Note: This is not really M related... but it sort of is in some ways.
So I found out I'm having a boy. I'm not exactly thrilled.
Yes, I know plenty of people cannot have children who so desperately want them. Yes, I know plenty of boys who are perfectly sweet and smart and turn out to be successful, good men. Yes, I know that I've already got my girl, so why complain.
It's different being a special education teacher. Everyone I've told has had the "oh, that's so much fun!" reaction.
Everyone, except my other SpEd friends. And then they all go "uhhhh a boy, huh?"
They know. They know the stats just like I do. It's not a coincidence that in the 4 years I've been at this school, between two self contained special education units, there have only been 4 girls. There's only one girl this year with 11 boys.
My particularly sketchy history with men doesn't exactly help my situation. H f@cked up badly. My father f@cked up badly. My stepbrother has f@cked up badly. Again, not to say that women don't. But I personally have not been burned by women like I have by men. Not even close. It also doesn't help that my FIL and BIL are complete sons of b!tches. So the thought of bringing another male so closely into my life terrifies me.
H does not understand my anxiety. My saddness. Even my close friends (again, unless they're in SpEd) don't get it. H has gotten downright angry with me. "Why even get pregnant then?" he'll say. Well, all actions come with potential risks and consequences. I do my best to narrow them. Hence why I refuse to have children past the age of 35. That's a way to narrow. I don't drink or smoke while pregnant (not that I've ever smoked). I have a doctor I trust and I take my prenatal vitamins. I eat as best I can (you know how that can go when you're pregnant).
But I very distinctly remember the sigh of relief when I heard my first was a girl. One less potential factor to raise risks of developmental issues.
1 in 54 boys will be diagnosed with autism. 1 in 252 girls. It's not exactly a level playing field.
It's just in my face every day. And every day H asks me if I'm excited about it being a boy yet.
No, I'll be excited when he's 2 and he's talking and there's no evidence of delays.
I can't even talk to him about it. I can't talk to anyone about it in person. I just start crying, and I hate crying in front of people. And, like I said, I really think only my SpEd people will get it.
I know that 1 in 54 means that 53 won't get autism. But that still doesn't make me any less frightened unfortunately (and arguably, I know what to do with a child with autism). I know statistics are not guarantees or promises. I can see the rational side to this.
But it's not the side that is governing my emotions unfortunately. And H simply does not know how to tolerate, much less support me, through this right now. And due to his anger about my feelings on this topic, in some ways I feel just alone in this pregnancy as I did in the first one.
