On October 1st, I finally agreed to be amicable and try and divorce my wife without a fight. We are here in California where it is a no-fault state, so I don't have to agree.
We are both 36, have been together for 10 years, married for 5.
About three years ago my wife decided she wanted to divorce me, because I was angry and selfish and lazy all the time, which is probably true. I keep trying to blame it on the anti-depressants I was on, but she's convinced I was bipolar.
Needless to say, things went slowly down hill until a year and a half ago she said she wanted a divorce and I said no, I don't believe in divorce, so she said that I had her body but not her heart.
She was getting ready to go to Las Vegas in July 2012 for a Bachelorette party and I was a bit worried. I knew something might happen. I knew her passwords so I began monitoring her google search history. I did this until very recently.
What I learned after August 2012 is that she was wondering if she should tell her husband about her Las Vegas fling, so I got very suspicious and became more and more stalkerly. I monitored her search history and most of it was work related, some of it was about "married and cheating" some of it was about "booty call etiquette".
In september 2012 we got pregnant with our second child, and I figured everything was better in our marriage. I still noticed her search history tended towards boredom in marriage, frustration with me, and a lot of stuff. We definitely had grown apart, mainly because I never trusted her. I had no reason to distrust her early on in the relationship but she did give indications of a "genetic predisposition to cheat" which is bullshit, but I went with it and became a lot more insecure.
She gave birth to our son in June 2, 2013. On June 15th, I was holding him, sitting up in the bed bottle feeding him, and he was screaming as babies are wont to do. I think she was upset at me or I was mad, so I banged my own head against the headboard six or seven times and then entered somewhat of a catatonic state. I learned that was the day she decided she would divorce me one day.
On July 1st, I was putting our 3yo to bed and texting my wife to ask how she had slept, and she threatened to "fucken (sic) cut your throat" for asking how a 1 month old baby slept. I was a lot more gently after that.
After a few weeks, I noticed through my stalking that she created another email account. I guessed the password and logged into it. I found that she joined a chat network called palringo and signed up. She was bored while breast pumping and so I signed up and preteneded to be a stranger. I asked her all kinds of questions about her husband, and improved my own personal behavior using the information I got surreptitiously. She figured it out and ferreted me out. She forgave me and still makes fun of me for it.
Then, we entered a period of relative calm, for a few weeks. I peeked at her phone on 8/17 and got caught, and felt very guilty. We had normally had pretty decent sex but apparently she told me the truth, that I wasn't very good but that wasn't important to her. (I studied up and got a lot better but oh well) At the same time I started recording her phone conversations during her 40 minute commute and noticed she was talking to some guy on the phone.
She told me she made a friend and that he was just someone she talked to because we were all going to go to a swinger club together. I really thought she was having an affair, so I figured out from his mobile phone his identity, did a background check, and contacted his mom, a mental health provider under the guise of confidentiality and asked about her son. She told me he was getting engaged and threatened to call my wife and tell her I did this. I told my wife instead.
She forgave me.
That was also around the same time I told her about the recording device and the calls. I don't know why but she was so angry and said there was no going back. I think we had sex that night.
The following week I noticed she was chatting her sister on line and her sister gave her the name of a divorce attorney. She said she'd call her in January after our Hawaii vacation with the kids. I called the attorney first and conflicted her out. I'm a real piece of [censored]. She found this out, somehow. Maybe she called thae attorney and it was too late, or maybe the attorney, a friend of her sister, violated confidence and told her I called.
Either way, she had figured out I was reading her email and chats, and changed her passwords, finally. The damage had been done. I don't think she forgave me. I moved out for three days to my parents' vacation condo in Glendale and that made her angry because I wasn't available to help with the kids. I was hospitalized on Sep 20 - 23, for checking myself in for suicidal ideation.
While I was there, she contacted an attorney and talked about divorce. I knew this was coming. I know she's very sad because of my mental illness. She insists it's bipolar but it's not. I'm just going to treat the perception illness not the one that's diagnosed because I need to treat symptoms.
Monday, I found a printout in her car when I was going to the gas station and I googled the address. It's a divorce attorney. I called to conflict them out and voila, she had already called them so that was how I knew I needed to call divorce busters.
On October 1st, I finally relented and agreed to be amicable. We own four homes and she's going to have to find $200,000 to get me to leave our marital home because I bought it before marriage and put $150k down at purchase.
We have to use her high powered attorney but I am going to retain my own just to show up at the table. She's worried I'm going to hurt her or the kids.
My psychiatrist told her not to go to marriage counseling because I was the one with the problems. Yes, he said mostly that. My episode over the last month sealed the deal. She says we would have stayed together until the kids were 18, even having sex (we have chemistry)
Right now, I am days away from agreeing to initiate divorce proceedings, but I don't want this divorce. She says we'll both be happier but I still feel like I haven't done enough. I'll come out with $474,000 in assets (a little more than 50%) and I'll feel empty and miserable. My wife is also incredible beautiful, and successful, and just a great person. Unfortunately, I said horrible things about her to her friends and family and did so much damage.
Full Disclosure: I'm Jewish and my wife is Chinese. She came here at 6 years old and is tough as nails. Nothing rattles her confidence and I'm a histrionic kid from suburban Detroit, but we live in LA.
I am worried I will be one of the ones that divorce busters can't fix. I've been a real [censored] and I don't deserve her. Prove me wrong.
Whatever happens you will be co-parents to your children together for the rest of your lives, and it is critical to have a healthy and respectful relationship to be the best parents you can be. There are many betrayals and trust issues that also need to be addressed. I hope you do speak to a DB coach (and there are a couple I would suggest, because of the mental health issues). Your coach will give you a very specific plan to start working on, so that you can start healing this relationship. Traditional marriage therapy probably wouldn't be helpful, but your coach will be a fantastic resource on the best way to go forward in your relationship and in your own personal needs to be healthy. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Wow...there's a lot of tangled storylines here. We do not have to PROVE you wrong since it is your own M. We don't need to prove anything to you nor need your approval.
You need to decide TODAY, right now, whether you sincerely and truly want to save your M. If yes, then you need to make changes for your own benefit and make sure they are genuine. It took you a long time to get into this mess and it will take a while to get out of it.
As Karen says, the first important step is to show respect to your W and model healthy behaviors. You've made many, many mistakes and it is not any wonder that your W is really mad at you.
Your behaviors are troubling and you need to get a firm grip on them. Hitting your head hard on a table and having suicidal thoughts are very scary things to witness. What do you need to do to get them under control? It starts with you and only with you.
To get the benefits of DBing, it is recommended that you visit other people's threads and post in them so you'll get some responses back on your thread. Read, learn, and grow.
Ok help me understand this. After I agreed to a divorce, she agreed to go on a date night that I have been asking for for a while. She also got angry at me over something she's been asking me to do for a while and yelled at me in front of the kids. That means she still cares, right? Also, she claims to be one of the few women who can separate sex and love and says once our divorce is underway we can go back to having sex. Does that mean anything at all? She may just be lying to keep me cooperating but I don't know.
Yes, I'm getting weekly psychiatric and psychological treatment and I take anti-depressant medication and it seems to be working.
I did not tell her ILY at all in the last 24 hours nor did I touch her. I was still helpful and cordial but was did not call her "honey" I'm supposed to be the Ghost of Marriage future, right?
Ok help me understand this. After I agreed to a divorce, she agreed to go on a date night that I have been asking for for a while. She also got angry at me over something she's been asking me to do for a while and yelled at me in front of the kids. That means she still cares, right? Also, she claims to be one of the few women who can separate sex and love and says once our divorce is underway we can go back to having sex. Does that mean anything at all? She may just be lying to keep me cooperating but I don't know.
Yes, I'm getting weekly psychiatric and psychological treatment and I take anti-depressant medication and it seems to be working.
I did not tell her ILY at all in the last 24 hours nor did I touch her. I was still helpful and cordial but was did not call her "honey" I'm supposed to be the Ghost of Marriage future, right?
Actually, it was a non-event. I hired a celebrity lawyer, paid him the $5k retainer, and he's going to handle it.
Wife has promised me good sex as long as I sign the paperwork.
I'm DBing by going along with everything with an extra spring in my step. We have a complex property case that may take up to 18 months involving forensic accountants and over $1million in property, but it's all about the kids.
Hopefully she'll ask me why I'm cooperating?
"Why are you so happy, ***?" "Because I'm going to be single soon!"
That's how it's done, right?
When all this [censored] is done, either we will have reconciled or I will be mentally over my divorce, right?
She has basically said she is totally done. She is leaving me because... (lists a bunch of things and behaviors)
I started searching them and realized that I had an ADHD diagnosis in May that I completely laughed off. I read all the behaviors of an ADHD adult and I am doing 100% of them.
It's easily fixable with medication. Now I have to figure out how to convince her that I have changed.
She's moved on emotionally already but I have to keep DBing? Why?
