You have a lot of stuff that has happened in your M...
1997-birth of a child 1999?-H has motorbike accident 2001-you have EA, which he doesn't know about 2003-you want D and tell him about old and ended EA 2004-he wants to try swinging, you agree, however you aren't really happy with it and want it to stop On and off with this lifestyle (on his part)until 2007.
First bomb, admits OW, wants D...
You DB for a few months and he wants to reconcile. Says all of the right things, you post in piecing for a month, and then you disappear...
Did any of the counseling happen? Did any of the things you were beginning to do continue? Like the meditation classes, taking care of yourself physically, taking time to love yourself?
I am going to bet it probably didn't since you are back here...
So it's 2013...
You have been through a storm of a M. You have made your mistakes, just as your H has made his.
You used DB tactics to reconcile your M once (did that too) but you didn't do the follow through and back here you are...
maybe dealing with MLC, maybe not...
here none the less...
You being here tells me that maybe you don't want to quit just yet...
Let me know if I am off base. I want to make sure I understand the timeline...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You have a lot of stuff that has happened in your M...
1997-birth of a child 1999?-H has motorbike accident 2001-you have EA, which he doesn't know about 2003-you want D and tell him about old and ended EA 2004-he wants to try swinging, you agree, however you aren't really happy with it and want it to stop On and off with this lifestyle (on his part)until 2007.
Mostly accurate timeline here except when I revealed EA I did not ask for a D, I was trying to get his attention.
2003 - His uncle he looked up to, dies suddenly 2008 - I go through major drama and stress at work due to corporate takeover. Change jobs too. We also find out my younger brother has been arrested and goes to prison for the rest of his life because he has been molesting/sexually abusing his daughter.
2012 - My father dies and I am emotional wreck. Started becoming depressed because of my weight issues, (have the fab fat over 40 gain, try everything to lose and cannot) my father dying and knowing that my M is going downhill. I am a ball of stress. Not treating H well at all.
First bomb, admits OW, wants D...
You DB for a few months and he wants to reconcile. Says all of the right things, you post in piecing for a month, and then you disappear...
I did disappear, I noticed that too when I reread. I was probably too happy to realize I needed to keep going...I thought things were 'fixed'
Did any of the counseling happen? Did any of the things you were beginning to do continue? Like the meditation classes, taking care of yourself physically, taking time to love yourself?
We never went to counseling, H thought things were 'fixed' too. I did meditation for a while. Over the 6 years I began to gain weight due to emotional stressors still involved, so no I didn't take care of myself. I remember feeling like I could never compare to the PA he had or be what he wanted.
I am going to bet it probably didn't since you are back here... On the nose! you got it.
So it's 2013...
You have been through a storm of a M. You have made your mistakes, just as your H has made his.
You used DB tactics to reconcile your M once (did that too) but you didn't do the follow through and back here you are...
maybe dealing with MLC, maybe not...
here none the less...
You being here tells me that maybe you don't want to quit just yet...
You're right. Deep down I do not want to give up on this marriage or him.
Let me know if I am off base. I want to make sure I understand the timeline...
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
You have a lot of stuff that has happened in your M...
1997-birth of a child 1999?-H has motorbike accident 2001-you have EA, which he doesn't know about 2003-you want D and tell him about old and ended EA 2004-he wants to try swinging, you agree, however you aren't really happy with it and want it to stop On and off with this lifestyle (on his part)until 2007.
Mostly accurate timeline here except when I revealed EA I did not ask for a D, I was trying to get his attention.
2003 - His uncle he looked up to, dies suddenly 2008 - I go through major drama and stress at work due to corporate takeover. Change jobs too. We also find out my younger brother has been arrested and goes to prison for the rest of his life because he has been molesting/sexually abusing his daughter.
2012 - My father dies and I am emotional wreck. Started becoming depressed because of my weight issues, (have the fab fat over 40 gain, try everything to lose and cannot) my father dying and knowing that my M is going downhill. I am a ball of stress. Not treating H well at all.
First bomb, admits OW, wants D...
You DB for a few months and he wants to reconcile. Says all of the right things, you post in piecing for a month, and then you disappear...
I did disappear, I noticed that too when I reread. I was probably too happy to realize I needed to keep going...I thought things were 'fixed'
Did any of the counseling happen? Did any of the things you were beginning to do continue? Like the meditation classes, taking care of yourself physically, taking time to love yourself?
We never went to counseling, H thought things were 'fixed' too. I did meditation for a while. Over the 6 years I began to gain weight due to emotional stressors still involved, so no I didn't take care of myself. I remember feeling like I could never compare to the PA he had or be what he wanted.
I am going to bet it probably didn't since you are back here... On the nose! you got it.
So it's 2013...
You have been through a storm of a M. You have made your mistakes, just as your H has made his.
You used DB tactics to reconcile your M once (did that too) but you didn't do the follow through and back here you are...
maybe dealing with MLC, maybe not...
here none the less...
You being here tells me that maybe you don't want to quit just yet...
You're right. Deep down I do not want to give up on this marriage or him.
Let me know if I am off base. I want to make sure I understand the timeline...
WOW....
And who is having the MLC ?
You or him ????
I think that maybe you should figure out exactly who you are, and what you want, before you try to put a marriage in between all of that....
Good question Mach1. I know the first time I had EA, and we were having issues, I could have been in MLC. I think my H and I at the time felt we both did this at the same time. Because I did the whole trying to look better, go out with friends all the time, partying thing.
This time, I did the reverse because I knew the above had not worked in the past and really never made me happy. I was withdrawn, secluded, Out of life. I have lost myself in the past 6-7 years because the paths I took, which were complete opposites, neither seemed to work. I didn't know where to turn or what to do to make anything better.
So, yes, that's why I'm back here to find myself again. Because I remember that DB is not just about saving marriages but saving yourself and becoming a better you.
I have LOTS of work to do and I sincerely appreciate the tough questions because they really make me examine myself closer. And I need to. Something I have been afraid to do because it hurts. But I am ready now. So bring it on all of you. I really will reflect and appreciate any and all feedback.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
WOW, you and your husband have sure been through some harrowing times.
I think maybe you should try and love yourself first. Fat or not - doesn't make you less of a person than his PA. He has loved you for what you are, not what you look like. Sure loose weight, but I think more importantly take care of the emotional stuff and how you feel about you, but also maybe give yourself a bit of a makeover. new haircut/colour, some makeup - different to normal if you usually wear some. New outfit, or jazz up some old stuff with a few accessories (jewellery or scarfs).
I am sure that will also get your H's attention, and will also make your feel better when people notice you look different and are making an effort.
Just be good to you for a while, then maybe the rest will be a bit easier.
Thanks cat. I agree with working on myself first. I have a gift from H that he is removing himself from M right now, and is giving me time to work on myself. He is not nasty, nor has he been demanding about moving anything forward.
I am ready for directness, seriously.
Allalone, since May I have lost 30 pounds by getting my head on straight, in this area at least, lol. I have been seeing a holistic nutritionist who believes and promotes the value of me, not just eating right and being healthy. I have already gotten the haircut/color and new, hot clothes. So I no longer 'feel fat' even though I still have maybe 30 more to lose. And this time I am doing it for me, not to attract my H, even though that would be a bonus, but simply for me, to be the best me. Thank you for the words of encouragement on being good to me.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
That while it "may" become important for you down the road, the question of MLC or WAS or Fruit Loop on the corner singing into a rain barrel, the real focus should always start with you. And what you have to do for yourself to overcome the emotional overdose that you have been going through since the bomb. (or in your case, the past 15 years)
THAT has very little to do with what his actions are, and even more of a non-issue of what his words are. MLC or not, your path needs to remain the same.
The truth of what YOU went through needs to be sorted out, and you need to really see your role in how you got to where you are now.
How much of what you describe above, really reflects the kind of person that you want to be ?
How much of what you describe above, plays into who you want staring back at you in the mirror each morning ???
Are you the person that YOU want to be ??
Are you a person that you would want a relationship with ? A Marriage with??
Are you the person that you want your Grandchildren to know about ?
What legacy do you want to leave them ?? Do you live that legacy each and every day ?
Because you cannot change that after the fact.....
In my experience, MLC is such a widely placed diagnosis that we put on our spouse when their behavior has reached a place outside of the realm of OUR normal thinking. Is it a living thing? Sure it is, although they vary so widely throughout or society, and each as individual as the person that is going through one. No two are the same. Kind of a Snowflake theory.
Or is it just a flake ???
Nobody really will ever know for sure. And after time, it won't really even matter to you any more. Ten years from now, will it even be important to you ? Him ? Not really....
He will have either came through the tunnel or he wont have. You will either still be married to him, or you wont. Sounds far too easy ...right ?
Each step in getting there is hard, IF you choose to stand, and better yourself for your experiences. The easy route is to cut bait, and pull up the anchor, because the fish are biting down stream. You know there is a trophy fish there, you just have to decide what you want.
Confusion usually equals MLC, although you BOTH seem to have plenty of that for a lifetime.
WAS is usually pretty cut and dried. One partner wants out, walks away, and things are done really quickly. And when I say usually ? There are parameters of things being different....
Read Jack3Beans' threads. In there, he describes perfectly what he felt being a WAS. Or maybe you will get lucky and Cadet will find that particular post and put it here ?
So maybe take this time, to REALLY get to know who you are, what you want, and then decide how this all plays into what you THINK that you want now ???
Step away from a irrational , emotionally charged, guilt filled thought process , and figure some things out for you first...
