wife hardends heart-4

[LuckyLuke]

Two books about boundaries:

Boundaries

Your Perfect Right

Luke

[planet]

Two books about boundaries:

Boundaries

Your Perfect Right

Luke

Thank you. Will check them out.

[MrBond]

Yes she really doesn't care about how you feel right now and worse yet you willingly gave her everything. Is there anything that she would need from you?

[planet]

Nothing. I don't think she needs anything from me. She's dependent on me with document/letter writing, computers and gadgets but now has plenty of help from OM.

The only thing that she required help with something other than the kids was to speak to our contraction whom she don't like at all. Trivial, but she don't like speaking to someone she doesn't like.

Money. She seems to want more from me. It's not like she doesn't have any. The other day she asked if i would want to pay our kids new school term fee in full to which i'm going to give half.

Why do you ask this? There is nothing i need from her too other than of course a chance.

[planet]

typo "contraction"
should be "contractor".

We have 1 unresolved problem with the house. Water sips through the walls in one of the room when it rains.

[MrBond]

"Why do you ask this? There is nothing i need from her too other than of course a chance."

Because you gave her everything there is nothing she needs from you (mentally, physically, financially, etc.). But now your kids are caught in the middle and because you have nothing to bargain with, she won't go back to you.

What is something that you could offer her that the OM can't?

[planet]

Nothing. I don't think i could offer her anything that she can't find help from her friends and family.

There is a time when she needed me to care for the kids while she have to go out for an appointment. That's all. She only needs help with the kids.

Or maybe with some home electrical stuff and help with the security system which she could easily call an electrician or installers.

A long shot but I know she would feel much more secure if there's a man in the house especially at night. She did offer the guest room to me twice.

[adinva]

As 25 often says, no woman is unmoved by the father of her children interacting lovingly with them. (Weak paraphrase) i suggest putting your focus on moving forward with dignity and self esteem (akaGAL) and especially being the very best dad you can be.

If you look around you will see many women will endure a lot to get away from a bad marriage. They almost always suffer financially, they have to fend for themselves somehow with contractors and bills, and they dig in their heels and do what it takes not to go back to "that guy," whether they have a new guy or not.

So give up any thought that your marriage might hinge on your w's preference for you to deal with contractors. This and the similar "needs" you are discussing are nothing a woman would choose to rebuild a marriage for.

Hold your head up and love on your kids. Meet their needs and let W go for now.

[AnotherStander]

Planet, your sitch is still pretty young. Don't get discouraged yet. And don't convince yourself that you've got nothing to offer your W, she was attracted to you enough to marry you so get back in touch with that guy she fell in love with 6+ years ago. There's a book called Married Man Sex Life Primer that can be crude, but does help men to get back in touch with what makes us men- our alpha qualities. It might help you to read it. One of the things he talks about in the book is your wife married you, so that automatically gives you a leg up on the competition because clearly you are someone she found very attractive in the past. You need to be THAT guy again, not the sad, desperate, clingy LBS that so many of us are after BD.

[planet]

Mr.Bond,
I felt like an idiot thinking of wanting some form of clarification from W. I KNOW I'm setting myself up for some blurry answers which will confuse me even further. Descending into an emotional wreck later on.

I've thought long and hard on boundaries. I can only set up rules for myself. I should firm up and not let her dictate how things should be. It's W wish who she wants invited and who aren't. I just have to deal with that my own way and i shouldn't be bothered with what she does or does not.

It is not my intention to go back to my old self. I realized that I don't need W around. I can take care of my kids alone. I enjoy my time alone with them and i'm very sure they do too. Also, I don't have to depend on anyone for my own happiness.
That is what scares me. I don't need W. How shall i go on from here?

adinva,
I understand.
Be the best dad my kids would love and respect.

AnotherStander,
That is the very first book i read after BD and yes it is crude. It's almost all about his sex romps with his wife.
The book also mentions about balancing alpha and beta qualities.
I don't know why she married me. I don't even know what she sees in me.
I think i'm essentially the same person the first time we met and right before BD.
I have drop 'desperate' and 'clingy' after I got his forum and DR. I'm working on dropping being 'sad' completely.


I have reached another destination in my journey. And now, would everyone please alight from my roller-coaster.:)