I'm sorry its taken me so long to read thru your threads. You have a lot of information to digest.
I may be off base here, and I apologize in advance. But first to the joint custody thing. Advina made some very strong points, and maybe its time to give your husband a 2 week trial with your son even. It would give him a perspective that he needs right now. It might be that its something that you need right now.
I understand that your son has needs, and your time with him has to be more of a regiment. Do you actually get much ME time? I see you keep, or at least try, busy. Are those times that your staying busy for the sake of keeping busy, or are they times that you actually get to let things go, address your needs?
Is there a time that you can just sit down and do NOTHING for anyone else but you? Say in an ideal situation, your husband took your son for the 2 weeks, and he's doing great. What would you do with that time? What could you do for yourself?
This is the part that I apologized in advance for.... You seem a bit angry or jealous that your husband has this life away from you and your son. I understand, your life is full of responsibility and don't get much of a break, if at all, and have limited resources to do much else. All the while you feel he's being unresponsible, driving his life into the ground, and if he'd just realize what he's missing out on. Instead he's just making excuse after excuse.
The problem with it all is, for now at least. You NEED to let him fall on his face. You NEED to rise to the occasion. Let him know his journey is HIS, and his alone. Your going to make your own, and be a better person for it. We may never get the reason "why", but holding yourself accountable, while letting him realize his own faults is part of the process. Giving yourself credit for the work your doing for yourself and your son is all it can be about right now. Including him in your life, reasons, situation is only going to further drag you down.
On the abuse thing, he can only be abusive if you allow it. Set up some boundries for youself. Decide what your willing to allow and decide when you've had enough. Stay resolute in your interactions. Don't let him dictate the interactions. Take a deep breath, relax a little, and know that your going to make it. You are going to gain some self respect, and send him a message at the same time.
Hang in there thou, its hardly over. Sounds like you have a firm grip on the rope with two hands, maybe let loose just a little.
So much of what your doing and saying is in response to his actions. The situation with your son, school,
