This is really long....SORRY. I'm not sure how much you need to know to give advice on MLC vs WAS....but here is stuff about my H:
He comes from a broken home, very ugly divorce when he was in middle school.
When I met him (we were 20), he wasn't talking to his father at all, had/has an emotionally abusive stepdad (he's a total jerk!).
H had failed out of college and totaled his truck. His favorite grandma had just died that he was very close to. His family would always "joke" about how H is/was a "loser" and always messing up and making mistakes, etc.
H and I got pregnant before we really knew each other very well, and got married when our son was about 3 months old. (We've always had serious issues with all that...I was very innocent and just stupid for giving in and having sex with him...He was very experienced and had been having sex since junior high.)
Our marriage has always been rocky...but we were making it. We were affectionate and in love for several years.
H finished college after we married. We had three more kids. H had a great job for 12 years...then, got laid off with no warning due to the economy in 2008, and didn't find work again until 2011.
Two years after job loss (2010), we declared bankruptcy and lost our house to foreclosure. His new job is very stressful. He works nights and works 7 days a week. He is always tired and grumpy. He also has cut off most contact with his family...and has a bunch of new 20-year old friends.
A year ago, I find out about EA with old high school GF...which he still denies. Our marriage just fell apart. He lies all the time and hides stuff from me all the time. We're still having sex, but there's little affection at other times.
It's been up and down for over a year now. He'll say he's leaving and getting an apartment and a couple of days later, he's back and things are "fine".
On the DBing thing, when I try to pull away or go dark, he gets upset and says that I'm pushing him away or don't "want" him anymore. However, I'm definitely the pursuer and he is the distancer. Also, he just told me last week that he wants me to initiate ML more...but when I do, then I'm "pressuring" him.
Two weeks ago, he came home, hugged me in a bear hug, and said he loved me. Then, a couple of days later, he hated me and couldn't wait to move out.
This week, we had four good days in a row, from Thurs to Monday. Then, Monday, he tells me he wants a mediator. Yesterday, he was back home and acting fine. This morning, he tells me we need to be "civil" but need to move forward with divorce but is calling me "sweetie". UGH!
I will jump in here on the difference between MLC and WAS.
First of all the LBS response to both is the same. No difference in what we do.
A WAS is a person who has been telling their spouse the issues and problems for a long time and has grown tired of telling them and eventually just walks away. Most LBS's turn into a WAS when they move to another relationship as they tire of their MLC/WAS and become the same thing, a WAS.
MLC is more of a development issue. Combine hormones, childhood issues, depression, stages of life, trigger event and you have an MLC. A perfct storm so to say.
Here is a thread from the resources to further read on the subject
Thanks cat. I was asking about what you thought of him only because you had mentioned earlier that you weren't sure which one he was, so I was curious.
I want the hard questions, because I am obviously back here again for things about me that I did not recognized or admit to the last time I was here. I want to discover more about me, the deeper me, the confused me, the child me. I believe you came to my thread for a reason so I want to hear the difficult questions.
Thanks for your time.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Can you have a WAS and MLC all combined in one crisis?
My H has been saying the same things over and over again for years, but they are issues (things he says are my fault) he convinced himself were the reason for his unhappiness. He left using the same excuses even though he was depressed and hadn't dealt with childhood issues.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This is really long....SORRY. I'm not sure how much you need to know to give advice on MLC vs WAS....but here is stuff about my H:
He comes from a broken home, very ugly divorce when he was in middle school.
When I met him (we were 20), he wasn't talking to his father at all, had/has an emotionally abusive stepdad (he's a total jerk!).
H had failed out of college and totaled his truck. His favorite grandma had just died that he was very close to. His family would always "joke" about how H is/was a "loser" and always messing up and making mistakes, etc.
H and I got pregnant before we really knew each other very well, and got married when our son was about 3 months old. (We've always had serious issues with all that...I was very innocent and just stupid for giving in and having sex with him...He was very experienced and had been having sex since junior high.)
Our marriage has always been rocky...but we were making it. We were affectionate and in love for several years.
H finished college after we married. We had three more kids. H had a great job for 12 years...then, got laid off with no warning due to the economy in 2008, and didn't find work again until 2011.
Two years after job loss (2010), we declared bankruptcy and lost our house to foreclosure. His new job is very stressful. He works nights and works 7 days a week. He is always tired and grumpy. He also has cut off most contact with his family...and has a bunch of new 20-year old friends.
A year ago, I find out about EA with old high school GF...which he still denies. Our marriage just fell apart. He lies all the time and hides stuff from me all the time. We're still having sex, but there's little affection at other times.
It's been up and down for over a year now. He'll say he's leaving and getting an apartment and a couple of days later, he's back and things are "fine".
On the DBing thing, when I try to pull away or go dark, he gets upset and says that I'm pushing him away or don't "want" him anymore. However, I'm definitely the pursuer and he is the distancer. Also, he just told me last week that he wants me to initiate ML more...but when I do, then I'm "pressuring" him.
Two weeks ago, he came home, hugged me in a bear hug, and said he loved me. Then, a couple of days later, he hated me and couldn't wait to move out.
This week, we had four good days in a row, from Thurs to Monday. Then, Monday, he tells me he wants a mediator. Yesterday, he was back home and acting fine. This morning, he tells me we need to be "civil" but need to move forward with divorce but is calling me "sweetie". UGH!
I feel like I am the CRAZY one!!!
Thoughts?
Bringing this over here my .02 is that it sounds like MLC to me.
CONFUSION = MLC
That being said your husband has many control issues. He is able to control you by his words and actions. Maybe these are some issues you need to look at for yourself.
They will not shorten his MLC but they may help YOU. And they may not make his MLC longer than it needs to be.
I am sure that CAT04 will have more words of wisdom for you.
Thanks, Cadet. I have felt like it was MLC but hoping it wasn't! Lol. MLCers are just plain crazy to deal with. Thanks for your input. I truly appreciate it!
Quote:
That being said your husband has many control issues. He is able to control you by his words and actions.
Yep. This is something that has been mentioned over on my thread, too. That H has a lot of control over my emotions and actions by what he says and does. And, it's true. I'm just not sure how to stop letting him have so much control over my emotional state. I really want out M to work so I try to change to accommodate his needs...but then, he changes his mind on what those needs are. Patient Man keeps telling me to decide who I want to be and stick with that. I'm working on it. Tough stuff to work out. Lol.
Maybe these are some issues you need to look at for yourself.
They will not shorten his MLC but they may help YOU.
I'm a "thinker"...probably over-think sometimes...but I've been trying to journal and figure out who I am...what I want out of life, etc. The "big" questions. And, I keep getting caught back up in my H and what he needs me to be. I don't want my marriage to be over. I love him. The kids love him. And, I'm comfortable with him. I don't want to start all over again. But, I'm starting to see that I really may have to start all over again, alone. And, that scares the H*** out of me.
And they may not make his MLC longer than it needs to be.
