Well, the good news about this roller coaster being SO unpredictable is that it's helping me detach a bit more.
I can't even think about H without thinking, "What the h***?" His moods are all over the map, and frankly, I'm tired of the ride.
Like someone wrote on my thread, it's like harpooning a whale and then, trying to hold on. I'm tired of being yanked all over the place.
This afternoon, H kept checking in with my via text. I only replied if it was necessary so that I didn't appear rude. He ate supper with the kids, and complimented me on supper. He even told me goodbye when he left. I maintained my distance and kept busy while he was here.
He just texted me again, on his way to work. Last night, he was moving in with his friend... tonight, he's acting like nothing happened. Like he doesn't even remember.
***Banging Head on Desk*** I screwed up. I was trying to stay dim. H was home yesterday for a bit and we were peaceful (mostly cause I ignored him). I was not contacting him, etc.
Then, today, we had to text about some stuff with the kids coming up on Friday....and it turned into a mean, texting war.
Then, he got all self-righteous...and because I was being so emotional, I GAVE him ammo for the whole "and this is why we can't stay married" speech. "because we never get along"..... I am kicking myself right now!!!!
I was even stupid enough to tell him that I am being so emotional because he keeps going on and on and on about how HE is going to be "civil" through our divorce, etc. but the thing that makes me SO mad is that he hasn't been civil for the past 2 years!!! So, now that he's leaving me, he can be civil??????
He wouldn't work on our marriage AT ALL before. But, now that he's done, he's giving me lectures on being civil????? It just makes me feel like I was never worth the effort for him.
He is still trying to justify everything by making you the bad guy. He wants it to be "civil" because he doesn't want to make it look like he had anything to do with the action he is choosing to take. I know the emotions are still so raw and hurtful, but you're absolutely right that he uses it as ammo. DON'T LET HIM DO THAT.
Stay strong and if he eggs you on remove yourself from the room and say I can't talk to you about this right now.
Head over to midlife crisis forum and read what I just posted about my H. It will make a lot of sense to you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
***Banging Head on Desk*** I screwed up. I was trying to stay dim. H was home yesterday for a bit and we were peaceful (mostly cause I ignored him). I was not contacting him, etc.
Then, today, we had to text about some stuff with the kids coming up on Friday....and it turned into a mean, texting war.
Then, he got all self-righteous...and because I was being so emotional, I GAVE him ammo for the whole "and this is why we can't stay married" speech. "because we never get along"..... I am kicking myself right now!!!!
I was even stupid enough to tell him that I am being so emotional because he keeps going on and on and on about how HE is going to be "civil" through our divorce, etc. but the thing that makes me SO mad is that he hasn't been civil for the past 2 years!!! So, now that he's leaving me, he can be civil??????
He wouldn't work on our marriage AT ALL before. But, now that he's done, he's giving me lectures on being civil????? It just makes me feel like I was never worth the effort for him.
I am SOOOOO angry and sad right now!!!
Talk me down, people...talk me down. Lol.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Pud: I checked out your thread on the MLC board. And, yep, I'm feeling a lot of what you are right now with regards to H...but you got some good advice over there. Stuff that I need to think on, too.
sayit: I laughed so hard when I read your post!!!! You are SO right. Yes, I DEFINITELY need some STFU...but probably more than a 30-pack!!!! I need it by the pallet load right now. I feel like the teenagers I teach all day....I just can't shut my mouth this week...and I gotta get a handle on that immediately!!! Thank you for the 2X4!
And, PM, you know I'm going to say it....while sighing a bit with frustration at myself...but I want to be HAPPY...not right.
So, now what do I do? No contact and hope it blows over? Or apologize? That wouldn't be DBing...but a part of me feels like apologizing for being so emotional. I don't want him to pack his bags and move out today because I finally set him off enough to do that.
Then, he got all self-righteous...and because I was being so emotional, I GAVE him ammo for the whole "and this is why we can't stay married" speech. "because we never get along"..... I am kicking myself right now!!!!
Deep breaths It was a backslide, we all have them. Learn from it. What can YOU do to break the cycle in the future? How can YOU stop the fights before they start? Remember "it takes one to tango", you can change the dynamic by yourself!
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but the thing that makes me SO mad is that he hasn't been civil for the past 2 years!!! So, now that he's leaving me, he can be civil??????
Anger masks pain. What he said hurt you. Address the pain, don't let it become anger. Work through the pain and it goes away. Let it convert to anger and it takes up permanent residence in you.
I work in Dallas so I'm pretty close to you, I'll try and send positive vibes your way
AS, I thought it took two to tango. I must be doing it wrong. LOL!
Ang, here's the thing about all that. Yes, it was a backslide. Yes, they happen. You shake it off, you move on from it. It will not make or break your sitch.
What he said, they have all said in one form or another - "See, thats why Im leaving."
They need to justify it in their heads. If they cant, then where are they?
It is important, though, to take a look at what stung because there could be valuable info there.
You are angry because you are hurt. All valid feelings. And anger can be used to propel you forward. So it is best to feel it, then let it wash over you. Otherwise it weighs you down and saps your energy. Energy better spent on you.
So, you need to put some plans into place when this kind of stuff happens so you are prepared to deal with it.
What could you do when these discussions escalate and you feel out of control?
How can you react differently? Not for him, for you.
It was a backslide, we all have them. Learn from it. What can YOU do to break the cycle in the future? How can YOU stop the fights before they start? Remember "it takes one to tango", you can change the dynamic by yourself!