As for S and depression, H has every right to know, he is the dad. I would let S know you will be informing his Dad, and go with the "we both love you and this affects all of us" route. Shutting H out of your kids' lives (or your son's) doesn't seem warranted. Your H has been pretty good so far with his S.
Christmas- It's early yet and I understand you don't want to leave your Mom hanging. maybe you could explain that it may be rather last minute? Us Moms are good that way when it comes to our kids . But I like your plan of dinner at your Mom's and making your own the next.
It's very early in your sitch. And I have a lot of hope for your relationship with H. You have to make it about you in the sense that you become the woman only a fool would leave (paraphrasing a vet here). When that happens, a funny thing happens as well- you realize that you are awesome and if H is in your life...great! If he isn't...kind of great as well!
What are some GAL activities you have planned, besides symphony?
Hmmmm he never shared any complaints. What do you think his complaints might be now that you've read this board a bit and have had an opportunity to reflect?
Are you controlling, do you want to fix things for people? I ask that specifically because not telling your H about S's depression is something a controller/fixer would do. We (and yes,I include myself in that) decide what people are able to handle. It seems on the surface we're being nice the them but really it's all about us.
Your husband does sound depressed but there are many types of depression and it's his to deal with. He has to wrestle with his demons.
You get to wrestle with yours. What are they?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
hotwheels, k_p and labug - thank you for your feedback. You've given me lots of food for thought.
I will tell H about S's depression ASAP. It's what my gut was telling me to do, but I'm dealing with an mlcer, so I feel like I'm walking a minefield at the moment. I will just make sure I do this in a way that is not demanding, or will make him feel pressured.
I talked to Mom about Christmas, and told her that I was going to wait until a week or so before to discuss it with H. She was, of course, understanding, and knows that things may be last minute. My mom is the bomb!
labug: I've definitely never been a controller/fixer. My problem is that I can sometimes be an emotional clam. I tend to live in my head a lot, and keep my emotions in check. This isn't a constant state, but there are periods where I can be closed and withdrawn. Looking back over the marriage, I can see how there were likely times that H didn't feel appreciated or loved enough. This is something that I've been working hard to change over the past couple of months - reconnecting with family and old friends, talking about things with Mom, even opening up here (though the anonymity makes that easier).
pw, I am in the same way as you as far as my H hasn't been nasty or had harsh words...yet.
Also, my S16 is going to a counselor because he told me the other day that he had been smoking pot since he was a freshmen (now a junior) to "ease the pain". From what he tells me, mostly high school drama but also my dad's death a year ago and now what H and I are going through. My S is not feeling good about telling H because H has been hard on his nephew who smokes A LOT of pot and he has had harsh words about him. I told my S I wouldn't say anything until S felt ready. But I do think his father must know soon as to what is going on with his S. Maybe after the C session, he will feel better about talking to his father. I'm not purposely withholding it, just trying to respect my S's tender feelings at the moment. My H had asked what was wrong last week and I told him I was trying to respect son and H was ok with me not telling him. It may wake him up or it may not, I can only hope it will. But I am not counting on that at the moment.
I think mother's know when their kids are worse off, so good for you for not allowing the hospital submission. You will know if it gets that bad. Best of luck to you and your son.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Oh, and as for GALing: I've been doing a lot of things w S. We generally take road trips on Sundays - just pick a couple of towns on the map and go. He brings his camera and takes lots of pictures (one of the few things he really gets excited about is photography). We also have movie nights, either at the cinema or at home. This month, we'll have lot at home - it's Halloween season, and we both love horror movies, so we're watching a lot of the classics.
I'm also doing some things just for me. I'm practicing yoga, which I enjoy greatly. I've been working out 5 days a week. I've started crocheting, which I learned from my grandma lo these many years ago, lol! I'm working on a blanket for my oldest S to take with him when he moves to Colorado. I also try to go out and be social (something that has been very difficult for me in recent years) once a week. Usually meet up with some people from work for a few drinks. And I am starting volunteer work at a local animal rescue center in a couple of weeks.
pud, I know what you mean about respecting your son's feelings. This age - 14/15/16 - is so volatile for them. I'm sorry to hear about what your S is going through, but it sounds like you are being a great mom for him right now. Best of luck to the both of you, as well!
My problem is that I can sometimes be an emotional clam. I tend to live in my head a lot, and keep my emotions in check.
Why?
(that sentence could have described me, also)
I think a lot of it goes back to childhood. I was an only child for the first 13 years of my life, with both parents working, and we lived in a rural area. I spent a lot of time by myself, and I got used to that. Now, it can be hard for me to share with others because I spent so much developmental time with just me.
So, I just called H. First, I talked to S to let him know that, because his dad loves him, I thought he would want to know about the counseling and the depression. S was okay with that. Called H at work, and told him that I knew he was probably busy at the moment, but when he had more time, could he call me so that we could talk about S. He immediately wanted to know what was wrong, and said he'd make time right now. I told him about the counseling (not details), and that S had opened up to me a little - that he felt he wasn't in a good place and was very unhappy. I made sure to let him know that I felt the depression had been there before the separation, and that this wasn't his fault. Told him that I was letting him know because he is S's father, and I felt that he would want to know. And also told him that, while I would welcome and appreciate his input, I also understand that he is dealing with a lot of things himself, and that needn't feel pressured. He said that he very much wanted to help out, and that he would call me first thing tomorrow so that we could deal with it together.
My H doesn't have a bad word to say either, except about himself.
Personally I'd be honest with your husband. Validate his feelings when you tell him. Even sugar coat the truth about your S by telling your H about how you are helping S
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
. But I like your plan of dinner at your Mom's and making your own the next.
Best of luck to the both of you, as well!