Digging In 2

[Feenix]

JonF, just caught up on your weekend. I don't have much to add or any amazing advice. Sounds like your W is like my H, right now.... pretty much all over the place.

I agree with others... You're not done yet. Keep working on you. Like me, I bet you have a lot of work to do on finding out who YOU are. Focus on you!

See how I tell you what to do when I am having such a hard time doing it myself? Lol.

[JayMan]

Sheesh, I said I wasn't gonna post for awhile, but here I am! Can't keep away from the awesome folks on here!

Current status: W still is not wanting divorce, but still doesn't know what to do. I told her last time that I didn't know either, that I wasn't sure there was anything I could say or do that I hadn't already said and done.

I took the advice of those on here and actually pushed BACK. She had texted a few times about some stuff, almost like she was asking ME on what to do, and I said, "It sounds like this is agonizing for you, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could tell you the correct path. Since divorce is filed, that's what I'll assume is happening unless you are willing to change that. Have an awesome day!"

I tried to validate how she was feeling, but also point out that she is the one that has to choose her path, and with the divorce filed, I have to deal with that reality not what's floating around in her head.

My question: would it be too pushy to propose meeting with someone to see if they have recommendations for first steps? I hate to even use the word "counselor", but I'm not sure how to broach that. It seems we're stuck at an impasse, but I don't see anything magically changing even if I go completely dark. Don't get me wrong, I know even the version of "dim" I do works, and I'm continuing that. However, if W is definitely not wanting divorce, but doesn't know what to do, would such a suggestion work?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Since divorce is filed, that's what I'll assume is happening unless you are willing to change that.

That is a total JonF comment; it doesn't surprise me at all that you added that last little part. The little jabs like that might be causing much more harm than you think. I would have left that off. These are the little changes that I am talking about.

Oddly Jon, I think that some of us (including me) could possibly make a comment like that and it might have a positive effect because it would be something different for us. But for you I think it is "more of the same" bevavior.

[Pudmuddle]

I had that thought too 2nd when I read this, that last line struck me odd. I just wasn't sure how to say it.

Jon, I wouldn't do anything at this point. You left it in her court, now don't push it further. Let her make her own choices. She KNOWS you are there.

[JayMan]

Thanks guys - I appreciate the 2x4. I'll remember that next time. My intention was to just basically say, "Hey you're asking ME what to do, but the balls in YOUR court."

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thanks guys - I appreciate the 2x4. I'll remember that next time. My intention was to just basically say, "Hey you're asking ME what to do, but the balls in YOUR court."

You don't need to point that out to her. In fact, part of going dim is about making her realize what she is losing. Your comment says that she has you if she wants you. Maybe act as if the ball is in your court.

[NTX_Dad]

Yep I agree with the other two, when I read that I cringed as well. It's like a little jab.

In fact, I wouldn't remind her that she's in control. Show her that YOU are are in control of YOU. And you did that up until the last sentence.

You need to show that you are fine and moving on, reinventing Jon and not just waiting around for her next move. Not only do you need to be showing that game face, but you must be LIVING that way as well.

[NTX_Dad]

P.S. Don't go dark on us, we have an investment helping you in your sitch now. lol

You mentioned a C, I highly recommend IC for yourself, especially if your health insurance covers it. It can be some of the best co-pay money you'll spend. I went probably 50 times during our sitch and learned so much about myself, and human nature in general.

I haven't been in 4-5 months and need to make it a priority to get back. I'd like to go once a month for a "tune up"

[AnotherStander]

I told her last time that I didn't know either, that I wasn't sure there was anything I could say or do that I hadn't already said and done.

SHE DOESN'T CARE!!!! Jon, I don't know any other way to tell you this other than the half dozen ways I've said it already, you have got to quit making every conversation about YOUR wants, YOUR feelings, YOUR desires. STFU and start listening to her! VALIDATE!

I took the advice of those on here and actually pushed BACK.

The advice was to pull back, not push. Push = pressure and you've been doing WAY too much of that.

Since divorce is filed, that's what I'll assume is happening unless you are willing to change that. Have an awesome day!

(bangs head on wall)

I tried to validate how she was feeling

I want you to tell me exactly how you validated (seriously, type it out as you see it), because I'm not reading it there and I think you still misunderstand what validation is.

I have to deal with that reality not what's floating around in her head.

= ALL ABOUT YOU

My question: would it be too pushy to propose meeting with someone to see if they have recommendations for first steps?

Yes. You're nowhere close to piecing.

Don't get me wrong, I know even the version of "dim" I do works, and I'm continuing that.

You've never once gone dim. I know you think you have, but we're all reading along and we all know you haven't and we've told you many times. What you're doing is PRESSURE and PURSUIT and it is NOT working. In fact it is probably what is keeping your W from being more serious about reconciling.

However, if W is definitely not wanting divorce, but doesn't know what to do, would such a suggestion work?

The only thing that will work is to give her time and space. You have given her neither so far. So start. A month of being dim (REALLY dim) would be a good goal.

[jp787]

Jon,

Have you read or listened to Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie?