NTX - this probably did accurately describe me up until a couple weeks ago ~ everything I did was an attempt to see if I could get a response from W. I think what I should have said above is not that W needs to figure things out and change herself, but rather that I've realized I can't change her by bugging her, offering advice, and only time will allow her to find herself.
W has already told me she likes who I am now, she sees drastic and real changes in me, she believes they are genuine. She has flirted with me, hinted about ML, talked about our future together, and within the last few days said she DOESN'T want divorce, and loves me.
Quite honestly, when I compare this to around 8/10, when she said talking to me made her want to vomit, and she was DONE DONE DONE, and would hang up on me. She told me I wasn't even a man, I could go on and on.
Well, I think I've come a long ways since those awful days, and it's been because of legitimate changes in me, not because I'm a smooth talker or because I was a DBing pro.
Positives: 1. I am infinitely more patient than I was, believe it or not. 2. I'm a fixer, and I have almost completely stopped giving W "solutions". 3. I don't sweat the small stuff nearly as much. Gotten much better at choosing battles. W will say something that just grates on me (she is a hot-head), and I'll just smile at her and make a joke. 4. I'm probably 50% back to the fun, funny, happy, optimist that I haven't been in probably a year. Even my friends and family have commented on it.
Negatives: 1. I'm still roller-coasting, even it's smaller humps 2. I want to control situations by taking feelings and turning them into logical reactions 3. I get frustrated easily when W is irrational (which is often)
Finally:
Quote:
Valid or not, her feelings to her are real, she is a real person that has thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you are assuming she's crazy and that you think you are doing everything right and waiting for her to get her head on straight. Until you break that thought pattern, you both will continue to spin your wheels in this sitch and possibly get to the final D.
This is somewhat true - except I don't think she's crazy or I'm doing everything right. I know she is severely depressed, pretty miserable, running out of money. What I don't know what to do about is when she calls me and says, "I don't want divorce, but I don't know what to do." I can't give her an answer, and I can't demand she make a choice - so what DO you do? I'm still not having much luck figuring out a next step here. Just go dark and hope she figures it out?
