Wife moved out, won't come back home

[newton0]

Interesting that you all say 'unwanted' PDA is off-putting (of course it is), but since I took the initiative, she has responded in kind.

We've been out on several dates & had wonderful times holding hands, each other & making out, but she won't come home. She says we'll talk, but we never do, and I have given up asking her because it only seems to push her away. She will not tell me what she wants or doesn't want. Some days she's down & reaching out to me, other days she doesn't contact me at all.

I had a party last weekend and asked if she could help out. She willingly obliged, and helped make the party a smashing success. I went out of my way to tell her that & show her my appreciation & we made-out, but she would not stay the night. Then I don't hear from her for days. She also cried because I took down her pictures - yet she is the one that won't come home?!?!

I found out that since she left, she is not entitled to reenter the home without my express permission here in NC. I'm thinking about letting her know that to hopefully shock her out of whatever bubble she is in & get her to do something. However that just seems to always backfire & send the 'wrong;' message whatever that is.

6 weeks no & we still have not had any meaningful talk about the future despite going on many dates where she shows me affection without being asked.

I'm trying to detach & leave her alone but it is a very frustrating space to be in. On one hand, I want to get on with my life, and on the other, I'm stuck in limbo.

I'm seeing our therapist tomorrow for the first time in several weeks (she was on vacation), so we'll see what she has to say about all of this.

To those saying I'm not working on myself; I am indeed. It is difficult when your wife won't articulate what it is she wants to see changed/different. I know nothing about her current mindset at the moment.

I think I'll just leave her alone...

[MrBond]

"Interesting that you all say 'unwanted' PDA is off-putting (of course it is), but since I took the initiative, she has responded in kind."

I don't know where you still think it was a positive thing. She hasn't talked to you yet right? She hasn't moved back right? Your W could be using the sex as a validation thing. Doesn't mean she wants to be with you.

I don't think that's what you fully understand.

[adinva]

I disagree. I mean, i'm still offended on her behalf over forcing her to kiss you in front of the MC, and I find it annoying that you are still insisting you're right. And i dont know if its a straight line from that action to her current behavior as you suggest but whatever, i'm not inside her head...

But i disagree that theres no progress. Those positive interactions are good. No one should expect a was to jump in line and come back home after a couple of positive experiences. Rather, from what you often see here, expect some distancing after closeness, and expect a marathon, not a sprint.

She sounds confused. If you dont have her inout on what you can improve, do your own personal inventory on what you wish you were better at in your marriage, what you would do differently if you had it to do over. What do you think might make her think marriage to you might be different and better than before?

If youre completely stumped, try working on communication, most people are worse at it than they think.

[adinva]

inout = input

[Breakdown]

Still around.

Eating crow.

Apologies for emotionally charged rant.

Too embarrassed to post.

I think this happens to a lot of us, and most of the time, the good folks here are happy to oblige with a 2x4 or three. You've gotten a handful for sure...but dig into the comments. Read and re-read them.....and really think about what is being said. Challenge yourself to see things from the other side. Challenge yourself to shake off your natural thoughts and tendencies and see things as they are.

To those saying I'm not working on myself; I am indeed. It is difficult when your wife won't articulate what it is she wants to see changed/different. I know nothing about her current mindset at the moment.

I disagree. I think you have all information you need.

You are looking at this as if you do X, your wife will come back. The only way that formula works is if x = change who you are. It's not a simple action, or something you say.

[AnotherStander]

We've been out on several dates & had wonderful times holding hands, each other & making out, but she won't come home. She says we'll talk, but we never do, and I have given up asking her because it only seems to push her away. She will not tell me what she wants or doesn't want. Some days she's down & reaching out to me, other days she doesn't contact me at all.

I'm going to lay my patented "WAS storm" analogy on you. WAS's can appear quite calm and collected on the outside, but inside there is a raging storm with black clouds, shrieking winds and crashing waves. It's violent and scary in there, like standing in the middle of a tornado with debris spinning around you. Out of that violent storm of emotions comes the WAS's words and actions. The LBS doesn't see the storm at all, they see this calm facade with strange words and actions coming out that they don't understand. So they keep asking "why?" Why does she say this? Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just come home? Why does she act loving one day and distant the next? But if you stepped into that storm for a moment, you'd quit asking why. Once you see the storm you understand why the words and actions don't make sense. There is no logic and reason in that storm. There is no negotiating with that storm. That storm just "is". It's real, and it'll be there for quite some time. All YOU can do is give your W time and space and wait for the storm to dissipate.

I found out that since she left, she is not entitled to reenter the home without my express permission here in NC. I'm thinking about letting her know that to hopefully shock her out of whatever bubble she is in & get her to do something. However that just seems to always backfire & send the 'wrong;' message whatever that is.

I agree that it's likely to backfire. If you need to do it for YOU, to help you move on or detach, that's one thing. But if you're trying to shock her out of it, it's doubtful it will help and it's likely it will hurt your sitch (will cause anger and resentment).

6 weeks no & we still have not had any meaningful talk about the future despite going on many dates where she shows me affection without being asked.

She will approach you about that talk when she's ready. She's on her timeline, not yours. You need to respect her timeline. It's a lot longer than you want it to be.

It is difficult when your wife won't articulate what it is she wants to see changed/different.

Think back months and years about what she has complained about. It's very likely that she has already told you, but you (like most of us) perceived it as nagging and didn't address it.

[Breakdown]

I found out that since she left, she is not entitled to reenter the home without my express permission here in NC. I'm thinking about letting her know that to hopefully shock her out of whatever bubble she is in & get her to do something. However that just seems to always backfire & send the 'wrong;' message whatever that is.

I agree that it's likely to backfire. If you need to do it for YOU, to help you move on or detach, that's one thing. But if you're trying to shock her out of it, it's doubtful it will help and it's likely it will hurt your sitch (will cause anger and resentment).

I wanted to comment on that piece as well. Don't you think that is more of the same? What would be the 180 here?

[Spartan]

To those saying I'm not working on myself; I am indeed. It is difficult when your wife won't articulate what it is she wants to see changed/different. I know nothing about her current mindset at the moment.

BD commented on this line but I have to also. So your W won't tell you what she wants changed...does that mean you don't know things you would like to improve about yourself? I'm pretty sure, like all of us, you could easily come up with a list of things you feel you could be better at. Work on those.

It's more important for you to become the person you want to be rather than the person your W wants you to be. Because if it isn't who you want to be it's fake and it won't last...

[AnotherStander]

I wanted to comment on that piece as well. Don't you think that is more of the same? What would be the 180 here?

You could be right, I guess what I was trying to say is that I'm concerned he will do it to try and "shock" his wife out of it (as he said), but if it doesn't work he may reverse course and let her come and go as she pleases again. Maybe I'm thinking that because it's EXACTLY what I did, LOL! I told W not to come in the house, that she needed to either knock and wait for me to open the door or call from the driveway. I think deep inside I was hoping it would snap her out of it and make her miss me and our home. The problem was it never did make sense logistically because she has to let herself in to get the kids ready for school after I've already left for work. And sometimes when I was there she would knock and I wouldn't hear it, so she was stuck waiting and knocking and waiting. So she went to knocking and then letting herself in, and then just letting herself in again. It just wasn't a well-thought-out boundary on my part!

[lovethehub]

DJ,

Have you had a chance to read the books? I found DR more helpful and easier to read but they are both great resources. It may help you with your confusion on why she is kissing you but won't do anything else, why this will take a while and, most importantly, what you need to do in the meantime.