"homework" from job - Hi Job, thank you

[Pudmuddle]

Hi 2t2m, I'm sorry I didn't see your post here. Thank you so much for your support. Even though we don't wish to be here it helps so much to have others going through the same pain.

I am slowly, very slowly getting to the point of realizing I need to let him go, more than I thought I was. I cannot fix him, I cannot make him want to love me, only he can do this, for himself.

Thank you so much, for some reason I am crying now as I read your supportive thoughts. But it's a good cry, realizing I MUST let him go.

[Pudmuddle]

So I had some thought that I wanted to post here so that I can get them out and perhaps then be able to think more clearly on the subject. Any input is appreciated.

I've been thinking how I just don't like the person my H has chosen to become. I like the person he used to be, and the person he has the potential to be, but not who he is now. I don't like the decisions he makes based off of how he feels at the moment and who he is influenced by.

He has a low self-esteem at times and is easily swayed by listening to friends and what they would do. He doesn't seem to have a mind of his own on making good choices. He is most easily influenced by women and makes his choices from what they say, not from what he wants. He doesn't seem to want to delve any deeper into his issues or think it might be him and his issues that aren't making him happy. He is constantly turning to others to make him happy and not being happy inside first. I think this is why I got so exhausted and depressed because as hard as I tried he could not be happy with himself. And I could not make him happy.

I'm really wondering whether I want this type of role model in my S16's life. Not that we have a choice, since he is his father. The other thing is that a while ago I asked that he lie to me about when he was seeing AW and also to not tell his S. He listened to me and did not have the strength to stand up and say I will not lie. This is also the second time he has made the decision to cheat. This tells me more and more who he has become and I do not like it.

I'm thinking more and more of taking more serious measures to get him out of my life because I do NOT like the person he is now. I cannot make someone else happy. I can only add to the happiness they have inside.

[LoisB]

Wow. Pudmuddle. That's a lot to think about. Ditto for my situation.

I'm so proud of you!!! Beautiful, thoughtful writing. I need to keep reading this, over and over.

Thank you.

Heather

[Ab Fab]

Ditto...

This is the response I gave when my c asked if I met my ex now would I be attracted to him as he is now - and my answer was NO.

He it trying so hard to be something/someone he isn't, and it is the OW/questionable friends he is trying so hard to impress.

From the very brief insight I get at the moment, I would say he is still not a happy man, but cannot see that it him who has to fix the problems within first.

Will seem to do/say anything to avoid having to tell the truth... well to me anyway.

I can so see where you are coming from with this.

[cat04]

I've been thinking how I just don't like the person my H has chosen to become. I like the person he used to be, and the person he has the potential to be, but not who he is now. I don't like the decisions he makes based off of how he feels at the moment and who he is influenced by.

He has a low self-esteem at times and is easily swayed by listening to friends and what they would do. He doesn't seem to have a mind of his own on making good choices. He is most easily influenced by women and makes his choices from what they say, not from what he wants. He doesn't seem to want to delve any deeper into his issues or think it might be him and his issues that aren't making him happy. He is constantly turning to others to make him happy and not being happy inside first. I think this is why I got so exhausted and depressed because as hard as I tried he could not be happy with himself. And I could not make him happy.

Hi Pud,

I have been reading along for a while now...

I highlighted the word chosen in the above quote because I feel it is very important that you understand that the behavior your H is exhibiting right now, is not necessarily a choice.

At least not a conscious choice.

Something I have come to believe in the course of my life and especially during my experience with MLC, most people do not make conscious choices to be mean, cruel, or make bad decisions...

I want to caution you as to your belief about your H's decision making abilities. I too, ended up holding the belief that my X made poor choices that were easily influenced by other people (especially women.)

That was a belief (while maybe true, maybe not) gave me permission to not allow myself to depend on my H at times when I should have.

It was definatly detrimental to my M.

Along with some other stinkin' thinkin' that I had. And some control issues...

I still am not sure if I have an opinion of whether or not your H is MLC...which makes me cautious in what I might offer...DB and other things do differ when dealing with a MLCer vs a WAS...

Job asked you some questions, specifically what was happening 18 months or so prior to each BD...that I don't think you really answered. And that information would be helpful to those of us who post from a MLC perspective...although ultimately, only YOU can decide if you really think he is MLC or not...

I'm thinking more and more of taking more serious measures to get him out of my life because I do NOT like the person he is now. I cannot make someone else happy. I can only add to the happiness they have inside.

You are right you can only add to someone else's happiness.

However, are you simply looking for an excuse to end this marriage?

And I know you are probably going to say to yourself "where does this person, who doesn't post often, get off asking me something like that..."

I would suggest you click my name, read some of my posts and read some of the other threads I have posted on, specifically ones with Fallgirl and TrustingFaithfully...

They definately resemble some of what you are going through...

[Feenix]

Wow, Pud. First, your post was great and I can see so many similarities between your sitch and mine, as far as our H's mindset, etc. and because we both still have them at home.

Also, you got some GREAT advice from the others on here! Really good stuff that I needed to hear today! Stuff I need to read over and over.

[quote=Pudmuddle]We feel so disconnected and have been withdrawn from each other, almost db'ing in a bad way, for so long, I just don't know anymore.
quote]

I totally identify with this. It feels like my H and I have both been withdrawn (although not physically) for so long now that I'm not sure the "real" DBing is working. We had already come to a place where we were doing our own thing and ignoring each other, my H especially....so now that I'm trying to do those things, H sees it as confirmation that we should be done.

Although, my backslide today didn't help, I'm sure.

[Feenix]

cat04,

If you return to this thread, I'd like to ask you some questions about MLC. Your post intrigued me very much!

I have been VERY confused on how to handle my H because he displays symptoms of an MLCer...but then, when I try DBing with that in mind, it sometimes backfires. So, then, I wonder if he isn't in a MLC....but is more a WAS. I know there's no clear line between the two, but just seems like you might have some useful info!!

[cat04]

Angela,

Ask away. I read often, as it helps me remember all that I have learned and experienced, which helps me move forward...

I post, when compelled. I hate posting from my phone so sometimes it has to wait.

There are many many good people who can answer anything that I might not get to...

Today, I'm home so it's a good day

[Pudmuddle]

Hi cat04, I really appreciate another perspective, that's kind of what I was looking for as I seem to be so wrapped up in my emotions right now.

From your perspective, what do you think my H is? WAS or MLC? I'd really be curious to know what you think.

Also, what questions did I not answer fully for job? I know I need to dig deeper to discover me and H, that is where I am getting stuck.

And I may be trying to reason with myself on how to end the marriage, even though deep down I do not want to. I just feel a mountain of hurt, this being the 2nd A, and I know I am not handling it well.

I will check out your thread and the others you mentioned. Thank you so much for the different perspective.

[Pudmuddle]

cat04,

If you return to this thread, I'd like to ask you some questions about MLC. Your post intrigued me very much!

I have been VERY confused on how to handle my H because he displays symptoms of an MLCer...but then, when I try DBing with that in mind, it sometimes backfires. So, then, I wonder if he isn't in a MLC....but is more a WAS. I know there's no clear line between the two, but just seems like you might have some useful info!!

I guess I didn't realize there was a difference between WAS and MLC. I'd like to know too!