"homework" from job - Hi Job, thank you

[cat04]

I've been thinking how I just don't like the person my H has chosen to become. I like the person he used to be, and the person he has the potential to be, but not who he is now. I don't like the decisions he makes based off of how he feels at the moment and who he is influenced by.

He has a low self-esteem at times and is easily swayed by listening to friends and what they would do. He doesn't seem to have a mind of his own on making good choices. He is most easily influenced by women and makes his choices from what they say, not from what he wants. He doesn't seem to want to delve any deeper into his issues or think it might be him and his issues that aren't making him happy. He is constantly turning to others to make him happy and not being happy inside first. I think this is why I got so exhausted and depressed because as hard as I tried he could not be happy with himself. And I could not make him happy.

Hi Pud,

I have been reading along for a while now...

I highlighted the word chosen in the above quote because I feel it is very important that you understand that the behavior your H is exhibiting right now, is not necessarily a choice.

At least not a conscious choice.

Something I have come to believe in the course of my life and especially during my experience with MLC, most people do not make conscious choices to be mean, cruel, or make bad decisions...

I want to caution you as to your belief about your H's decision making abilities. I too, ended up holding the belief that my X made poor choices that were easily influenced by other people (especially women.)

That was a belief (while maybe true, maybe not) gave me permission to not allow myself to depend on my H at times when I should have.

It was definatly detrimental to my M.

Along with some other stinkin' thinkin' that I had. And some control issues...

I still am not sure if I have an opinion of whether or not your H is MLC...which makes me cautious in what I might offer...DB and other things do differ when dealing with a MLCer vs a WAS...

Job asked you some questions, specifically what was happening 18 months or so prior to each BD...that I don't think you really answered. And that information would be helpful to those of us who post from a MLC perspective...although ultimately, only YOU can decide if you really think he is MLC or not...

I'm thinking more and more of taking more serious measures to get him out of my life because I do NOT like the person he is now. I cannot make someone else happy. I can only add to the happiness they have inside.

You are right you can only add to someone else's happiness.

However, are you simply looking for an excuse to end this marriage?

And I know you are probably going to say to yourself "where does this person, who doesn't post often, get off asking me something like that..."

I would suggest you click my name, read some of my posts and read some of the other threads I have posted on, specifically ones with Fallgirl and TrustingFaithfully...

They definately resemble some of what you are going through...