WAW served me, 2 weeks in, looking for pointers

[AnotherStander]

It was done on 9-9 when she moved out, the paperwork part is just a formality. It doesn't mean there's no hope though, your sitch is quite young, it may be over a year before she starts coming out of the fog. I'm sorry she's pushing it through so fast, that's got to be painful. Hang in there, this doesn't mean it's over!

[KdogGS]

The part that terrifies me is that she wants to push it through so fast. She wants it "to go at a healthy pace" whatever that means. I know that I need to demonstrate to her the new me consistently and over time. I just don't have the luxury of time with the no fault law and 60 day time frame.

[MrCAS]

You are going into panic mode. It is affecting your ability to think clearly here.

None of here are rooting against you. We are trying to help you avoid the mistakes and poor decisions made by others. Learn from other people's pain.

I am going to question the burning desire to meet with your W face to face. IMO, you have this vision that she is going to suddenly realize what a grievous error she is making and have a miraculous change of heart... Real life doesn't happen that way.

Ask any of us how we know. I can tell you how I do.

I call what you are trying to "passive aggressive pursuing". "C'mon, W, I need to meet up with you to discuss XXX" or pass along these documents or have her sign something. Pursuit of any kind is just going to push her further away and the harder you push the faster she is going move.

From my POV... where you are right now is all about winning her back and not about getting you to where you need to be.

[KdogGS]

You are going into panic mode. It is affecting your ability to think clearly here.

None of here are rooting against you. We are trying to help you avoid the mistakes and poor decisions made by others. Learn from other people's pain.

I am going to question the burning desire to meet with your W face to face. IMO, you have this vision that she is going to suddenly realize what a grievous error she is making and have a miraculous change of heart... Real life doesn't happen that way.

Ask any of us how we know. I can tell you how I do.

I call what you are trying to "passive aggressive pursuing". "C'mon, W, I need to meet up with you to discuss XXX" or pass along these documents or have her sign something. Pursuit of any kind is just going to push her further away and the harder you push the faster she is going move.

From my POV... where you are right now is all about winning her back and not about getting you to where you need to be.

I'd say that is a very good assesment and I am freaking out. I'll try to relax.

[uRworthy]

Hiya K. I am so sorry that she is pushing this along. I know that is a hard thing to get your mind around.

I wanted to tell you a few things, if I may.

There are reasons why she feels the way she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are her feelings so they are valid to her.

When you keep stalling, when you lead her to believe that you are not accepting this, you are invalidating her feelings. You are telling her, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesn’t matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.

I get the hanging on for fear that she will move away if you don’t. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they won’t go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to get them off.

But when you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you don’t want to be married, you don’t know how you feel, etc. I hear you.

You don’t have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect her feelings.

When you make changes it means you heard her. When you give her space - you heard her.

You also give her the opportunity to think. She isnt hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to her at this point.

When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.

Here's the important thing. The changes that you need to make, should not be made for her. They should be made because you looked inward, you looked at what she said and decided they were necessary. Otherwise, they are not real and they wont stick and she will see right through them.

I also understand you wanting to see her in person. You are hoping that you can change her mind. You are hoping that she will see you and decide something different. You are hoping that you will say something and it will click.

I'm sorry, but, it doesnt work that way. She feels what she feels right now. Doesnt mean it will always be that way, but, it is what it is at this time.

Your job is to become your best you. Not for her, not for your sitch, for you.

I have seen marriages when a divorce has been pushed through quickly and they reconciled. There is always hope until you say there isnt.

But you trying to stall like this, is only going to serve to anger her. She is thinking, he hasnt changed. He isnt listening to me, isnt respecting me.

Suppose you felt as she did. Suppose you wanted out. And she did this to you. How would you feel? Frustrated, angry, right?

K, start your journey. Leave her to hers. Be the man you were meant to be. What is supposed to happen, will.

You worrying has no affect on the outcome. But moving forward, letting go and making real changes, can.

So, try to stop looking at the calendar and start looking at you.

You can do this.

[MrCAS]

So, Kdog... what do you suppose it is you need to do to get to where you want to be?

Listen to what uR is telling you... she put it so eloquently. Be careful, though, because she wields a mighty wicked tire tool... LOL!

Instead of focusing on the calendar, let's focus on the awesome things you have started.. AA... spiritual healing and guidance (NEVER discount His power)... Those are huge steps, buddy! A lot of people never get that far.

We will help you make your journey...

[KdogGS]

Thanks so much for bringing me back to reality. Resisting on this little issue is not going to help my cause. Got it.
So I guess the next step would be to have my attorney file the generic answer thats already drafted and send it to her attorney. That puts the ball back in her court on how to proceed next, and I do not plan to help too much with the heavy lifting.

[uRworthy]

Attaboy, K. That's a good plan.

[MrCAS]

They really need to get an "attaboy pat" icon...

Thinking out loud...

[jp787]

Well KdogGS you had better read and reread what uRworthy wrote, heck go to my threads and ignore my babble and read what all have posted to me!

They sure know what they are saying, promise!

One thing I learned is that it doesn't matter what you want (speaking about the marriage). Even if you said the magic words (there are none) and she came back, it would be wrong. She has to go through what she needs to go through and find her way on her own.

Maybe think of it like this, in your W eyes she needs a D. That is something that in her mind she knows. All your trying to prolong it and stop it may just make her more upset with you, cause in her mind it will happen.
So what would happen if you stepped back and said my W needs a D and that is part of her journey. What if you then backed off and gave her space and focused on making yourself into the person you wanted to be.
You would be focused on you and making yourself the best you can be and not in her way to do what she needs to do in her mind.

Now... What if when the D get close she changes her mind or the D happens and she reaches that goal and can think past that into what she needs next, her mind is clear now.
She has accomplished what she feels she needs and you didn't hinder it, you were working on yourself and making your self a better you.

Your W now can open her eyes and see a better you and she is where she feels she needs to be. This will be the best shot you have of saving your M and making yourself healthy at the same time.

If you continue to pursue, delay, stand in her way and focus on her, then the D will still come and your W will see you in the a light of not changing. You will be in a worse place to care for yourself and will be less attractive to her.

I get that your emotions are ruling you, they did me too. All I can do is tell you how it is, it is up to you to buy into it and act on it.

I wasted a lot of time, I hope you do NOT.