Well, I've made it through the week. Didn't pick up any new hobbies but I did manage to get a little of my house cleaned last weekend without interruption, caught up on some reading, and just enjoyed the quiet.
Gabe comes home tonight and he's been very lovey dovey in texts and phone calls. Lots of ILY which is TOTALLY RARE! He doesn't say that more than maybe 2-3 times per year. This is unprecedented. I could be a cynic and say he's compensating for a guilty conscience but I'm going to try to be positive and just say that he missed me. Yeah, I'll go with that!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Life has settled back into routine. The ILY's have stopped but I'm keeping the faith....or trying to at least.
Marc is blowing off school and it's making us crazy! He just won't do the simple work that is required of him. His autism coordinator and I came up with a plan...we'll see if it works. She's going to pull him out of team sports and make him come to her room to do make up work until he gets caught up.
I will admit, I've been in a bit of a depressive mood lately and because of that I haven't been going to the gym. NOT GOOD! I know the gym improves my mood even though I'm miserable while I'm there but my depression is keeping from going. Working on it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Oh, I definitely say it. Sometimes I get one back, most of the time his response is, "Why?". I'm not sure if he's fishing for compliments or if he genuinely doesn't understand why. Depending on my mood I may give him a specific reason and if I'm feeling particularly snarky that day my response is, "Heck if I know!"...followed by a laugh and a big smile so he knows I'm kidding.
What does he need from me? I don't have a clue. I keep my eyes and ears open for statements from him of satisfaction or dissatisfaction. Nothing. I have point blank asked him...nope. He doesn't need anything according to him...I call BS. I flat out told him that if he is ever feeling restless or unhappy in our R that he needs to come and talk to me before it festers into what it did before. He agreed but I've heard nothing from him about being unhappy.
I have set a deadline for myself for movement in our R. Next April. We take Marc on his cruise and my birthday is that month. If he hasn't made any kind of movement toward solidifying our R any further by then, I'm going to have to wind up my courage and sit him down for a long talk. UGH! I hate that. I'm not good at it and it always feels like I'm just talking and talking and he sits there and nods and agrees without any input. It makes me crazy! NO matter what we are talking about, this is how it ends up. I talk, he nods. No back and forth.
I'm flying to CA this Saturday to surprise my BFF. She just got a nursing job after passing her state exam. I'm so proud of her and she starts work (for the first time in 13 years) on 11NOV so I'm headed out there to surprise her for a few days. I'm so excited for her! She worked for so long to achieve that goal and she finally did it. I can't even begin to imagine working toward something for that long. I would have quit LONG before that.
Marc had a bit of an emotional breakdown at school yesterday. He had let so many feelings bottle up inside him for so many years and they came flooding out yesterday morning in, of all places, weight training! OMG! He said he managed to get to the coach's office before the floodgates opened but I feel so bad for him. He's a lot like his dad in that respect. He doesn't show his emotions, even in the worst of times. He just holds it in and lets it fester. He broke yesterday thinking about the deaths of my mom and aunt and uncle. My aunt and uncle were like another set of grandparents for him. Couple that with the fact that his girlfriend is moving about 30 minutes from us and he's a total mess.
I will be back in the gym as soon as I get back from CA next Thursday. Until then....I'm slothing it!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
So a couple of thoughts and questions come to mind and they are meant with the best of intentions and I'm in no way trying to criticize or hit you with a 2 X 4:
1. I personally don't think Gabe is happy with himself and until he can be happy with himself I don't think he can be happy with you or anyone for that matter, much less even consistently communicate that he loves you.
2. What are you getting out of this R if you are the one who is continually giving and not receiving? I've so been there and I know and understand how much it can hurt inside when you are professing your love for someone, both in actions and words, and it's not reciprocated or only occasionally. I am betting you cling on to every word he says trying to gleam the answer of what he wants so that he will want you. I know I did with my ex-wife. My radar was up 24/7 looking for "the answer" and there basically wasn't one, because she really was never (and still isn't) happy with herself and couldn't be happy with me. I stayed way too long in it thinking it would change for the better. Sure it can seem like you are handling it, but the toll it can take on your self-esteem and self worth can be more devastating than you recognize. I'm glad you've put a firm date on when you need to see a change.
3. Finally, how does Marc see your and Gabe's relationship? Does he look at this as a normal and healthy one? Something he will emulate later in life?
Mish - It seems like you've been doing this for a long, long time. You are a caring and giving person who deserves the same in a partner. I hope come April you are getting that from Gabe and if not then you start the journey to get it from somewhere else.
Back from socal. Wonderful trip but I found it hard to come home this time. Not because I miss CA, I don't. Ugh. Nightmare place to me now. I do, however, have a much harder time leaving my friends. I have a couple of close friends here but it's just not like my friendship with Stephanie. It couldn't be. We have been so close since we were 14. There is no way to replicate that intimacy with people you've only known 12 years. Sigh. I cried when I left.....I NEVER CRY WHEN I LEAVE!
Gearing up for Thanksgiving in Pigeon Forge now. I hope it goes well. The other times we have done this we had a wonderful time. I just worry.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
If you haven't had a bad time in the past there is no reason to project doom and gloom on to the occasion. You WILL have a wonderful time. You will tell Gabe that you missed him and love him. You can't control what he says back but you can give what you so desperately want back in return.
Teach him how to treat you. Teach him that this a new relationship, not a comfortable shoe. You have expectations, help him meet them.
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Glad you had a great trip to SoCal. I can totally relate to the friend thing. While I have several friendships here in the area, combined they still pale in comparison to the friendship I have with my best friend who lives in Ohio. I have known him for more than 30 years now and he has been there for me during some of the roughest periods of my life. While we try to get together as often as possible, it never seems to be enough. I hope one day we live merely a few streets apart instead of entire States.
IMO - Enjoy your upcoming Thanksgiving! IMO - it's all about the attitude you have going into it. If you are excited about it being fun - then the chances are better that it will be!
