Rolling in the deep...

[wishing, hoping]

I have only responded that one time. And I will not do it again. I will not answer the phone, nor will I respond unless it is a true emergency.

And that's the thing, too. He shouldn't have to learn to be a father. He had his son long before we met. He used to tell me how to raise the kids so he should be an expert at this now, shouldn't he? Why should he get a learning curve? Why is that acceptable? I didn't get a learning curve. I learn something new every day and I don't use it as an excuse.

I am angry. I have enough of his lies and excuses. But they just keep on coming. I could just choke on them.

WH

[AJM]

It's not so much a suggestion to let him learn, although that's a side benefit. It's more of a suggestion to keep out of it and let him resolve it on his own. You staying out of it does two things 1) it let's him resolve it or not - on his own and 2) it keeps you out of the blame game. Both are wins from my perspective.

He'll be defensive and angry etc. That's a given. What you choose to do is still to be decided but it's safe to say what you've done to date hasn't "worked" for you as well as you'd like.

Of course, within reason. For really important times you need to get involved, don't hesitate. For a meltdown though? Not so much. Your D needs to express herself and he needs to figure out how to let her. If you interrupt that, you start it all over again.

AJ

[Pudmuddle]

wh, I often thought my H 'should know' how to be a father too. Fact of the matter is, some just don't. This is often what became a stressor between my H and I. I would often try to intervene when he started to flounder on his discipline/fathering. I always thought he wanted me to fix things. Which I did and then usually he would walk away more frustrated because it appeared like I was siding with my son. I wasn't allowing him to LEARN how to be a father and deal with his son. Now that I have been detaching, one of my 180s is to allow him to do what he needs with S without my intervention. Unless he specifically asks.

Example, he was irritated with S because his son blew him off when he said something to him. I asked H what was wrong and he said 'it doesn't matter now'. I looked him square in the face and said (at a time when I was NOT db'ing well) 'See this is what I meant by ignoring things, it IS important and it makes you upset, so you need to talk with S about this.' I then left the room. He ended up calling S up and talking to him about what he was upset about. Did he do it the way I would have? no. But that was not the important part. It was important that he handle it himself and learn how to talk to his S, his way, even if I didn't agree with it. I only listened in and let him do what he needed to do. They actually both left the convo on a understood tone. That was a first!

We are controllers and want to fix things. Sometimes it's better to let it go, than prove you are right or correct.

[wishing, hoping]

I am not going to sit there and "cater" to H. I intervened because and only because he asked me to. I thought the situation was far more serious than it was. The man does not know how to parent. He is incapable of being empathetic to anyone. I am not trying to "fix" anything. My entire purpose with D was to calm her down and get her to listen to reason. Period.

I am furious at this point. With the system, with H and with this entire process. H asked for my help because he didn't know what else to do. He took what could have been an easily rectifiable situation and escalated it. That's what he does. That's not my fault.

I will not apologize for what I did in that situation. It's not about me or H. It's about D. I care about her and her emotional and mental well being. H does not and no amount of "reasoning" is going to convince me that he does.

WH

[wishing, hoping]

It's been a week since I posted. I was angry. I still am angry. I feel like someone has placed a huge curse on me. Maybe karma is coming back at me for all my nasty thoughts.

Things continue to worsen. My debt is increasing. I owe more to the attorney and I JUST PAID the attorney. I owe the courts for GAL fees. There are 5 other motions on the docket that I will need to pay my attorney for and those motions do not get me any closer to any closure whatsoever. I emailed the attorney to tell him if he needs to drop me so be it, but I cannot afford his services unless he will accept payments. Christmas is coming up and I don't know how I can afford presents or if I will even have a home for Christmas.

H has been emailing left and right wanting to take the kids trick or treating this weekend. It is my weekend so I got to make the call. And of course, I am the better person so I told him he could take them for about 45 minutes to an hour after I took them. I know he will never return the favor. He will not be as considerate to me. So why on earth did I just turn the other cheek?

I do think H is planning on taking this divorce to trial. I think he is sitting on money and CC'ing his attorney and filing motions left and right to wear me down mentally and financially so that he can be strong at the trial. He's crafty. Not brilliant, but crafty and sly. Not sly as a fox. More like Wile Coyote.

S is getting a D in Math. I emailed the teacher and apparently it's a tough chapter. The teacher didn't sound overly concerned, but I am. So now I am having an email banter with H on how to handle the situation. Maybe he sucked me into this conversation, I don't know. The important thing is S.

D continues to fight and argue with H. I don't see that improving. To those who think it will improve once H and I are separated, I think you are dead wrong. I think it will only get worse because I will not be there as another set of eyes to watch H. D told me the other night she likes mommy days better than daddy days because mommy doesn't yell.

I am so depressed I could scream. I was late to work this morning because my gas gauge went low and no gas station in sight. I had to drive 15 minutes out of my way to get gas and then was 15 minutes late and was scolded by my boss who told me next time to text her (while I am driving?). I was making cookies last night and something went wrong and they burned on the bottom but were completely raw on the top. I had to finish them by putting parchment paper down. Then things were fine.

I am just whining and venting, so please bear with me. I am angry, frustrated, fed up and emotional. Right now the light at the end of the tunnel is the crazy train bearing down.

WH

[kml]

Sorry you are so stressed out. But try not to spin too much - step back, take a deep breath, put things in perspective:

- yes, the money situation with the lawyer is a drag, but you need him to protect your long-term financial interests. Don't waste time/money fighting with H over anything else, just get the financials done.

- if you really think H is sitting on considerable money you don't know about, ask your attorney about forensics. (More likely he's just running up a credit card and spending OWs money).

- Let go of what you can't control. His relationship with D will be what it will be. He's annoying but not dangerous, and you can't keep him from visitation, so just drop it off your list for now. Certainly don't spend any of your precious attorney fees on that stuff.

- Don't make excuses. Yes, you should have texted your boss while you were filling your gas tank if you knew you would be late. Your marital problems are not your boss's concern.

- be realistic about finances. Get a friend to sit down with you and brainstorm ideas. It sounds to me like, even if you get reasonable child support and some alimony, the real problem is your low income. If so, you need to be thinking about creative ways to increase your income/ lower your living expenses.

- re: Christmas - the people in your life will understand your circumstances. One year my sister was really broke, so instead of the presents she would usually exchange, she made jam for everyone. Now everybody looks forward to their jam from her every year, even though now she is financially on her feet! I think your friends and family would understand if you said you couldn't exchange gifts this year. And remember you are only responsible for half of your kids' Xmas presents. Don't go overboard in an attempt to make things up to them.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, KML. I appreciate your input.

I am trying not to borrow trouble. I understand my boss's concern but it was just that straw that broke the camel's back thing. When it rains it pours. I let that go. And I never think about texting or calling. I honestly thought I was gonna be on time. Traffic didn't help either.

I know I can't stop him from being around his kids, and I really don't want to. I just wish he had the foresight to see what was good for the kids and what isn't. I wish he wasn't so he!! bent on "his way or the highway" especially where the kids are concerned.

You're probably right about H running up a credit card and spending OW's money, but apparently she doesn't have any either. It's really not my business. It will end up biting him sooner or later. I need to focus on my yard, not H's.

I emailed my concerns to my attorney's paralegal. I will see if they have any recommendations to help me.

I was baited by H earlier. This weekend is my weekend and it's trick or treat in our city from 5-7. He asked me about the times last night so I knew something was up. Today he emailed me and asked if I would mind if he took the kids trick or treat. I tried to explain that I usually don't get to take the kids door to door (I'm usually the one who stays back and hands out candy) and was really looking forward to it and that he was welcome to come along with us if he wished. He turned me down and asked if he could have the last 45 minutes of trick or treat to take the kids around just the three of them. I told him I would take them to the church indoor trick or treat, then around our old neighborhood from 5-6 and get them back to the house around 6-6:15 so he could take them for a while. He emailed back and was angry that I was "denying him the opportunity" to take the kids trick or treating. He said trick or treat runs from 4-6 and why was I limiting his access to the kids blah blah blah. He then demanded he should be able to take them to another town's trick or treat on Saturday. He attached a link to our county sheriff website which had trick or treat times listed as 4-6, not 5-7.

I double checked, verified the time was 5-7 on our City Website and the local newspaper's website and emailed H back saying "H, I talked to you about this last night. Trick or treat is from 5-7, not 4-6. Please the attached link." He emailed back and told me I didn't need to get angry about him requesting time with the kids. Huh??? Now I'm the one off the handle?? I literally LOL'd. I emailed back telling him I wasn't upset at all, I was just being factual. : ) In fact, I told him about a Halloween Magic Show that was going on at the recreation center tonight and told him the kids would probably really enjoy going to that. He did thank me for mentioning that at least.

And yes, I thought about making my mom some jewelry for Christmas. And you're right, the kids have too much stuff anyway and H keeps just buying more and more and more. YIKES! You can't even move in their room from all the stuff. Pretty soon the house is gonna look like a scene from "Hoarders". I'm trying to simplify and H is trying to complicate. Hmmm...sounds a lot like our marriage.

In other news, D has changed her mind about the Halloween costume she wants to wear. I bought her a Snoopy toy that she is in love with and now wants to dress as Snoopy. Okay! I googled it and all I need are white sweats turned inside out (for that dog fur feel) and some black felt like material for ears and spots. I found a furry white hat and I think I have some gloves or mittens somewhere. S had a fuzzy black blanket material from a few years ago when he made a dog art project so I used that with an ear template to make Snoopy's black ears. I just need to find sweats, cut out a black spot for the back, make a tail and something for her feet.

At least I know she will be warm. Now I didn't say anything to her about her other costume except that if she wore it, she would need to wear pants and a shirt underneath it because it would be cold. I am so excited to get this costume around!!! : )

WH

[wishing, hoping]

Well it happened again.

H had his evening with the kid's tonight. I was upstairs doing some crafts when I heard D scream bloody murder. I rushed downstairs to see what happened and she tried to tell me and H came into the room and told me to go back upstairs and that it wasn't my concern. I told him that if D or S is screaming like that it is my concern and if I am home I want to make sure they are okay. H got in my face and told me to go away and started shouting at me. S was angry and shouted at H to leave me alone and that "mom is a parent too, Dad". H carried D away from me and I asked her again what happened and she told me "Evan poked my bone" and I asked if she was okay and she said yes. I went back upstairs. H brought D up a few minutes later to brush her teeth and I went back downstairs to get an apple. He started yelling at me again and ordered me into my room. 

I tried to tell him if the kids are crying I want to know what's wrong. She told me what was wrong and I came upstairs. I'm sorry H, but I am their parent too and I deserve to know what happened.

Later he came in to discuss the incident with me. He practically begged me to end these proceedings. He said he signed the agreement my attorney and I drafted up months ago that he refused to sign.

He told mentos much me paid his attorney. He told me he still pays her for "legal advice" and etc. He also told me he has heard from others how I intend to stretch this divorce process out as long as possible to screw him. I think that was a lie and a "dangle worm" to see if I would take the bait. I didn't bite.

So I need to contact the GAL to see if that is really the case. Don't tell lemurs going to be over that simply and easily???

WH

[wishing, hoping]

Pinch me because I think I am dreaming. I am almost scared to breathe!

WH

[AJM]

Oi. Your son is getting involved too. Your kids see it and so should you - it's not you. I think you know that, but your H is feeling that pressure and is cracking. You'll see more of that controlling until it's out of sight.

And you thought you were the only one feeling the pressure, right? Not hardly. The whole family is feeling, but your H the most if you can imagine.

As for it really being signed? I'd believe it when you confirm it. But yes, it can happen just like that. Hopefully it did so you can move away from that scene and remove that element from the equation.

Hang in there though. The emotional vomitting isn't over. Although it just might be that you're seeing the next step fall into place.

Peace,
AJ