WAW served me, 2 weeks in, looking for pointers

[KdogGS]

Well KdogGS you had better read and reread what uRworthy wrote, heck go to my threads and ignore my babble and read what all have posted to me!

They sure know what they are saying, promise!

One thing I learned is that it doesn't matter what you want (speaking about the marriage). Even if you said the magic words (there are none) and she came back, it would be wrong. She has to go through what she needs to go through and find her way on her own.

Maybe think of it like this, in your W eyes she needs a D. That is something that in her mind she knows. All your trying to prolong it and stop it may just make her more upset with you, cause in her mind it will happen.
So what would happen if you stepped back and said my W needs a D and that is part of her journey. What if you then backed off and gave her space and focused on making yourself into the person you wanted to be.
You would be focused on you and making yourself the best you can be and not in her way to do what she needs to do in her mind.

Now... What if when the D get close she changes her mind or the D happens and she reaches that goal and can think past that into what she needs next, her mind is clear now.
She has accomplished what she feels she needs and you didn't hinder it, you were working on yourself and making your self a better you.

Your W now can open her eyes and see a better you and she is where she feels she needs to be. This will be the best shot you have of saving your M and making yourself healthy at the same time.

If you continue to pursue, delay, stand in her way and focus on her, then the D will still come and your W will see you in the a light of not changing. You will be in a worse place to care for yourself and will be less attractive to her.

I get that your emotions are ruling you, they did me too. All I can do is tell you how it is, it is up to you to buy into it and act on it.

I wasted a lot of time, I hope you do NOT.

Thanks Jp787, I'm trying to come to grips with all of that. I appreciate you taking the time to stop by and comment.

[KdogGS]

So, I'm going to contact my lawyer tomorrow to send the generic answer we drafted to my W's attorney.

I am planning to respond to wife's email as follows-



Dear W,

I did have a good time with my mother visiting and yes, we bumped into BIL/SIl at the service, it was good seeing them.

Thanks for graciously giving me the time I requested for signing the papers. I understand that you want to have them signed by this Friday. I will have my attorney send your attorney an answer.

I think we should take steps to divide finances by the end of October. Feel free to open up your own account wherever you would like, and I will cash in the taxable accounts and give you half of the taxable accounts (bonds/bank) now via check so you will have money. You can have your paychecks go into the new account as well. It would probably be best if I paid for all of my expenses and you paid for all of your expenses from November 1st on or as close to then as possible.

Your expenses might include-
Cell phone currently $~100/mo
Groceries
Gas
Life Insurance- currently $26/month(until process is over and you can decide if you still need it)
Disability Insurance currently $57/mo(you can decide if you still want this now)
Entertainment
Your tithing to K-love, churches
Corolla payment? $347/mo (if you plan to keep it, if not we can trade back so you can have your car)

My expenses will be-
Mortgage (principal/interest/tax/insurance)
Health insurance for both
My life insurance
Home Phone/Internet
Directv
Dog expenses
K-love/church tithing
CPS energy bill
Water/Sewer bills
Groceries
Gas
Auto insurance (prepaid through March 2014)
Entertainment

I'll still work on paying the tax bill for 2013 so hopefully we don't have a penalty.

I hope you're doing well also!

H



Good? Bad? Other thoughts?

[MrCAS]

So, I'm going to contact my lawyer tomorrow to send the generic answer we drafted to my W's attorney.

I am planning to respond to wife's email as follows-



Dear W,

I did have a good time with my mother visiting and yes, we bumped into BIL/SIl at the service, it was good seeing them.

Thanks for graciously giving me the time I requested for signing the papers. I understand that you want to have them signed by this Friday. I will have my attorney send your attorney an answer.

I think we should take steps to divide finances by the end of October. Feel free to open up your own account wherever you would like, and I will cash in the taxable accounts and give you half of the taxable accounts (bonds/bank) now via check so you will have money. You can have your paychecks go into the new account as well. It would probably be best if I paid for all of my expenses and you paid for all of your expenses from November 1st on or as close to then as possible.

Your expenses might include-
Cell phone currently $~100/mo
Groceries
Gas
Life Insurance- currently $26/month(until process is over and you can decide if you still need it)
Disability Insurance currently $57/mo(you can decide if you still want this now)
Entertainment
Your tithing to K-love, churches
Corolla payment? $347/mo (if you plan to keep it, if not we can trade back so you can have your car)

My expenses will be-
Mortgage (principal/interest/tax/insurance)
Health insurance for both
My life insurance
Home Phone/Internet
Directv
Dog expenses
K-love/church tithing
CPS energy bill
Water/Sewer bills
Groceries
Gas
Auto insurance (prepaid through March 2014)
Entertainment

I'll still work on paying the tax bill for 2013 so hopefully we don't have a penalty.

I hope you're doing well also!

H



Good? Bad? Other thoughts?

This sounds terribly controlling to me. You are seriously setting up her budget? How about asking her for her opinion on how to divide up the expenses instead of dictating? A chance of validating her opinion instead of controlling.

Thinking out loud...

[Mimi00]

I agree w/ MrCas:

Dear W,

I did have a good time with my mother visiting and yes, we bumped into BIL/SIl at the service, it was good seeing them.Thanks for giving me the time I requested for signing the papers. I will have my attorney send your attorney an answer.

I think we should take steps to divide finances by the end of October. How do you feel about that?



(I don't know about bringing up the finances but if its important right now my opinion is to keep it short and as Mr Cas said let her give her opinion)

[jp787]

Agree with M & M

[uRworthy]

So, I'm going to contact my lawyer tomorrow to send the generic answer we drafted to my W's attorney.

I am planning to respond to wife's email as follows-



Dear W,

I did have a good time with my mother visiting and yes, we bumped into BIL/SIl at the service, it was good seeing them.

Thanks for graciously giving me the time I requested for signing the papers. I understand that you want to have them signed by this Friday. I will have my attorney send your attorney an answer.

I think we should take steps to divide finances by the end of October. Feel free to open up your own account wherever you would like, and I will cash in the taxable accounts and give you half of the taxable accounts (bonds/bank) now via check so you will have money. You can have your paychecks go into the new account as well. It would probably be best if I paid for all of my expenses and you paid for all of your expenses from November 1st on or as close to then as possible.

She is an adult, so she can decide to open an new account or not, put her paycheck in or not, right? And saying so you will have money - well....... Best to be short and to the point.
Your expenses might include-
Cell phone currently $~100/mo
Groceries
Gas
Life Insurance- currently $26/month(until process is over and you can decide if you still need it)
Disability Insurance currently $57/mo(you can decide if you still want this now)
Entertainment
Your tithing to K-love, churches
Corolla payment? $347/mo (if you plan to keep it, if not we can trade back so you can have your car)

My expenses will be-
Mortgage (principal/interest/tax/insurance)
Health insurance for both
My life insurance
Home Phone/Internet
Directv
Dog expenses
K-love/church tithing
CPS energy bill
Water/Sewer bills
Groceries
Gas
Auto insurance (prepaid through March 2014)
Entertainment

I'll still work on paying the tax bill for 2013 so hopefully we don't have a penalty.

I hope you're doing well also!

H



Good? Bad? Other thoughts?

This sounds terribly controlling to me. You are seriously setting up her budget? How about asking her for her opinion on how to divide up the expenses instead of dictating? A chance of validating her opinion instead of controlling.

Thinking out loud...

[KdogGS]

Thanks for the feedback M,M, jp and ur,

I only put down the amounts, because I have managed all payments for the last 3+ years. I don't even know if she has an idea of what goes out monthly. I thought that was being thoughtful, but I can see how writing it is controlling. I also see it as an opportunity to validate her opinion on how to divide things up.

I think it is important to divide up the finances because ultimately that is what will happen. Let's both get used to it now.


So revised email-




Dear W,

I did have a good time with my mother visiting and yes, we bumped into BIL/SIl at the service, it was good seeing them.

Thanks for giving me the time I requested for signing the papers. I will have my attorney send your attorney an answer.

I think we should take steps to divide finances soon. How would you like to accomplish that?

I hope you're doing well also!

H

[MrCAS]

Dear W,

I did have a good time with my mother visiting and yes, we bumped into BIL/SIl at the service, it was good seeing them.

Thank you for asking about my mother. We had a very nice visit together. Bumping into BIL/SIL at church? That was a very pleasant surprise!

Thanks for giving me the time I requested for signing the papers. I will have ask my attorney to send your attorney an answer my response.

I think we should take steps to divide finances soon. How would you like to accomplish that? I would value your input on how we could do this.

I hope you're doing well also!

H

Your original first paragraph almost sounded accusatory... To me, anyways.

Every interaction you have with your W is a chance to validate... Even the lowly email... Low on my list anyways. But interaction is interaction!

[KdogGS]

That's good MrCas, thanks, I see I've been speaking to her the wrong way for a long time.

Final product?



Dear W,

Thank you for asking about my mother. We had a very nice visit together. Bumping into BIL/SIL at church? That was a very pleasant surprise!

Thanks for giving me the time I requested for signing the papers. I will ask my attorney to send your attorney my response.

I think we should take steps to divide finances soon. I would value your input on how we could do this.

I hope you're doing well also!

H

[jp787]

Very nice MrCAS

Thank god for those who can write well and share it!

That is a goal for me, to improve my writting skills.