Learning to detach

[job]

WR,
You are not alone. Many of them act just as your h has. There's no telling what is running through his mind, but he definitely wants to show you who is running the show. It's called control and he doesn't want you to have any say in the matter. Well, it's going to get very interesting when he's advised he needs to cough up the money. He'll be one angry little nutty buddy, but give him a wide berth.

Please come here to talk...

[Whiterose]

I think, job, you've hit the nail on the head. When H's parents lost the house he HATED having to move to his sister's house. She was so far from his friends and life. He actually lived out of his friend's car sleeping on couches rather than go home. He felt like he had no control. Our marriage has very much been a parent/child relationship, due to both our personalities, and he did say that I always told him what to do and with the responsibilities of family he, once again, felt like he had no control. He's desperate to get control over his life but has no understanding of how and is destroying everything in his path. Life abilities that he should have learned he just never did. He still isn't learning independence. S18 mentioned, with a fair amount of disgust, how his sister and his mom made sure his plate was full, they packed him dinners to td me home, my mil kep reminding him to take his antibiotics. I did coddle H a fair amount but this was a bone of contention for us whenever we got together with his family. I don't serve hand and foot (just hand lol) and he's happy to be the baby boy again I guess.

We'll see what happens when my lawyer sends in my papers and what I'm after. I'm also changing my name back, I don't think he'll be surprised as I've always wanted to keep my maiden name but it wasn't worth the fight early on, so my legal documents will be coming in with my maiden name on them. I'm grateful that I fought to have the boys last names hi fen acted because they'll still have both our last names. I should say that when S18 was born H was not in the pic right away so I gave him my last name. When we got married S18 was 2.5 and I didn't feel like he should only be H's name as my parents had supported me in their home up until the day we married. My mil hated me for it and h eventually got used to it. Hindsight makes me super happy I did.

Thank you again, to everyone, for your support and prayers. You all "get it" and we speak the same MLC language. It's comforting to have such great people on my side

[willbwell]

(((hugs)))

[Whiterose]

Thank you WBW. I needed one

I hope you're doing ok and sending a hug to you

[Whiterose]

More craziness on H's mlc front.
I received a phone call from my lawyer after she had taled to opposing counsel.

He said that h has accused me of poisoning the boys against him. I got angry. Told her other than telling the boys to be honest with their dad about their feelings I stay out of it. I said from day one I told H that the boys were having a hard time. To talk to them. Be there for them. I was told I was saying things to make H feel guilty. So I stopped and got a text asking why S14 wasn't talking to him. I responded with ask s. Now, inappropriately, he asks S18 what is going on My lawyer tried disagreeing that the boys cannot just tell their dad how they feel as it will upset him. Now I'm really angry. Is said I do not care about H's feelings. He made this mess. The boys feel scared, angry and insecure and as their father he needs to take his medicine and hear what they feel and then help them through it. I also mentioned that I often ask my boys about things I've said and done and if I've upset them. Time for h to man up and be a dad. Is said S14 needs to be met where he's at and he's comfortable in our home so this is where h needs to be for him. The lawyer "you don't want him to move back in??" Me nooooo but he can come and be here for his boys. She asked about setting up visitation. I said I don't need visitation he can come wherever he wants. She said it was inappropriate because he doesn't live here and I said you don't understand I don't cAre. His boys are here and need him. He can come whenever and be with them. She suggested we suggest sat 2pm or h can contact me if that doesn't work. I said he won't come. He doesn't come to the house at all but it looks like we've tried.

His lawyer painted a pic of a calm, composed, sad H. (Referring to the comments he made to me about not paying the mortgage) and that I was the one being irrationall and stalling. Leaving his stuff at the end of the driveway (never mind it was in the greenhouse and I would let him know it was there)

His lawyer said I though she was pre approved for the mortgage and my lawyer said yes but not without the spousal and child support in place. Now that the form 8 is done we can work on that. His lawyer says I thought her income was on par with h.......no!!! Gross yes but she deals with perishable products and her net is less than half. He was surprised I think. He said will this is talking too long. My lawyer said she's retained me in July. It's actually gone quite quickly. She said just the fact they've agreed to a number for the house already puts them ahead. His lawyer said he warned H it's way too low and my lawyer said I've advised my client it's way too high since many homes sell for below assesd value. She then said ultimately they've decided so lawyers should not be muddying the water.

Then came the furniture/tools talk. She said h is entitled, which I don't dispute, but it doesn't make it any less repugnant that he would take stuff from his children's home to furnish his new life. I've known a few people and each one of those men left with nothing or one thing. I told my lawyer I didn't care what the law states just because it's legal doesn't make it ethical. Oh and h has decided that when S18 turns 19 next month he won't be giving me child support for the TWO months before he goes back to school. Nice. Like he's not going to need food. Again, I understand the law is on his side, but it's disguising that his father would do that!!!

I was also told h would be paying me my back child support and start paying the school fees ASAP. As he filed that with the courts when he mDe the court date

My lawyer sent a recap and guess what h was having none of it
H won't be coming by sat as he has to work. I guess you can't come by after work???? H said he's discussed, there're minute convo 2 weeks ago and he has not responded since, it directly with S14 and will continue to do so to improve their relationship.

Apparently my lawyer heard wrong and H is "tapped out" and is going to attempt to make a payment At the end of the month. Oh and because he was paying the mortgage after he left he's basically allowed to bounce that money to me now.....inferred

Oh and they want clarification if I am preapproved and to see the mortgage application. Making sure I'm not hiding money.

I'm disgusted with his attitude towards our boys and this sense of entitlement, legal or not, to come into this home and take what he so desires. You left you left. Stay gone and get yourself the new life you dreamed of!!!! Leave my children, who do not desire a new life, out of it!!!!! Soooooooooo angry

[willbwell]

I hear you white rose. today will be a new day. They may hurt us financially, but they cannot take our spirits. Our children are the prize. I am sad for my children that they will no longer have the same relationship with their dad. I had asked h in several emails to talk with the boys. never happened. oh, they talk, how's school, sports? but h doesn't ask them if they have any questions for him or want to talk about anything other than superficial. I know in my heart though that I am absolutely there for them. your boys know this too about you!

[job]

WR,
I'm sorry that everything played out the way it did yesterday. I had a feeling the refinancing of the mortgage was the bone of contention for your h. So, to get you moving on it, he filed. No matter what you say or do or the proof that you have, he will not believe you when you advise him that it takes time. In their minds, they feel we are holding them back, so the anger comes out to play and generally it's the divorce key or withholding of alimony or child support. They feel entitled and yes powerful, controlling and manipulative.

What I read many years ago is that as children, they had no power or control over their lives, so when they grow up and have mlcers, they become entitled and yes, they then have money to control and do whatever they want, even if it means destroying a family and home that they may have loved pre crisis.

I would provide them w/whatever they need, but do yourself a favor and cover up your SSN. You don't want that out there for anyone to use, not saying that your h would stoop that low, but you never know w/identity theft going on all over the world.

Again, I'm sorry about the way things went down, but you now have a better idea of what you are dealing with. Please take care of yourself.

[Whiterose]

WBW our children are the prize and as much as I'm doing I just can't be their dad. I'm sorry for your children, my children, all these poor kids with crazy a$$ parents that just snap. It's not right.

Job, oh yes, I knew this was the crux of the problem for him too. He is DESPERATE for his money. Sees nothing else. I cannot understand his lawyer who also says things like I'm taking too long.....is he helping to feed him this crap? My lawyer is very straight forward with what is possible, etc, and I'm wondering if H's lawyer is pushing. The fact that my lawyer had to advise his lawyer not to be muddying water, in re to the value of the house, is not a good sign either.

H messaged S18 today asking if he could use his discount at work to buy some burnable cd's. S said he doesn't get a discount on that, he does, but doesn't want his dad to use it. He's mentioned, in the past, how his dad only wants his work discount. I tried talking to S14 about what he would be ok giving to his dad. Explaining we could replace stuff, etc, and he doesn't want to give him anything. S18 told me he asked too and S14 said "b1tch left b1tch gets nothing!" My kids don't talk like that and this is the second time S14 has used curse words in re to his dad. Not in front of me, or I'd correct him, so not sure if I should bring it up to say you can't talk about your dad like that or is it worse that he thinks his brother broke his confidence and I should just leave it?

[job]

WR,
I think your h has been feeding his attorney a load of bs and because your h is his client, he has to listen and go by what he has said. Some lawyers will push through a divorce, but there are some out there that recognize mlc and will string them along cause both parties to have to pay a lot of money in the long run w/the going back and forth. Your lawyer knows what he's doing and you are paying him dearly for his guidance and advice...let him do the talking and walking for you when it comes to negotiations...but I would advise my lawyer that I do not want this back and forth stuff to go on forever and a day.

As for your S18, I don't blame him...his father is using him. I think your S can handle his discount issue w/his father. If his father continues to bug him about it, I'm sure your S will eventually have to tell him to that the discount is for him and him only since he's the one working there. He might even want to suggest that his father come to work there if he likes the discount that much. LOL!

As for your younger s, I wouldn't say anything at this time. You don't want him to feel like his brother broke his confidence. He does need to feel like he's got someone to talk to.

It's very evident how your sons feel about their father's behavior. It's a shame that eventually they are going to be put on the spot w/him and they are going to tell him like it is. Both of your sons are old enough now to tell their father how they feel and it will be up to the three of them to figure out what kind of relationship they want to have. It may boil down to some or none, but you can't force the issue.

Please take care of yourself.

[Whiterose]

I need to say something job, I'm in for thousands, I don't initiate, it's all in response to H's lawyer. For a man that didn't want to use lawyers he seems pretty dependant

Hahahaha. That's funny! I'll suggest that to s18 if it comes up again.

I won't say anything to S14. I noticed h messaged him yesterday, and called, both ignored. Wonder when H will realize that his sons are in a state and need a dad not a text friend?

It's been another week of craziness. How I long for him just to leave me alone and stop with all the lawyer crap. You wanted to go and now you're gone. No one else wanted this so go start your new life and leave us the he77 alone