I've been through this same ringer, worrying about custody, and here's what my IC said that changed the paradigm for me:
"What does your son need?"
That is ALL and really ALL that should be considered. It's not does your H get the care money or do you, it's not are you a better parent or does he not deserve it, it's not is this a power play, it's nothing to do with your feelings about H or his about you.
For me, in fact, when I heard that question, it opened my eyes to thinking, really, what does my son need? Maybe he needs to know his dad wants him, maybe he needs time with his dad. Maybe he needs the structure of the military school his dad was thinking of. (Maybe not...but I was ruling out all of H's suggestions out of hand because I WANTED MY SON WITH ME and because I DESERVED MY SON and because I'M THE GOOD PARENT...none of which is about my son, they're all about me.
Reframing it about what your son needs MAY help you feel less outraged that your H is asking for some custody and the motivations you suspect (which may not be the case). Most of the dads on DB fight for custody or at least really want custody, and they're not all being greedy money grabbers.
Reframing it about your son makes it less personal between you and H. It becomes about documenting what your son needs (routine, structure, etc) and whether your H can or is willing to provide it. And if he can and is willing, are you open to considering that your son might need some time living with dad? Or are you ruling it out entirely because it's not what YOU want?
When you appear to be considering all possibilities, out of concern for your son, you will not put your H on the defensive and there's less chance of this being a fight between you and H about what you and H want.
Other topic: my H was/is verbally abusive to me too. I wondered why you listened to him on the phone on your nice day with mom? When he begins a threatening tone of voice or disrespectful words, could you practice politely telling him you're not going to listen to that, and ending the call? You will feel a surge of self esteem for having stood up for yourself.
Hang in there!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
