dingo - that stinks, I'm so sorry. I know not every situation is the same, but maybe this'll keep your chin up.
My W has already filed, and was debating dismissing the divorce. Last weekend, we had a great time together, lots of laughing and snuggling and hugging, but then all of a sudden. she said she wanted the divorce. I asked her about the delay we had discussed, and she said, "No way".
That was Sunday evening, and on Monday we went to court to schedule divorce trial dates. I didn't say a peep to her until Wednesday afternoon; she texted me out of the blue and said, "We can do the delay."
Things are still sort of all over the board, but stay strong, and focused!
A couple of times over the past few weeks while she and I have been attempting to reconcile, when relationship talks would happen, I asked her if I could share some things about what she might be going through with her. She said yes and I gave her some excerpts of Sandi's posts. Specifically the parts that said she would have withdrawals from the OM, might get depressed, etc. I also gave her portions that said how important it would be to have someone she can trust and that will advocate for her to remain in the marriage to talk to when things were rough.
This morning, I simply asked her if what she was feeling might be attributable to withdrawals/depression and if she had thought of anyone she could talk to.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
Dingo, I am not a VET but IMHO by doing this you are applying a lot of pressure on her.
I would consider doing this again. Keep books, this site and your new gained knowledge to yourselves and especially the origin of this.
It is your doings and not your sayings that really counts
All the best!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Sorry Dingo. I know it's tough, but I also think it's pretty normal for someone in an affair. It really is like an addiction and while she may really want to reconcile in her mind, losing that "fix" is extremely scary, as is the idea that things will go back to the same old thing. Seeing that person every day just makes it that much harder. It's like working in a bar and trying to quit drinking.
I would stop asking her about her feelings, stop trying to convince her different, or any of that. Stay focused on you, keep making positive changes, stay calm. Get some exercise and GAL hard.
She knows you want to work on the M....you don't need to tell her any more. What you need to do now is take care of you....protect yourself, set boundaries, and don't allow her to cake eat.
Hang in there buddy....I know this is really tough.
I somehow managed to lose all my posts I typed Friday, so I apologize for just getting back with you.
Okay, so she had made a decision.....right? She said she didn't want to give up the OM. Unless you are willing to share her with another man, then does that settle it? You may think so, or tell yourself it does, but a lot of men discover it's not that easily done. So, let's think about some things.
You are scared. Scared she will meet with OM and sleep with him while you are away on your job. You even got her to verbally agree......which means nothing to a W having an A. At one time, she might would have honored it, but she has changed. It's painful to know she isn't the same as when she M you, but something caused her to cross the line with this guy and dishonor her vows. You are wanting to keep her from doing it again. You can't. You can get promises from her, keep her on the phone as much as possible, maybe have someone to even watch her...but the cold fact is that you cannot keep her from seeing this OM, if that's what she wants.
A lot of men are so panicked that they can't see they are trying to control the other person. They just want the A to end, (which is what needs to happen so the M can R). It's really kind of natural that a man tries to control the situation b/c he's fighting for his M. But here's the point: you cannot control her. And the more she feels you are trying to control her, the more she will prove you can't. It just makes things worse. Besides, what could you do to stop her?
She is giving signs of wanting to end the M and remain "best friends", and that's why she is doing the hand holding, etc. It's almost like a mother reassuring her little boy that he will be okay when it's all over. If men only knew it at the time, they would not subject themselves to this. But most guys misunderstand the actions and read the wrong message into what she's doing. IOW, she wants to dump you for OM, but she wants you and her to be friends.
Since you have shown her the changes you were willing to make...and she still chose to keep the OM, my advice is to drop the rope. Go completely dark on her. No contact of any kind. It won't stop her from having the A, but she's going to do it anyway. If you will move forward and be fine without her in your life...you might just have a chance at R. However, it won't be soon. In fact, by the time she comes around (if she does), you may no longer be interested.
The people who come back here to tell us their WAW returned to the M, were the ones who finally got enough of everything and was ready to drop the emotional rope they had tied around the WAW. Once the WAW sees what she lost, it can wake her out of the A fog. But like I said, it takes time, and there are no grantees.
If you decide it's the way you want to go, then I would suggest distancing yourself from her. Focus 100% on yourself and healing from your painful experience. Find the man you use to be (or become better). Get a life for yourself, but more than that....have a life of significance. Give of yourself in some way (volunteer to help the elderly, sick, & needy). Keep balanced between work, fun, friends/family, Church, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Get plenty of sleep, exercise and stay on a healthy diet.
This may sound like dime-store advice, but if you can handle yourself with honor and dignity, you will walk tall and feel good about yourself. Don't let your mistakes bury you. Learn from them and keep growing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She then told me that I was pushing her out the door by fighting for our marriage.
Listen to her words. Act on Sandi's and others advice.
This will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
So I took a page out of Love Must be Tough and told her that if she wanted a divorce, to get the papers drawn up and I would sign them. I told her that I'd given her as many chances as I could but too many boundaries had been crossed. If she wants to continue to work on things - new job, absolutely zero contact and a concrete plan to avoid the temptations of the affair and start to heal the marriage. If she is not willing to do these things, she should start to plan on moving out.
After I said my peace, i went upstairs and read a book. She sat in silence for a while and then came upstairs. As per her MO, she was all goodnights and cuddles. I did say good night but otherwise didn't reciprocate any affection.
Yesterday morning before I left town, she said again that she wanted the next three days of me being gone to consider things. That she was 'leaning' towards divorce but that her mind was not made up. She actually admitted to some past failings like squandering the space that I had previously given her by using it as a way to get time with the OM, that she is confused about what the best decision is and doesn't have the strength to make one, etc.
Since Ive left town, shes texted me a number of times and called me twice, including calling me from the house line around 9pm last night to prove to me that she's actually staying at the house. I have been answered her with friendly and polite but measured responses.
She asked me for the number of the counselor so she can set up an individual appointment (she could have looked it up online). She asked me to send her a bunch of articles I had sent to her way back when the affair was outed about addiction and affairs, how to overcome them and how they are built on lies and fantasies (she could have easily gotten them from her email account). She made a point to tell me that she had set up an appointment and had read all of the articles - but wasn't interested in discussing them at this point.
I guess I shouldnt try to interpret any meaning in this but this is, at least at face value, more effort and enthusiasm than she's ever displayed to me.
I have had a pretty good time at my work training and have tried very hard to be in the moment here and not think about things. I have not initiated any contact with her and have tried to give her some space and time to see what its like without me - as much as she will let me. I go home tomorrow night and am not really looking forward to it. I can't go completely dark from her as we still live together but I do want to stay strong and convicted in this.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Dingo, you have made a choice that many of us, many months down the track would struggle to do. As long as you are comfortable and accepting of the resutlt, whatever that is, then congrats for doing it. I can simply state I understand how and why you have reached that point, we are all different, we do things, say, act and feel so different to other people and other situations. There is no one magical answer for any of us on this journey we find ourselves. I simply hope you can move on, with more happiness and goals, whatever your answer is.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
So this morning she called me to tell me she made an appointment with the counselor. She mentioned that the articles I sent her were insightful and that the affair did feel like an addiction a lot of the time but she also thinks its something more.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
