He's not 'in love' with me

[CallaghanClown]

Callaghan, you just described my H. He is also suicidal and its awful how those guys don't take into consideration how this whole MLC affects the little ones. They are strangers, aren't they? My H is an impostor as well. I don't know this man.

But let me tell you something: ever since I started to detach and not let my feelings take over every interaction, I feel my self esteem go up and feel more sane and serene. I highly recommend. Whether we will get our H's back, or the men that we knew, back, I'm not sure, but the feeling of peace is priceless.

I'm not feeling so serene today. I don't feel like I'll ever get him back. He seems sad and alone, but also like he's enjoying his new life so much. I feel so sad and lost today and miss him terribly. But on the same hand, looking into his face today I felt nothing. Maybe I just miss having someone???

[CallaghanClown]

You seem to be handling things well.
Your sitch kind of reminds me of the book "this is not the story you think it is, a season of unlikely happiness" by Laura Munson....you may want to check that out if you have the time.

Continue to focus on you and the kids. Keep up a positive attitude. All the best to you!

Thanks Mimi I'll look that out.

I'm not handling things so well today, but like the beautiful swan I am, you'd never know from the outside.

I now have a new found empathy for ever woman that this has happened to before. I always thought there must be something really wrong in the relationship for this to happen. That you had to be totally stupid no not see it coming.....nope, I was stupid for judging others with no understanding of their situation.

I'm wrestling in my head today with one question.....how long do you wait?

I'm highly sexed and can't imagine waiting a year or more for him to come back. However I've not been single since I've been 15, I think it's high time I took some time out and enjoyed my own company.

[sayitaintso]

But I know that I can't fix him, I can't fix anyone. By trying to fix him, I'm trying to control him, which I don't want to do.

I do believe this all stems from his childhood. As do my issues with control and fixing people.

Yes Cal...You can't fix him and you didn't break him. These are deep rooted issues manifesting.

He will need to work himself out of his inner turmoil. Its tough to be along for the ride.

Be patient with yourself regarding your detachment, its a long process and not a linear one.

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks sayitaintso

I do give myself such a hard time and always feel responsible for everyone's happiness. I'm not sure when this started because I'd never have said this about myself until recently. I need to work on my confidence. I used to be so confident.

One step at a time.

[Feenix]

Oh, yes, CC. I bet a lot of us could say we were pretty judgmental of others before we experienced this ourselves. I know I was.

It is a totally different view from this side of things.

I understand the need to "fix," as well. It's so hard to stand back and just let our spouses fall. But, it is the only way we can come out of this healthy.

I love what sayit said above...."You can't fix him and you didn't break him."

On the "how long do you wait?" question....I have no reply. uRworthy has some good posts on that.

I, too, haven't been single in forever, even before I was married to H....so yes, I think we do have to take some time to find ourselves again.

Find out who you are...and what you want out of life. It sounds so cliché...but it is so true. I'm struggling with those tough questions right now.

Best of luck....

[NoMoreMistakes]

Callagham,

Sorry you find yourself here. You sound like you are doing well in understanding what steps you should take and are working towards those goals. Know that you are on the right track and that the detaching will get easier. There will be good days an days when its tough, but just keep taking baby steps.

It is hard, but you need to try to focus on calming yourself and getting into a healthy routine of eating and sleeping. I struggled with this at first, but you will see that the emotions aren't as hard to deal with if you don't have the added stress of lack of sleep or food.

[Preggonomore]

If you are anything like me, every time you think you've had enough, it was not the end yet. Maybe you need to truly exhaust yourself before giving in and giving up.

I think like in my stitch, you know that your H is not being himself and that's what keeps us hooked -- the memory of the man they can be, because they once wore. A part of you just want to shake him to his senses, right? He may come to it, sooner or later, and I think most of them do. The question is, will we still be willing to work on things when they do? The answer I have been giving myself is, one day at a time... Actually, better yet, one hour at a time, because days are long.

Meanwhile, if there's anything else in my life that needs attention, that's where I will try to go to. Besides your kids and your work, which you surely also focus on, is there any other area of your life that has been neglected?

To me is my dream to be a writer and I'm considering finishing a novel I put off forever, now that I'm alone in my room at night and can't sleep.

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks No

Eating has been a nightmare. I often wonder if this is just an amazing diet I'm on and the rest of the situation is in my crazy head. I've lost 20lbs in 6 weeks. Obviously sleeping has been effected by the lack of food, but I feel my appetite returning, which is good.

[CallaghanClown]

He's just left after putting the kids to bed.

He didn't come to MC because his car broke down. He did come later to put the kids to bed and spent the whole evening asking my advice about business issues. I didn't give any advice but validated his feelings and just let him talk. He kept telling me that he's caused all this and feels really bad. He says he can't sleep and his depression has been bad.

It killed me sitting chatting to him like nothing had happened. I can't figure out if I should give him an indication that the door has been left open. Or maybe he just wants to be friends???

[patientwarrior]

CC, I'm new to this roller coaster ride as well, so I'm probably not full of sage advice. I'm so sorry that you are here, in this situation. It's awful and confusing and chaotic. I will tell you this, though - it does get easier. I still love and miss my H very much, but I made myself detach and GAL. It was really hard at first, but every time I'd start to obsess or pick up the phone to call, I made myself stop, and I immediately started to occupy my time and thoughts with something else, something I enjoyed. Now I find that missing him doesn't hurt as much as it did before. I haven't cried in nearly a month, and I no longer rush to the phone as soon as I get in the door to see if he's called.
I've seen the phrase "make time your friend" often on these boards - and I have taken it to heart. In our situation, it really is the best thing we can do.

As for being highly sexed, I definitely feel you on that one. Not to get to TMI, but I have a box of toys and a supply of batteries, and I'm not afraid to use 'em! No, it isn't quite the same, but it does take the edge off.