Working on me

[Not Quitting]

Glad you're feeling better today.

Your H is probably just trying to push your buttons. If anyone would know how to do that it would the one person you've spent the most time with.

Keep up the PMA

[adinva]

I've been through this same ringer, worrying about custody, and here's what my IC said that changed the paradigm for me:

"What does your son need?"

That is ALL and really ALL that should be considered. It's not does your H get the care money or do you, it's not are you a better parent or does he not deserve it, it's not is this a power play, it's nothing to do with your feelings about H or his about you.

For me, in fact, when I heard that question, it opened my eyes to thinking, really, what does my son need? Maybe he needs to know his dad wants him, maybe he needs time with his dad. Maybe he needs the structure of the military school his dad was thinking of. (Maybe not...but I was ruling out all of H's suggestions out of hand because I WANTED MY SON WITH ME and because I DESERVED MY SON and because I'M THE GOOD PARENT...none of which is about my son, they're all about me.

Reframing it about what your son needs MAY help you feel less outraged that your H is asking for some custody and the motivations you suspect (which may not be the case). Most of the dads on DB fight for custody or at least really want custody, and they're not all being greedy money grabbers.

Reframing it about your son makes it less personal between you and H. It becomes about documenting what your son needs (routine, structure, etc) and whether your H can or is willing to provide it. And if he can and is willing, are you open to considering that your son might need some time living with dad? Or are you ruling it out entirely because it's not what YOU want?

When you appear to be considering all possibilities, out of concern for your son, you will not put your H on the defensive and there's less chance of this being a fight between you and H about what you and H want.

Other topic: my H was/is verbally abusive to me too. I wondered why you listened to him on the phone on your nice day with mom? When he begins a threatening tone of voice or disrespectful words, could you practice politely telling him you're not going to listen to that, and ending the call? You will feel a surge of self esteem for having stood up for yourself.

Hang in there!

[TryingToDo180]

I agree NQ I think he's just trying to push my buttons, I don't think he's serious about joint custody at all!
I think it's an empty threat and I don't think he'll take it any further. He's just trying to bully me at the mo.
I know that my son needs a male influence in his life, but I do feel that H's flat is too small. My son needs routine because of his autism and I don't think that H is able to provide this. My H works for himself and as a result gets work when he can. My son will probably be left in the flat for most of the day on his own, just playing video games. His routine will be completely gone out of the window and my son won't be able to cope with this.
I know he is doing this for extra money Advina because he told me. He's struggling financially, he's bled his mum dry and is now trying dirty tactics to get some money out of me. He may treat his son ok, but wants joint custody for all the wrong reasons! I don't know how it will work with my benefits, but if H doesn't get any extra benefits then he'll struggle to look after my son. If he was really that bothered abut joint custody, he could spend more time with my son. He's got plenty of opportunities to spend time with him as we're over his town nearly every day because of college. I asked H if my son can come over to his for dinner on Weds because I'm at college until 8pm. He said no he cannot! Is that someone who seriously wants joint custody when he won't even have my son over for dinner once a week!
You're so right about why I let him talk to me like that when I was supposed to be having a nice day with my mum. I lack confidence when I talk to H and didn't even think about saying anything like that. I will next time, if I can be bothered to answer the phone to him that is! lol.

[Not Quitting]

If there's one thing that both of our H's haven't forgotten it's how to push our buttons. They've forgotten the best things about our Rs but remember that little tidbit. Go figure

[TryingToDo180]

I agree NQ lol.

[kelela]

180 I'm so sorry to hear what your H is doing to you please keep your head held high you are a strong and wonderful mother to your son. I will keep you in my thoughts and I'm sending you a real big hug from me. Take care and I'm here for you when you need me.
K

[TryingToDo180]

Thanks K Here's a big hug back

[FlyOnTheWall]

TTD180

I'm sorry its taken me so long to read thru your threads. You have a lot of information to digest.

I may be off base here, and I apologize in advance. But first to the joint custody thing. Advina made some very strong points, and maybe its time to give your husband a 2 week trial with your son even. It would give him a perspective that he needs right now. It might be that its something that you need right now.

I understand that your son has needs, and your time with him has to be more of a regiment. Do you actually get much ME time? I see you keep, or at least try, busy. Are those times that your staying busy for the sake of keeping busy, or are they times that you actually get to let things go, address your needs?

Is there a time that you can just sit down and do NOTHING for anyone else but you? Say in an ideal situation, your husband took your son for the 2 weeks, and he's doing great. What would you do with that time? What could you do for yourself?

This is the part that I apologized in advance for....
You seem a bit angry or jealous that your husband has this life away from you and your son. I understand, your life is full of responsibility and don't get much of a break, if at all, and have limited resources to do much else. All the while you feel he's being unresponsible, driving his life into the ground, and if he'd just realize what he's missing out on. Instead he's just making excuse after excuse.

The problem with it all is, for now at least. You NEED to let him fall on his face. You NEED to rise to the occasion. Let him know his journey is HIS, and his alone. Your going to make your own, and be a better person for it. We may never get the reason "why", but holding yourself accountable, while letting him realize his own faults is part of the process. Giving yourself credit for the work your doing for yourself and your son is all it can be about right now. Including him in your life, reasons, situation is only going to further drag you down.

On the abuse thing, he can only be abusive if you allow it. Set up some boundries for youself. Decide what your willing to allow and decide when you've had enough. Stay resolute in your interactions. Don't let him dictate the interactions. Take a deep breath, relax a little, and know that your going to make it.
You are going to gain some self respect, and send him a message at the same time.

Hang in there thou, its hardly over. Sounds like you have a firm grip on the rope with two hands, maybe let loose just a little.



So much of what your doing and saying is in response to his actions. The situation with your son, school,

[FlyOnTheWall]

hmm it got cut off, and I cant remember what the heck I was saying now. So disregard the last sentence.

[TryingToDo180]

TTD180

I'm sorry its taken me so long to read thru your threads. You have a lot of information to digest.

Thanks for reading through my thread flyonthewall

I may be off base here, and I apologize in advance. But first to the joint custody thing. Advina made some very strong points, and maybe its time to give your husband a 2 week trial with your son even. It would give him a perspective that he needs right now. It might be that its something that you need right now.

ok I'll give you my honest opinion about this. I don't trust my H to look after my son! I wouldn't be able to settle for the 2 weeks that my son is away. Maybe if me and my H had a better R, then I wouldn't think twice. As it is though I am not contacting him at all at the mo.

I understand that your son has needs, and your time with him has to be more of a regiment. Do you actually get much ME time? I see you keep, or at least try, busy. Are those times that your staying busy for the sake of keeping busy, or are they times that you actually get to let things go, address your needs?

He is not just my son, he's company for me. When he's away at college I don't know what to do with myself. I hate being in the house on my own and I have to go out at some point during the day. I was going to stay in all day last Thursday, but ended up getting agitated and had to go out. I choose to go out. I don't keep busy for the sake of being busy. I have two days off a week away from college and my son so I spend my time meeting up with friends and doing my weekly shop. I meet up with a friend for lunch as well occasionally, depending how much I've got to do that day. Saturday's is the time that me and my son go somewhere and Sunday is when he normally sees his Dad and I meet a friend for lunch. I do get me time away from my son and I'm happy having him here

Is there a time that you can just sit down and do NOTHING for anyone else but you? Say in an ideal situation, your husband took your son for the 2 weeks, and he's doing great. What would you do with that time? What could you do for yourself?

Ok this trust issue. I'm the one who's always organised my H and my son. If H took my son away for 2 weeks, I'd have to write down all his times and where he's got to be. H would have to ring me up as he gets confused and is forgetful. He has been to the doctors about this, but the doctor thinks it's just his depression and anxiety that's causing this.
What would I do with all that extra time? I don't need any extra time, I get a lot of time to myself at the mo I've looked after my son for so long now that it's the norm for me. Anything I want to do costs money that I've not got at the mo! I'd love to go and stay in a health spa, but that's one thind I can't do without any money.

This is the part that I apologized in advance for....
You seem a bit angry or jealous that your husband has this life away from you and your son.

I wouldn't say I'm jealous, but I certainly have been angry at him for walking out on our family and not trying to work out our problems. As is usually the case, he just walked out and said he'd had enough and you end up going "what the!..."

I understand, your life is full of responsibility and don't get much of a break, if at all, and have limited resources to do much else. All the while you feel he's being unresponsible, driving his life into the ground, and if he'd just realize what he's missing out on. Instead he's just making excuse after excuse.

True enough. When my H was living here, I was the one who ran the house. I was the one who reminded H to attend his appts. I was the one who found H work or courses or training to go on, If anything needed doing in the house, I was the one who had to make the phone calls. Now he's got to do it all by himself! I don't do anything anymore, though it's very hard to let go after so many years of looking after him and my son. My H suffers from depression and he's only recently decided to go on tablets and seek counselling. His depression brought me down with him and so now I'm depressed as well! I was a carer for both my son and my H, though now I feel unappreciated for all the years I've looked after H through his depression.

The problem with it all is, for now at least. You NEED to let him fall on his face. You NEED to rise to the occasion. Let him know his journey is HIS, and his alone. Your going to make your own, and be a better person for it. We may never get the reason "why", but holding yourself accountable, while letting him realize his own faults is part of the process. Giving yourself credit for the work your doing for yourself and your son is all it can be about right now. Including him in your life, reasons, situation is only going to further drag you down.

Yes I know this and I'm not going to try anymore. He is totally on his own now, even more so!

On the abuse thing, he can only be abusive if you allow it. Set up some boundries for youself. Decide what your willing to allow and decide when you've had enough. Stay resolute in your interactions. Don't let him dictate the interactions. Take a deep breath, relax a little, and know that your going to make it.
You are going to gain some self respect, and send him a message at the same time.

Well I'm going to be getting emotional and practical support soon from this women's group so hopefully they'll help me with my confidence, self esteem, self worth and assertiveness. I hope they can succeed where other groups have failed. I have been on loads of these courses before and I just need to go on one where it will all click into place!

Hang in there thou, its hardly over. Sounds like you have a firm grip on the rope with two hands, maybe let loose just a little.

When you first said I've got a firm grip on the rope, I thought I was doing something right there for a mo, lol. Then I thought, oh yes I'm supposed to let go a little, lol. I have been trying, I stopped telling him last week when he had new mail and he ended up having a go at me for that! I'll get there eventually, I'm sure
Thanks once again for your input fly