Wow, it's like they can sense when we're out having a good time without them! H called this morning - right after I'd written about what a good day S and I had yesterday. He sounded miserable.
Him: "How are you?"
Me: "I'm great!" And you?"
Him: "Um...not so good. Really tired. I haven't been able to sleep very well for a while. I might have to get something OTC to help."
Me: "I'm sorry to hear that."
Him: "Thanks. What are you doing tomorrow?"
Me: "I have to work."
Him: "Oh. I thought you have Mondays off?"
Me: "Yeah, I had to switch days because we are going out of town next weekend. I'm taking S to the symphony."
Him: "Oh, that's next weekend?"
Me: "Yep, we're really looking forward to it. It should be a great weekend!"
Him: "Well, I'll talk to my staff, and try to take an early night another day next week so maybe I can see you guys. Or just you, if you want?"
Me: "Sounds good. Just give me a call, and let me know."
I think I handled that well? We discussed a couple of other things. He has taken a bit of money from the last two paychecks, so I asked him if he needed to make that a regular thing. That it was fine if he did, just give me an amount so that I could readjust my budget. He said no, he just owed his friend some money and he had to replace his lost phone. He said he didn't want to take money, because he wants to make sure I can pay all the bills. I told him that I was fine, and that he should take some. I told him that he was working very hard, and that he deserved to have some money. Also told him how much I appreciated that he was making sure I was okay financially. Yay, validation!
I just realized today that it has been nearly a month since I cried about H and our sitch. Not saying it won't happen again, but right now I feel at peace - with myself, and with H's journey. Keeping busy and active has really helped. I've been really focused on trying to do things with S - I hope that it is helping him, too. Taking care of myself and regular exercise has helped boost my confidence. I feel attractive, good about myself. And that has made a huge difference in how I'm being perceived - I've noticed a lot more male attention in the past few weeks. Not that I'm looking for anything, as far as that goes. But it's nice to be noticed again.
Great attitude pw! That is what counts the most right now is spending time with your family and enjoying those precious moments. They don't last long enough! I find myself wishing H could enjoy family moments too, but it's his loss.
I'm glad to see you are doing well at the moment. It's good to see some cheer on here.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement! I'm new at all this, and still feeling my way around, ya know? H definitely seems to be pushing and pulling. He will go for days without calling, then he calls out of the blue and wants to see us, then I won't hear from him again for days...wash, rinse, repeat.
jbm: I hate to leave my mom hanging like that, but I can try. She is one of the few people that knows everything that's going on (and has been my rock), so I know she will be understanding. H didn't mention anything about Christmas when we talked Sunday, and I'm sure he hasn't forgotten that I asked. So you're probably right, and he just doesn't want to think about it.
Oh, and jbm, I'm glad to hear that you and H are doing well! I read your story, and you've had a crazy ride, and put in a lot of hard work.
If you all don't see these replies for a few days, I apologize. I'm checking in and replying everyday, but still new and on moderation. It's taking a crazy long time for my posts to show up - some of them have taken 4 or 5 days!
So, I took S to his first counseling session today. It was...difficult. On the plus side of things, I think it was cathartic in some ways. I got a real sense of just how unhappy S is, and has been for a while. And he talked some to me after we left. But he really wouldn't talk enough in the session to start getting at the root of things. On the negative side, when the counselor started talking about hospitalization, we both noped right out of there. Look, I know S is depressed, but I have NEVER felt that he was suicidal - not even after all the painful stuff he had to go through today. I'm not even sure it is all psychological, tbh. His depression really seemed to start when he hit puberty, and this may be mostly a chemical imbalance. I'm considering trying to get him on anti-depressants, and see if medication will make some improvements. Seriously, I couldn't believe this guy wanted to stick my kid in a hospital after talking to him for 45 minutes!
You know, in reading other people's threads here, I have realized that I've been lucky (so far) in one aspect : H has never once had harsh words for me, or blamed me for anything, or been nasty to me. Doesn't mean he hasn't thought those things, but he's never been ugly to me. The worst that he has done is pulling away and distancing. He has had harsh words for himself - the last time we saw each other, he told me that he didn't feel good about himself, and that he didn't think he was a good person. He just seems extremely confused and depressed right now, and while this whole situation has made me feel angry, hurt and frustrated, H's demeanor right now just makes me feel sad for him.
Now, a question for the panel : What, if anything, do I tell H about S's depression? I feel that, as S's father, he should be made aware of the problems S is having right now. Also, he might get angry if I don't inform him of something this important. But, I also know that, in the state he's in right now, he doesn't want to deal with family problems, and this might push him further into the tunnel.
My two cents worth: you should tell him that your son is seeing a counselor for the depression. If he then wants to know more, then that will be up to you: allow him to talk to son himself, or tell your H to come along to a session with you.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
: What, if anything, do I tell H about S's depression? I feel that, as S's father, he should be made aware of the problems S is having right now. Also, he might get angry if I don't inform him of something this important. But, I also know that, in the state he's in right now, he doesn't want to deal with family problems, and this might push him further into the tunnel.