You may be facing times alone at home, but you are never alone. You are a post away from people who care, and offer great words if you really listen. You have a few of us you can contact day and night and get an ear willing to listen, along with a caring voice on the other end.
Don't be alone...you may have to reach out of your comfort zone and see who you have in your life. See that we came to visit you, to meet you, cause we care. You are a fascinating women and you may just have to embrace the fact that your life is changing.
It sux, yes, but there is no other cure for sux other than to get far away from it, especially out of your head. I'm the worst at change and having friends, but did I wake up from that around your table!
It's a feeling I will always carry with me and I hope to carry on into my home looking around at who I have, and those I have put aside because of his MLC, and those yet to come.
I hope you feel better today, it's not fun being sick, and it does make one think way too much!
Remember.....let it all go! I still carry it with me! Oh and...get my head outa his a$$, working hard on that one too. And my anger, jeez I sound like a mess.
Feel better! Don't be alone!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
you made me laugh and you sound okay to me. you've been thru a hell of alot- we all have- i need to get my head out too.
long time to be in there huh????? part of me hates knowing that i feel better when i hear his voice (still- yuck- ick - what the heck is the matter with me?????)
part of me realizes sometimes it's all in my head- what his presence adds to my mental well-being. it's just a "notion" of being loved and in love that i miss. objectively- my life is same as usual.
oh well- neurosis - wonderful isn't it?
have a great day- i'm outta here- chop those drn rose of sharon and get them done if it kills me.
Ya know Nero, after talking to you you gave some different things to think about. I really enjoy sometimes just hear what can't be written.
I keep thinking of the "illness" factor, and how much have I come to terms with that. I think I have given it all the understanding I can give to something that is ruining my life at the same time.
It's that whole, but he's not only hurting himself, there is a part of me that has been taken down because of him. If he was not trying to bash me and all we were as a couple those first few months of MLC, and only attacking himself maybe I wouldn't be left with the " FU" factor.
But hey, misery loves company, and in MLC misery seems to love miserable company, and that's not me, he can't relate to me, that's a complement. He can't relate to my good nature. I don't want to relate to him!
Good for me for not being able to relate to someone off their rocker!
I hope you had a good walk, I really need to work out! I spent the night sniffing baby head and neck, really, they need to bottle that!
I hope you feel better! Oooxxxx dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
okay- admission- this got long & i ended up "losing my way" somewhere down at the bottom- read at your own peril....
THANK YOU AND DRIVE THRU PLEASE...
yeah- it's really good to say things out loud and hear yourself sometimes too -isn't it???
i know- things that can't be written - i sure need to clean up my language, don't I???
Now that i'm here- i don't know why im thinking aobut this- i guess it's every time someone says here to me- do something nice for yourself- i think of some old ratty beat up gladiator in a big big battle - (and takin a beating & lookin like death warmed up) all slashed & tattered - and i can't think of anything that will "help" or "fix anything" - other than some how thinking what got you fighting in the first place might still hold water. that gut thing- the little "value" or reason. that stupid little voice that said - don't hand it over without a fight.
i admit- it might be fading - idk if you can actually kill love dead - maybe ya can. if i have it still- it's not lookin the same to me rite now. anyway- i guess i'm thinking maybe it takes many forms and it might be worth re-inspecting & questioning my own values & objectivity & "rightness" about everything i've always thought & felt & assumed )
i like/hate this about me- willingness to consider my own values & judgements)
(that is what makes me sane i think (- or insane...)
i HAD TO COME BACK UP from the bottom down there- what i actually came here to say was - when this allll began- ALLLLLLL THAT TIME AGO - MY initial responses to the absolute stomach-turning - disgust & horror of confronting the treason - was ( no kidding- not a word of it a lie) "SO WHATTYA GONNA DO- LAY DOWN & DIE AND HAND OVER YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO SOMEONE ELSE????? ARE YA JUST GONNA TIE IT UP WITH A BOW AND MAKE IT SOOOOOO EASY for someone to walk up & into your life AND TAKE IT???? some stupid ow? ARE YA?????
ME REPLYING -" HELL NO.....F her & f him, i am not just wimpering away and laying down & dying. ..... why the heck should i "get lost" from my life, why the heck should i go sleep at someone's house and lose a nite sleep somewhere else????? why the heck would i GO without a fight out of something that's been my LIFE for 36 years????? IT'S MY LIFE TOO -"
i have no idea why it seems to matter now- alllll this time later or if it still applies - maybe it does????
I get totally your "fu" factor. i've got it too. who knows- maybe that's the "detach" they keep telling us to get and we're just crude , inarticulate women - and then it comes out as "fu" man. cutting out allllll those "middlemen" words - cut rite to the chase.
idk dawn- i've been mulling over our conversation too. when i admit (defeat?) by the insanity factor - or that ever "understanding" h's brain is totally beyond my reach due to it (insanity) - it doesn't actually help anything.
I AM really able to see him/it as "insanity" of some sort - and let go the trying to fix it somehow. i don't think i have any real expectations of him "changing" back miraculously. I guess i'm sort of where you've gotten to of figuring out that this new person is just someone i do not know. ( and AM NOT SO SURE IF I WANT to know all the way - or have an R with.)
it's the HUGE PROBLEM WITH INSANITY - IMHO- once you don't get to apply logic & reason (which one DOES NOT) - there is just no real way to know what you're dealing with & if it ever recedes? and then, of course, if it ever comes back.
it just becomes part of the insanee's being- and we who know about it- are stuck always wondering which part is which . what the heck ya do with that knowledge - idk. (my couple bouts with serious insanity in friend & sis).
since he's not in my face all the time- i guess i have time to figure it out - EXCEPT IT'S stressing up my life alot i think and i keep thinking life is short- is this how you want to spend time. answer being currently - - - i'm doing EXACTLY what i'd be doing if i were free - really - EXCEPT i'd be worrying about something entirely differnt= how the heck to pay my bills & find my way into a new life & maybe a new R.
honestly- even as crippled as this R is, to me still it's some sort of (either) rock or security blanket. idk- icky to admit about self- but hey- can't i blame it on my dad dying too young? or something like that, you know, really OFFICIAL????????
some how he'll have to show me things in this person that are worthwhile, etc. some how (for some reason) he keeps bothering to come around me- idk why really.
(THAT ALL still doesn't cut whatever little thread he & I seem to be bound by (well, cut it all the way, & yet).)
i still end up being in a place that is not all "at peace" . Reaching the end of my particular rope with the understanding, analysing , "trying" aspect of this R - there's still something of the old "attachment" to the old person that is hanging me up. I'M EVEN WILLING to admit that the attachment might just be my brain hanging on to my OLD FAVORITE ADDICTION OF "being in love" and "feeling loved & crucial to someone's life". how the heck a gal figures out if that is REAL OR NOT- that's the snaggle. Look at them- nuts. look at me - maybe my own version of "nuts" too.
rite? HOWEVER- THE WHOLE notion of love and romance forever , which i'm kind of a fan of - is probably an unsustainable state of being (in general- in life- in reality). I don't like particularly, being forced to examine this part of my own "reality" - and find it (maybe) unrealistic.
As i say this- and even think 62 and just reaching a place of "end of innocence" - i'm thinking - holy cow & cripes..... were ya EVER going to wake up and grow up? i'm still not sure if this has to be true. i see long long r all around me with my friends- they manage to stay attached. there's SOMETHING binding them - and it's important to them & their lives. it is possible (it would seem).
because i do not have kids - of course i always think it's that- the thing that holds ya. of course also- it's probably not true and tons of people with kids are in this forum experienceing the same darn junk.
OKAY- i'm all twirled into a hole - so i'd better go find something to wear to work and get lost.
see what happens when i think/talk???? have a great day & hope it's okay. go walk- it's all i have- burn it off - volunteer or something to get you out of house and around people so you spend 9 or 10 hours out and TOTALLY NOT THINKING aoubt it all AT ALL. NO KIDDING - YOU NEED a mental vacation- more than just a couple days- the working thing makes it not exist while i'm away & busy- seriously.
yeah- i know, i HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY Do this or do that- just a kindly suggeston of what's helpign me ALOT rite now....
I hope you enjoy you next few days. It's sounds very fun. At least he wants to do things like that still. Like your what, good ole pals. I'm not even very friendly with my H anymore.
He seems to have taken 2 steps back into his little cozy tunnel where he doesn't have to face reality, and life is at his command.
Oh, someone I used to know, right!
We could all use a vacation. Hope yours turns well.
dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
yeah - rite - could you please explain what the heck s-e-x is? thanks alot- talk about something you usd to remember-
duhhhhhhh
it was a nice nice trip - pretty leaves & towns and fun to travel - hang out, etc. how this guy spends time with me and likes it- and then tra las off to ow, etc. - well, honestly - - - - idk- i will never "get this" i guess. lost cause to evwen try.
in his universse apparently - somehow & smetiems - anthing about me is not worth keeping if it costs hiimhis ow and his "NEW LIFE" THAT Is so enthralling-
-
i would like sinmcerely to let go of the whole "gotta understand" thing in life.
at 62 years of age- i find out not only do i not understand (really) almost everyone i know- i've been on a totally wrong trail in life - in general - i think, across thew board.
this could either be "freeing" or something else. i'm not sure what. it's not torturie- because i'm traiNING MYSELf to just keep saying "i do not care" and i'm believing it alot of the time, well, maybe half.
i guess it wouldn't all wake me up in the nite if i didn't- but for the days- i mostly manage to just shove it somewhere in my mind and go on with my life more and more "outside" of the mlc world.
i'm leting it all and my mother make me too nuts- i do not want to become her- bitter- rantie- selfcentered-
well, her and alot of people- blame blame blame-
i'm letting myself i guess - i need to rein me in.
you are soundin rather detached and on some new plain out there - in your own thread. i hope you're feelin okay- and oding okay.
it is nice to chat person to person- different slant on things.
i can relate alot to you because of the age & lonevity facor. it just does count for alot. our attituted - WHO WE feel we are (h being a bigh part of w ho we are).
it could sound soooo nice in another contexty, in another world (you know- the world we thought we knew & HAD) AND IT can sound so cheesy here in this new mlc reality.
oh well huh??? blending those darn worlds - guess it's been like this since time began.
me- trying for philosophical todaY. COLD IS BACK - head is stuffed-
hey- i didn't know i submitted the above- oh well huh.
crazy fingers. i hope you're doing okay. it's rough- this craPPOLA. I have nothing wise to offer today- just hang on- to your marbles, to linda - to yourself, whstever.
i think it's all we have right now. maybe forever-
how or why he could or would take a trip with me- have anice time- even stinking bother to see my face - hear my voice - all the while assuring himself & me he wants less of me in his life and won't die if i disappear tomorrow (but doesn't actually wish i were dead or ghone?!!) wtf??? right up there with he's "living alonwe" while HE'S seeing ow- lying and cheating like mad- on the phonje with her -= what? nite & day- etc. what a blind jerk- wonder if just knowing how deluded &nutball he is will be sooooo unfglattering that it makes my caring for him allllll disappear i the end. i know, trying to avoid judgement- kind of hard. like a big bih consstant billboard n his head flashing- i'm quite adeluded jerk - i'm quite a jerk - oh wellhuh.
i do stop frequently to mull over how fortunate i've been and felt in life (alot of the time when i wasn't, but didn't know it) i find myself even grateful for the times of stupidity when i only THOUGHT i was happy and lucky- (and realy wasn't).
i know perspective is everything- i'd like to get back to that good ole happy &lucky outlook. i still feel like my life is more fortunate than most- can't flesh it out- just a notion. objectively speaking- it's quite a giant mess.
subjectively-= i can still find good in me, it, h, etc.
where it all ends up is a crapshoot apparently- and i am not at all a gambling womAN. this man taking a chance on me clearing entirwely out of his existence- brick by brick he's tearing down this good old sturdy "wall" of a life we had together. here's me on he sideline just watching, watching - .
i would seem to be powerless to halt him- just ridin along here.
sad - isn't it? what people do to self, each other, another, so on.
makes me wonder who & if i've destroyed someone- little by little - on purpose without knowing or caring. don't like to think it- wonder if it could be?
back in my mire of self- examination. overthinking universe- r- self- etc. i DO need to stfu- and stay with it. fell off truck yesterday-
i swear tho- sometimes i don't even care what sort of exchange it is- just something beyond light banter & bs. i'm soooo sick of superficial bs. i know it's better than awful spew- HOWEVER- IT'S soooo tiring- acting like i don't care- acting like it's allll okay- acting acting acting. so much for the man i felel in love with who said all i ever had to do wsjust beself- no demands, no changes, etc. yeah- rite huh?????
oh well- i know- detach, gal, etc. sos huh?
i'm outtta here-=
need to go rake- plant some roses i got- and so on. get on with it all- life, work on that huh? ope your day is okay and you're okay. how're the eyes doing?
Back from your trip I see. It's getting to be about that time where we close all the windows and put the garden away for another yr. Yuck!
I'm feeling a little ho hum, 'been here done this'' to many times already. I know the cold always affects me, this is when you look forward to that warm person next to you.
I live with a great roommate. He cooks, cleans, keeps to himself and always says thank you as if he just made purchase from a clerk. Yup, that's my R, the other perk is his rent is the total of my bills, how about that. My H, the roommate I never wanted.
Still working on that career on hold. But, I have gotten better at going out and talking to people. It can get a little addictive. I like it.
What are your plans for the next few months? How did your H treat you. Great full paying roommate, BBF's, or any sign of returning home?
Hope your good, you sound strong!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Although just being together on a trip was probably nice!