I thought that because he married the OW this would all go away.
However I have just received an e-mail to "our" address, from his car insurance co. Not only do I not understand why he is using "our" e-mail, but he is also calling himself by another name... WTF!
We have progressed to receiving mail addressed to his new persona. It would appear - this is third hand info - that he is changing his name, I assume legally. Then why it is coming to this address idk, he redirected mail back in May surely by now he would have notified the relevant people of his new details. This correspondence looks like its from the bank.
A friend thought he should let me know what he had heard - he wasn't sure if it would affect legal docs relating to our house sale (if it ever happens!). Something else I now have to deal with.
My head wants to move on, but why does my body react when I get correspondence or hear of the next change in his life. I get that "pang" in my chest and my stomach tightens, and I just feel sooooo.....
Do they ever leave us completely? With all the running, changes and their desire to leave their lives behind, why do they continue (in indirect ways often) to drag us along with them?
Out of nowhere this morning while working I had the BD convo start up in my brain, I seemed to be reliving it in slow motion. It has really put me off my stride. What triggered it? I wish I knew, because I would sure as he!! avoid it in future.
it has left me with a heavy ache in my chest and a tension headache. And wondering what if. While I know the answer, it has also triggered thoughts of situations that occurred just before that if I has handled differently...
Can't go there again. need to think of the future.
I'm sorry you are having one of those days. But, it's early, it will get better!
There's nothing you could do. Gotta let it go.
I'm dealing with the creeping thoughts and images right now too. Repeating a positive phrase seems to help. Something like, "A better life is around the corner" or "I can handle this" or even a single word or small phrase. Anything that makes your feel better.
You mentioned, "I need to think of the future."
What about "Good things are happening."
It really helps. But, remember to feel it and let it out when you have a chance. You don't need those feelings coming back and biting you in the backside.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
While I know the answer, it has also triggered thoughts of situations that occurred just before that if I has handled differently...
This crisis has been building up for some time, and one or two particular situations, if handled differently, would most likely NOT have changed the mlc'ers path.
Yes, we do need to look at all those situations, the dynamics of the M that WE contributed to, and verify if we need to change, and if so, do do, because we want to be better humans.
But I would bet that any of those situations, habits and such could have been dealt with in MC, or just via rational R work, if our partners were not in crisis....ya know?
I have done the same as you, wondering "if only I had done X, Y and Q differently", and through the folks here, and my IC, all my readings and research, I am pretty sure none of them, if handled differently, would have diverted my W from crisis...at best, it would have delayed it's onset only.
And since my W in in "phase 2" of her journey after C and I "helped" her out of phase 1, and I made a bunch of changes then, she still had unanswered questions, demons from the past, etc. It didn't help that I backslid in my changes from phase 1, but it wasn't the reason why she went back into the tunnel. She has even said so the past few months...that I could have been the "perfect H" and she would still have had/have whatever is churning around there in her brain.
So, yes, do look at those past events, figure out what you want to fix about you, for you. What do you need to do differently to be a better human? And then make those changes for YOU.
Hope this helps some!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Heather, unfortunately yesterday never did quite "make it" for me, but I appreciate you dropping by. The affirmations are a good idea, I will write some down to fall back on when my mind is elsewhere.
Tsquared2 - thank you for stopping by, and for the insight.
Yes, there are situations I could handle differently in future, but I am sure that the outcome would still be the same. Looking back in hindsight I can see signs of this crisis building over a number of years, so I shouldn't be surprised that it will take a long time to run its course, if it ever does. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!
I guess I may never know.
However, IF there should ever be new relationships in the future I sure have learnt some lessons along the MLC way. So hopefully I will be a better partner if nothing else.
Hopefully you wife will come back to her "perfect H", just may take a while, but you know that.
Your post helped me put things into some perspective - thank you.
I haven't followed through on the affirmations this week yet. I need to take my own advice. I will do that right now that I have a break. I have been reading DR and Coda No More which is helping some.
Also read on the boards to visualize a stop sign or stop light when the obsessing starts up. It helps some.
Have a better day today! :-)
I am.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
