Man, I feel like I must come across way crazier on here than I am in real life. I'll respond a bit more later.
I have been pretty quiet with W. I scheduled with her to get her piano moved on next Tuesday. It cracks me up, she's so organized/anal retentive that she just wants her piano to be in a certain place so she can decorate around it. I'll just be glad to have that out of the way, might move my TV to that wall!
She sent me something interesting that has had me thinking - it was part of the conversation the last few days where she has said she doesn't want divorce, but didn't know what to do. MIL divorced FIL about 3 years ago; FIL basically told MIL he loved her, and if she wanted him, she knew where to find him, and kinda went and did his own thing. It's funny because MIL/FIL still love each other - you can see it when they're together, but FIL is way too proud to ever change. Anyway, W told me, "I don't want to end up like MIL - 27 years into a marriage and unhappy." You'll be relieved to know that I simply said, "I understand that you don't want to live in a marriage like that."
It was interesting how, even at 30, her parent's relationship and divorce affected her.
She invited me over Thursday night to watch TV and hang out. I declined, "crazy busy with work". I'm hoping I get a gold star from AS!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I doubt you are coming off crazy. It seems more like you know the steps needed but backslide. Maybe its a delay in postings but to AS point, one post is about texting and conversations and the next is about how you have been dim or dark.
In my sitch I feel like I have been really dark, when in actuality its rare that I go many days without some kind of simple text. I think this is where AS is drawing a line. You are making steps towards detaching and going dark but don't seem to have given it time to take hold before rushing back in.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
Man, I feel like I must come across way crazier on here than I am in real life.
Not at all, you're just following your natural instincts which is decidedly "not crazy" However, DB'ing is all about fighting those natural instincts and doing something different. DB'ing works a lot better, so we keep pushing it even though it doesn't "feel" right when you do it.
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Anyway, W told me, "I don't want to end up like MIL - 27 years into a marriage and unhappy." You'll be relieved to know that I simply said, "I understand that you don't want to live in a marriage like that."
OK, not bad, but try to get her to expand on things like this. Why is she afraid the two of you will end up that way, what are her fears and concerns? Try to get her to talk about her feelings, and regardless of what they are- good, bad or otherwise, validate them. Don't try to convince her things will be different, just listen and validate, listen and validate.
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She invited me over Thursday night to watch TV and hang out. I declined, "crazy busy with work". I'm hoping I get a gold star from AS!
LOL! That was a good move for sure Next time just tell her "crazy busy", let her wonder what you're up to. Create some mystery!
In my sitch I feel like I have been really dark, when in actuality its rare that I go many days without some kind of simple text. I think this is where AS is drawing a line. You are making steps towards detaching and going dark but don't seem to have given it time to take hold before rushing back in.
Right, exactly. Someone here (Mach?) used to say keep all convo's to "bills and boys" (apologies if I said that in this thread already). The point being that if one is going dim then there should be ZERO friendly convo's with the spouse. Any phone calls and texts should be strictly limited to coordinating necessary items and then ended immediately. No "hey, how are you? How was work?" No hugs, kissing, meals, watching TV together. It may sound cold and distant, but that's EXACTLY what going dark/ dim is. It is cutting off all but absolutely required contact. Some describe it as the LBS becoming the WAS and there's a lot of truth in that, because it is a state of mind where the LBS says "I am done with this person and don't care what happens to them, I'm moving on".
Jon, I hope the above description helps you understand a little better why we keep saying you're not -really- dim. I am not necessarily saying you need to be in that place, but I do think some pulling back is in order.
Two things I learned ( I almost always learn the hard way btw) about going dim or dark.
1. Going dim or dark made me think about what I was doing all the time, thus I was always thinking I'm not going to text her. So I was making it so much harder on me. GAL and/or keeping busy is your friend here.
2. It can be a easy to turn going dark/dim into a punishment on your spouse for some, so be careful. Meaning for me at least, when I said no or didn't respond to my W early on, it was at times that I should have or at least responded something very brief. I turned her asking about a question about a D into a punishment. I would wait to respond or do it with digs, in my mind I was being dim, but in reality I was being an a55.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Next time just tell her "crazy busy", let her wonder what you're up to. Create some mystery!
Oh, she hears from all my friends about going out - she gets invited to some of the parties I go to. My GALing leaks back to her, and I can tell it bugs her. She has said more than once, "Well, you have a perfect happy life now with all your going out."
Most of us on here are in one of the most difficult situations of our lives, and we're all trying to muddle our way through.
We ALL probably look a little crazy at times...but the cool thing is that it's okay to be a bit crazy on here with all we're dealing with and trying to change and do.
I'll respond a bit more later.
Seriously, just keep being honest. No one is judging you here.