's not serious about it. When you proposed M, how you would have felt if she said she might, but then again she might not?
As long as she has you and the M on hold, while she has OM waiting in the wings, don't expect successful results.
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She sent a couple of job postings that she sent resumes into today, she said she's really been focusing on the positive these last 3 days.
Now if the two of you had sat down and worked up a plan in how to heal the M after her A....and she had agreed whole-heartily to showing evidence of ending the A and moving forward in the M....and if she was willing to give accountability of her time/actions.....then I would say this was a sign of her good efforts. However, by giving her all the power in the R (IOW, it's up to whatever she decides about it), then I have doubts about this. She may have had some degree of good intentions at the time, but it has to be more than good intentions to keep her on the right road. As long as she's saying she "might" work on the M, it's not a commitment and she's leaving the backdoor open to continue the A.
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I have been working on being a better husband - the type only a fool would leave. I thought it was working. She said she had noticed a lot of changes and liked them. Then all of a sudden, she gets a fix, and everything changes overnight.
Okay, so you've shown her what she could have in you as her H. But if she thinks she can keep you at bay while she continues with the back & forth game, being the wonderful H won't be enough to save this M. You showed her your changes and she chose to dabble in the A again, so now it's time to respond by showing her a strong, decisive man who will not share his W with another man. That means you won't put up with anymore cr@p. You won't settle for her crumbs, nor her wishy-washy heart. You know what you want....which is a W who wants to be with you and no other man. An open M is a deal breaker for you. If she's unsure about making that decision and keeps having to "think about it", then you should prepare to make some decisions of your own. If you don't, then I think the disrespect for you will rise in her until she has no intentions at all of staying in this MR. Even a WW/WAW will respect a man who who lives by the convictions of his own heart. You can forgive her, but you don't have to continue to live in that situation...while you hope upon hope she will pick you over OM.
You may have to consider separation before she will see what she's lost. And I do believe a WW has to suffer some kind of loss...strong enough to hit the core of her being. Otherwise, she stands a good chance of being a serial cheater. However, don't throw this at her like a threat b/c it won't have the results you want. In fact, don't tell her any of this I've shared in this post. It's for your eyes only. But if she starts up about having to think about it, you may tell her you both have some big decisions to make.
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We'll see what she has for me when I get home tonight. I plan to hold her to the same thing I said to her before i left. Zero contact, new job ASAP (within 3-4 weeks is probably realistic), a definable plan that helps her get over the affair, a definable plan that helps us heal our marriage and willingness to make the tough choices and adhere to those plans. Otherwise, I think she needs to move out.
Good! But know it won't be easy if you are tested to stick to your word.
I don't know if the two of you could survive 3-4 weeks without her working, but that is a lifetime for a WW who is trying to end an A with a man she works closely with. I just don't know if it's doable.
Remember what you said about her getting her "fix"? You can almost judge how the A is going by her mood or her decision about working on the M. If things aren't going with OM quite like she wants or she's withdrawing from the A, then her mood will probably be sad/quite/angry/wanting to be alone. If she seems to be all giddy/silly and happy acting, then that usually means OM is feeding her big spoonfuls of ego food and they are closer.
Don't react hastily in anything you decide. Be sure you know what you want and have a plan before reacting out of emotions. This your life and you will live with the good and/or the bad outcome.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
