2nd - nice job! I just had a crappy moment where W is saying "I love you" and "Let's hang out tomorrow" - but it keeps popping up in my head there is a D filed.
Just had to toss it out. Thanks for the validation!
Well, for no particular reason, other than I feel it's time, I'm ready to step off this rollercoaster.
I do believe major positive steps have happened, the latest being W confessing she doesn't want divorce, and saying "I love you" for the first time in 3-4 months.
She has also hugged me tightly, complimented me, and asked me to spend time with her. All good things.
But she still blames me for almost all issues, still has divorce in place, and I feel like all these positives are for naught until W is ready to make a change. I don't even know "what" that would be; I guess ready to commit to marriage.
I have been all over the place, I know this. But while I may not have done well with W, I have been having a blast with ME. When I'm not around W, I'm losing weight, working out, making new friends, going out, doing something almost every weekend. Actually about to watch a movie, just S11 and I. Awesome kids too!
My first tiny success - have to grab them to get things rolling! W texted me, and said, "I still don't know what to say (about divorce). As usual. You'll probably be mad."
I just didn't respond; probably room for validation or exploring feelings, but I honestly don't trust myself to get dragged into something.
Baby steps! I already feel better this morning just knowing I'm stepping back - how odd that is the reverse from the beginning when stepping back was horrible. I have been doing a lot of reading on behaviors, how to change habits, etc, really working on me and my issues. I see where I have picked up a lot of relational behaviors from my parents; I refuse to be the type that blames their past to excuse their present, but I want to learn what I can to improve going forward.
Also, am going to a movie Friday night, football for S11 then taking kids to a pumpkin farm and a huge Harvest party on Saturday, church and dinner on Sunday. Bring on the weekend!
Glad you've decided to get off the roller coaster and concentrate on you fully. I believe in almost every situation it's what's best no matter how hard and how wrong it feels at times.
Originally Posted By: JonF
W texted me, and said, "I still don't know what to say (about divorce). As usual. You'll probably be mad."
I just didn't respond; probably room for validation or exploring feelings, but I honestly don't trust myself to get dragged into something.
Good job not responding, especially if you don't trust yourself. It's time for her to figure out her stuff on her own and you to do the same. She knows where you stand and you'll know if/ when she's committed to working on things. Until then just do your thing. Stay your course and don't get back on the ride.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Time for a new thread buddy, before they lock this one
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Good job Jon, but one thing you said kind of grabbed me.
You said you want to go dark until SHE can figure things out and change herself. Maybe I am reaching here, but you saying that makes me feel like you don't get it.
You both need to change.
She is doing the things she is doing in reaction to your actions in the past. She has real pain and hurt. Unless she's a complete wacko, some, if not all of her feelings are probably valid. She is confused and has built a wall around her.
Your job is to figure out why she felt she needed to build that wall, make positive changes in yourself, and then slowly convince her to tear the wall down. Depending on the length of time and severity of her pain, it can be a long process and this sitch won't go away quickly.
Valid or not, her feelings to her are real, she is a real person that has thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you are assuming she's crazy and that you think you are doing everything right and waiting for her to get her head on straight. Until you break that thought pattern, you both will continue to spin your wheels in this sitch and possibly get to the final D.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
