He had gone to see our MT at one point a couple of months ago, because we had a serious conversation about the infrequency of our sex life while we were on vacation, and I think part of the reason seems to be he's still holding things against me from our early dating life. I still don't understand a lot of it, but that's another story.
I'm not sure that's "another story", a poor sex life can spill over and cause seemingly unrelated marital problems. He just saw a C one time for that? That should be something that both of you should be seeking ongoing help with.
Quote:
I usually don't resort to name calling (for the most part) but I think lately I've also been feeling really taken for granted
When you say you feel "taken for granted" I hear "love tank is on empty". Have you read the Five Love Languages? The way to get your love tank filled is to fill your spouse's first, then he will WANT to fill yours. If your response is "but I'm already filling his" then my response to that is "not in the ways he wants". Read the book and put it into practice ASAP!
Quote:
I had brought up at least a couple of times that I was feeling resentful lately, due to being the only one to ever plan and pay for our vacations, always having to be the one to have the emergency money if anything ever came up, always paid for anything he needed and was always having to drop the idea he would ever pay me back (only if it was a large amount and I needed the money) and was the one who tried to do thoughtful things for him whenever I could, etc.
I bet that's "more of the same" behavior for you, isn't it? You think you're communicating, but you know what he hears? Nagging. MWD discusses this very thing in DR. What you've got to do is break out and do a 180 on that, and reading 5LL can help get you there.
Quote:
It's more so that increasingly I feel like I'm in the role of giver, and he's in the role of "comfortable taker".
That's just your perception. His perception is probably that you constantly "nag" and "complain". And please understand, I'm not saying you're a complainer. You and I both know that you're just trying to get through to him, you're trying to communicate. But you're doing it on your terms and not his. You need to learn what his terms are.
Quote:
but it ended up with him telling me that yes he was going to leave me, that our marriage had disintegrated, that he just wanted me to leave him alone and stop talking.
Very sorry to hear this, but do what he's asking and leave him alone. Give him time and space.
Quote:
I did tell him if he wanted to leave, he should move out then
Now is not the time to apply pressure to him. He may be acting out based on the argument. Let him cool off.
Quote:
I'm not pushing the issue like I normally would
Good, keep it up!
Quote:
I guess I don't understand why or how I put myself in the position to be the one who always has to wait for him to come around.
Most of us don't understand why our spouses aren't willing to work with us, but such is the WAS/ LBS dynamic. It is what it is.
Quote:
How does someone turn off feelings for you?
He didn't, he's just trying to bury them and convince himself they're not there.
Quote:
Why can't I have a normal marriage? I know I'm not perfect, but how long am I going to be punished?
There's no such thing as a "normal" marriage. ALL couples have the same kind of problems as you and me. It's just that some couples are better equipped to deal with the problems when they come up. A successful marriage is one in which both spouses practice DB'ing whether they know the term or not. When you read about successful marriages you'll hear the same things repeated- "we know when to give each other time and space", "we have our lives together but also live independent lives", "we have problems like everyone else, we don't try to make them go away, we learn how to live with them", etc. All DB'ing principals.
Quote:
It's not like I'm being abused or feel unloved. I just wish things were a little better, and this makes me feel like maybe we're more screwed up than I thought?
What it means is you need more help than you thought. Too many people try to reconcile without (or with minimal) counseling. It just can't be done. The lack of sex is a huge red flag that you've had unresolved issues since getting back together. If your H expresses interest in the M again, make sure to get help. Get a good solutions-based MC, or phone in to a DB coach. Or both!
