I had an interesting conversation with H this week. It was the first "real" conversation we have had in months.
I have been avoiding conversations about R and the future the past couple of weeks and was doing a great job. But I knew that we were going to need to have a conversation because of an opportunity that my husband had been presented with at work.
We were talking on the phone about logistics with the kids and he brought up the investment opportunity. H had previously said that it was not a viable options (which I knew was not true) or always had another excuse. I told him since the beginning that I thought it was a great opportunity and I will fully supportive, even about BD. This conversation was different. He admitted that he wanted to do it. He also admitted that he was frustrated because he felt like he had worked hard for the opportunity and I was only out for his money.
For the first time ever, I was not defensive and validated his concerns. I said that I could understand that given our situation. I then asked why he specifically felt that way. He said that I told him months ago that since he ruined my life and our family I would ruin his life and if he took the kids I would just quit so I could see them. When he was finished talking, I validated again (small victories). I then reminded him that I made the comment on the same day that I confirmed his affair, the worst day of my entire life. I told him that I understood why he had felt concerned but asked him to look at the type of person I have been for 15 years (I seriously hate conflict and have never intentionally hurt anyone). I apologize for the statement that I made out of anger and pure grief, and reminded him that by actions since BD have been the complete opposite and that I can done nothing to seed revenge or ruin his life. I told him that no matter what happens, I have no intention of hurting him despite what has happened over the past year. I told him that I did not care about the money and that I had only hoped that he would include me in the discussion about the opportunity as a courtesy and not just go behind my back. I also explained that if I ask questions about finances, it is not because I am trying to secure money but simply because he was always in charge of our finances. He apologized for his frustration and for pushing me away. He said that he knew in his heart that I am not that kind of person and said that he was sorry for basing his opinion on a comment I made when I was in shock and so much pain.
Accomplishment No. 1 - I think that I opened the cage and he now knows that he is free to leave if he wants. This conversation could have potentially given him the green light to leave, but now I know that we hopefully wont be in limbo forever based on his fear of revenge, etc. For some reason, it feels freeing to know that.
We continued our conversation after we determined to move forward with the investment opportunity. We got onto the subject of the issues that he had with me during our marriage the past couple years. I have done a lot of soul searching and spent weeks/months focusing on me. I had been toying with the idea of writing a letter to H apologizing but I was waiting for the write opportunity. For some reason, it felt like this conversation was the perfect opportunity. I started by telling H that I was sorry for the current situation we were in. I told him that I was so busy demanding that he apologize to me for his actions that I never apologized for my part in the downfall of our marriage. I went through everything that I was sorry for without giving any justifications. I apologized for not appreciating his hard work. I apologized for not fully loving our family and my life (I complained about my job, wanted more kids, longed to have a baby girl). With tears in my eyes, I said how could I expect H to love me and our family when I did not appreciate and love with all of my heart). I told him that at the time I had reasons for each of these things, but in the end it did not matter. I knew that it was wrong, it hurt our friendship and marriage and I was truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.
My H listened as I talked and I could tell that he was crying. My H has not cried since the day that he moved out. H has showed no emotion since other than frustration and anger.
When I was finished, H said that if I could not tell he was crying. He thanked me for the apology and said that he could already see how different I am and how much happier I seem. He said that this was a really good conversation. We said goodnight and our conversation ended.
I am not sure if this would have been recommended by DB, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I apologized from the bottom of my heart, but no expectations that my apology would change my situation. I knew that when I saw H the following morning, it would be back to business as usual. But I was ok with it. I have come so far since July. I know that if our marriage does not work, I will be ok because I am a much stronger and happier person. I know that I cannot depend on others for my own happiness.
I am trying not to mind read what is going on with H. I know that H has been focusing on me during his IC. I hope that his gives him the nudge to start focusing on his own journey. Our interactions have improved since Tuesday night and there seems to be a little less tension in the air between us. I will take what I can get
