Becoming Comfortably Numb...Hopefully!

[RosaLinda]

Hi there Portia! Congratulations on your new car! And grrrr that you couldn't see thru your SO's windows for clues on child seats etc. Is his car RED?

Your poor dad. Having impending surgery looming over you is horrible, but to have it postponed - that is awful  Maybe Queen Kitty would threaten to bite the surgeon unless he speeds things up! 

I know you say you don't expect support from SO because he isn't aware of your dad's condition. But don't you think it might be fair to let him know? After all your dad was like a FIL to SO for almost 20 years. It's your call of course, I just thought he might like to know. 

And I refuse to call him your xSO it's been just over a year. Minutes in MLC-time, and nothing when compared to your 18 years together. 

"I remember how big I was in blaming myself for losing him - I was/was not [fill in the blank] and I deserved what I got. It did not help that outside friends and family basically said the same thing - well, you weren't married... But I have learned that if he wanted out - he should have grown a pair and talked to me. Even if I was a raving shrew, I did not deserve his treatment of me. It took a long time for me to get there."

Hey you sound good and strong here! I'm glad you are able to see that your friends' and family's advice and recriminations were just WRONG! You did nothing wrong, unless being loving, loyal and supportive is wrong somehow. 

But Portia, I think these MLCers aren't capable of being honest and upfront, and saying look, I'm not happy, and then discussing how you can fix the relationship. And wouldn't the guy you loved all those years have done that? Wasn't he an upright honest guy? I hope and honestly believe that he'll wake up, but also think you'll have moved on by then. The crazy dope!

[Portia]

The "rules" never make sense in MLC-land.

Over the last couple of days, we have had the longest text-conversation that we had literally in months. Really, he had all but disappeared from my life...I got random texts once a month and now lots of them. Cars seem to be a safe topic.

I recognize that for those of you living with your MLCer that making a big deal of contact with mine might seem weird. It sure feels weird. I was not only moving forward, but moving on, making my own future plans without any consideration for he may or may not be doing. I lived like he was never coming back - not even through text! It has almost been a year since I have seen him.

The texting basically encompassed the details of our respective cars. I named my car and he asked me for suggestions for his. (Just a quirk of mine, I always name my cars). I gave him a name and he is going to use it. I could not help but think if GF was around, isn't it kind of awkward to use the name I suggested?

Although I no longer give her space in my head the way I used to, she is a deal breaker for me now. If she is in the picture, I am not. Not even casually. If we ever rebuilt even a friendship and he meets someone else after that, if he is not honest with me, I walk. If we could be friends - real friends - which includes some real discussion and remorse, I am open to that even if it means not reconciling as a couple. Especially if he is more determined to do the "white picket fence". Because I am not. For the very first time in my life, I am going to stick to the "label" - "friends" means that and "girlfriend" means another.

Rosa, you gave me something to think about. I am embarrassed to say that I never thought of letting him know that my dad was going into surgery. I guess it is because he had vanished so completely until very recently, that I did not feel the need to share any aspects of my life with him. I was moving on and as far as I was concerned he was not a part of my life. I do not know whether or not I will tell him, even now. (Anyone else want to chime in?) But thank you for at least making me consider it.

[Portia]

PS - Linda, the car is indeed RED. Too funny! Not even close to a sports car, though. LOL!!

[LoisB]

Portia,

I think it depends on your expectations. Are you looking for remorse? Is it Curiosity? Are you just having fun?

If you want to explore the possibility of reconciliation, then maybe share it to get a sense of where he is at. Telling him about the surgery seems like something you would do with a close friend or partner.

Right now, it sounds like you guys are flirting and that's harmless unless you feel yourself getting invested again.

If, however, you don't want to open that door. Then don't.

Seems like it depends on what you want. And, what you're prepared to accept in return.

Just my .02.

Heather

[LoisB]

Unless he was close to your dad.

IDK.

[BrightFuture]

Portia, I’ve been following your updates, just didn’t have much advice. Our stories are developing somewhat similar. I also had a lot of contact from H recently. I just was not posting, because I was disappointed that I barely get any traffic on my thread. You post inspired me, maybe I will go and do the updates on my thread.

I know how you feel. I was also ready to move on with my life, and these recent contacts kind of threw me off a bit. I just keep reminding myself about no expectations. It is more complicated in my case, since we have to communicate about the business. So, I don’t know if the increased amount of contact is just a coincidence. I would love to have some opinions about it, I guess I just have to post the updates, LOL.

From what I’ve been reading so far about your text exchanges makes me think that your SO either “lost” his GF, or the things are not going so well with her. I think you are doing great. I don’t really know what advice to give you about letting your SO know about your Dad. Were they close? IDK, I would probably mention it in one of the texts, like “Oh, I have to go now to check on my Dad at the hospital”, or something like that. And see if he is interested or shows some sympathy.

[Portia]

Everyone,

Thank you so much for your advice and for stopping by. It means quite a lot to me.

The week has been busy. Dad went in for his first surgery and the surgeon is optimistic. Second one will be on Friday.

I decided not to tell xSO. They were not really close. But more than that, I am trying to wean myself totally off xSO. If I had told him, I may have expectations on how he should respond and then been upset even more when he responded or even IF he responded. I don't tend to be a heart on my sleeve kind of person. Very private, as a matter of fact. Sharing things does not come easily to me and sharing things with someone who betrayed that trust already was not something I was willing to risk.

I have not heard from xSO since last weekend before last - all about the cars. He'll have to come up with another excuse if he wants to text me. I am still not as completely detached as I would like to be - detached-adjacent? - because his contact never fails to make me spin, even a little.

The conversation was so normal, although with some noticeable differences: he used my name (which he never did before) and he said, referring to the car: I can't wait to see it someday. We're too far apart physically.

My good friend (the only one I update), says he's playing me.

Her observation bothered me because it has some degree of truth in it. I may not contact him but I answer when he contacts me. That he is playing me, bothers me. No one wants to be played.

Especially if the GF is still in the picture.

I don't really know what to do, so I am "doing nothing". I recognize that I am a bit afraid to stop responding as that will mean The End. Funny, really, the end for us has already come and gone.

Life is busy and I am not dwelling on him. I wonder though why it is so difficult for me to completely walk away. To not answer his texts. There is no relationship here and I need more than a few text crumbs to believe that we will work it out. Not like he stole my lunch at recess.

I can no more explain my feelings and behaviour than I can explain his.

Job, I saw on another thread that you have premonitions. My two bucks is spent, any lottery numbers calling you? Do you ever have premonitions about the folks and their sitches on this board? I believe that we all have a bit of a sixth sense.

[job]

Portia,
How is your father doing? I see he's had the first surgery and another one on Friday. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers.

You are wise...if you aren't sure what to do, do nothing. Sit quietly, the answers will come. I know people get tired of me saying this, but it's very true because when you drop the rope, things begin to happen.

Everyone has a "sixth sense or a gut instinct". It's all a matter of listening to those internal whispers and determining what is the right move to make for each situation.

[Whiterose]

Hi Portia

I hope your dad makes a speedy recovery and is home soon.

I didn't contact H when my dad needed surgery, although his dad had surgery at the same time and I did contact him to let him know I was praying, and he said nothing to me. I think he asked my S about my dad though. Then my grandma died and I didn't message him but I think he found out through my BIL and he did message me a condolence text. It's hard knowing what to do and what not to do and where our expatriation really are at. Like you said if you don't know do nothing.

To some degree I feel my H is playing me......I think the better we detach the more we get away from that. I'm hoping that's what will happen.

Job made that comment on my thread. Wonder if she does ever have premonitions about people here? Lottery numbers work for me! Lol

[RosaLinda]

I'm thinking of you Portia, and praying your dad does well tomorrow. You're sounding more and more detached all the time. And I think that when someone is not certain what course of action to take, it never hurts to do nothing. At least temporarily.

What do you mean when you say you think your SO is playing you? I think my H is playing a dangerous game, pretending to love the trsmp. Is that what you mean?