Becoming Patient Man III - Moving Forward

[PatientMan]

Well this is a bit of a bummer. The depression symptoms are starting to come back again. I can understand why this happened with how much has been going on lately (final exams, moving this past weekend, finally going to the bank and taking her off of what are now my accounts, living/sleeping in the old - and very empty feeling - house we lived in for four years), I'm just a little surprised is all...thought I was past this stuff.

I'm keeping busy, and I'm doing what I normally do to keep myself from slipping too far. Doing all of my healthy habits, even when I don't feel like it, so I don't push myself farther down with negative thoughts and self-blame.

-PM

[Pudmuddle]

Sorry to hear that PM. You have had lots going on so it is probably part of the calm after the storm type of thing. It is that time of year where we get less sunshine too.

Hang in there, take some vitamin D's!

[PatientMan]

Thanks, Pudmuddle. (I do take D3 every day.)

Anyone have any advice on how to handle telling the kids about the divorce? I already have my own thoughts on how to handle it, I just figured it couldn't hurt to ask for different opinions/perspectives.

Thanks.

-PM

[jp787]

Anyone have any advice on how to handle telling the kids about the divorce? I already have my own thoughts on how to handle it, I just figured it couldn't hurt to ask for different opinions/perspectives.

Thanks.

-PM

My thoughts.

Talk with W first and discuss and agree on what needs and doesn't need to be said.

Get everyone (D3?) together in a safe place, living room?

Talk to D3 separate due to age?

Ok, PM this is what happened when W and I told our kids about us separating and her moving out.

W and I did not talk everything through before hand, thus the advice to do that.

We called the kids to the living room and said we need to have a family discussion, they for the most part knew.

W and I took turns talking, mostly I let W talk until I felt it was right for me to.

Ok here is the parts that might help.

One D shut down, got quiet and sat there. The other D cried and got up and walked out the door, to take a walk. So even though you plan this out, it may not go as planned and you might have to reschedule or pick it up later.

Later that night we regrouped and D15 tried to leave again We said you can go after we discuss this, as it needs to happen.

We discussed what we needed and opened it up for questions and emotions, anything was fair to say or do (minus physically hurting someone).

D17 didnt say a word, she ended up talking a little later, a few days later.

D15 cried, screamed, made it about her, how hard it would be on her.

We listened and validated.

Both D's were in IC at the time and we suggested that they talk there about that or anything, as always.

I guess make sure you make it about them and not you, I can't imagine you would.

Don't expect anything and be ready for anything.

Some people react on impulse and some hold it in.

We reassured them that this was a Mom and Dad thing, nothing that they did. We told them either of us would always be available to talk.

I have no doubt you will do this with grace and dignity. Just be ready for some sadness after, have a plan to be there for the kids AND something for you!

[PatientMan]

We had the separation talk 18 months ago when I moved out. The girls did really well, but it was framed in more of "sometimes friends need to spend some time apart" instead of anything final being mentioned. I don't expect them to take it so well this time.

I need to talk with XW beforehand to ensure she doesn't use language like "your dad and I thought this would be best" or "WE decided", because that isn't the truth. I'm not looking to make her out to be the enemy here, I just don't want to lie to the kids, so I want to avoid statements like that so I don't feel compelled to correct her.

Of course we will reenforce that this has nothing to do with them and was in no way their fault. That we are still their parents and love them very much.

There likely won't be very much change in the near future, but I don't think that's permanent. XW and I still have an extremely weird dynamic where boundaries aren't what they should be and it can't last forever this way. My guess of the furthest out stopping point of this type of relationship is when one of us starts dating another, because our relationship would be inappropriate.

Wife was visibly upset when we went to the bank to remove her from my accounts. She is frequently temperature checking me - things like playfully nudging me with her foot to get a response from me when I'm not fully engaged with her.

Sorry, I've ventured off into the dynamic of XW and I. It's very complicated and ultimately stressful. Neither one of us wants to fully push the other one aside for good, but we're not in a place to move a R forward either.

Blah, so much to type. I'm just scratching the surface. It's so complicated.

-PM

[jp787]

PM - Sorry I had to look back, but your D was finalized in the beginning of June '13?

[PatientMan]

Correct.

[jp787]

Will you tell them when it happened and do any of them know?

[JayMan]

I think it's really odd you actually finalized your divorce without telling the kids.

When we talked to kids, I simply said, "W has decided to proceed with divorce, and it'll probably be finalized in 6 months or so. Here's what's going to happen, etc, we love you very much."

I wasn't like "W is a witch, and is too selfish to see past her own nastiness".

[PatientMan]

Will you tell them when it happened

No, I don't see a need to.

and do any of them know?

Maybe the older two. Kids are perceptive regardless, but I accidentally left a book out at my place that had the word "divorce" in the title, so I'm sure if they saw it before I noticed it was out and put it away, then they gave their suspicions. With the way XW and I get along, I'm not so sure, though.

-PM