on the edge...

[dingo]

There is obviously a push-pull dynamic here that I guess I have allowed to happen because she has claimed to be working on things and I have been following the patience and space advice. I am starting to understand that I need to end the cycle and let the chips fall where they may. As you all know, its difficult to know the border between being there as a caring friend and detaching/maintaining space/going dark, etc. and the WS seems to have a knack for manipulating you across that border.

I have brought up the marriage or affair extremely infrequently, if at all, over the past 2-3 weeks. She has been the one to bring it up. The articles I sent to her were ones I sent very shortly after the affair was uncovered when I was a mess of emotions and holding on as tightly as I could. She asked me to re-send them to her and then initiated the conversation about them.

The cycle seems to be 2-3 weeks of her stating that we are working on the marriage, followed by an incident of out of work contact and a sudden change of heart to wanting a divorce. Today she claims that she is no longer leaning towards divorce but thinks she might want to work on things again. She sent a couple of job postings that she sent resumes into today, she said she's really been focusing on the positive these last 3 days.

I have been working on being a better husband - the type only a fool would leave. I thought it was working. She said she had noticed a lot of changes and liked them. Then all of a sudden, she gets a fix, and everything changes overnight.

Ive tried to give her space and she never takes it. I recognize that this is the rollercoaster but I don't know if I can get off of it unless I ask her to move out. When we get to that point, she always claims that she wants to work on things.

We'll see what she has for me when I get home tonight. I plan to hold her to the same thing I said to her before i left. Zero contact, new job ASAP (within 3-4 weeks is probably realistic), a definable plan that helps her get over the affair, a definable plan that helps us heal our marriage and willingness to make the tough choices and adhere to those plans. Otherwise, I think she needs to move out.