Better to love or be loved?

[LuckyLuke]

hola wbw - I hear you on the patient part...

Perhaps you can just say you feel he isn't being honest or respectful, and that you don't care to interact with him when you have that impression. I'd be careful to not 'guilt' him, as it doesn't seem constructive in the long run.

I find it useful to rehearse what I want to say - perhaps that will make it easier when you need to actually say it.

Luke

[JustStunned]

WBW, There is no good reason to respond or tell him how you feel.

They wake up when they wake up. Some people have assisted rousing them to consciousness by dropping the rope and walking away. That is not my experience. Still some of the best advice for my sanity was “Go live your life for you and your children”

She took a long while to get to speaking to me with the same courtesy she would a stranger after I told her I would not respond unless she did. That was short lived and ceased shortly after she received her portion of the QDRO. My perception is doing so was a means to an end.

There is still drama to come and you will get through it. I defined myself through my relationship and I have come through intact, scarred, scraped and burned, but intact.

When we needed to interact I tried to keep to a list of items or outcomes I wanted to achieve rather than what I wanted to say. b/c I would quickly get lost in the I’ll say this and then if she says that, I’ll say circle. Do what works for you and stay true to your core self.

When you do not need to interact, don’t. Use your L for responses and legal advice. It is what they do and doing so permits some detachment from the process.

[willbwell]

I did not send the email to h. thank you Luke and JS for your replies.
h was here last night to see s20.when h is here we have good, friendly interaction. I don't think it is fake or contrived. I can't stay mad at h. I know this is mindreading...wondering if he is friendly because he is a step closer to D.

s17 has a big race this weekend. h will go. I did not ask where h will be staying. So, tell me...(again) do I say nothing about ow? That feels like I am just turning a blind eye. I did ask h to not call/text d when he is with ow. it is insulting to us. where the h@// is my detachment?

[AnotherStander]

wondering if he is friendly because he is a step closer to D.

A lot of times a rude, angry WAS will suddenly become shades of their old self, usually after D. I think a lot of the angry behavior is intentional, they think it will help the LBS to move on. My W actually did this to me, she got downright mean a while after BD. Then one day she came to me and said "I can't do this anymore, you don't deserve it." When I asked her what she meant, she said she was treating me bad because she thought it would be "easier" for me to accept we were done. But she felt bad because I had always been nice to her and remained so even after BD, so I didn't "deserve" the rude treatment. And sure enough she stopped after that and has been kind/ cordial ever since. So your H may be lowering his "mean" facade a little bit since D is getting closer.

So, tell me...(again) do I say nothing about ow? That feels like I am just turning a blind eye.

Silence can have more impact on him than saying something. He probably WANTS you to say something so he can turn it into a fight and blame you for instigating it to relieve some of his guilt. So when you don't say anything it drives him crazy because you're not following the pattern he's expecting. You're doing a 180

[willbwell]

yep, thank you AS. what I needed to hear. I get that when H has acted angry at me it is because of his guilt. still feel bad for h and what he is missing.
h was just here to take d to school. sad look in his eyes. I would like to ask, if it makes you happy, why the h@// so sad?I say nothing. I know I can't fix him

[JustStunned]

Do and say what you think is right. Ground your actions in what you know to be true. Choose to spend your energy carefully. Fight the battle you can win. If victory seems unsure change the terrain, the approach, tactics, and the battle.

He knows how you feel. On some level he knows. What he does is a gauge of his character at this time. Humans do not always act from their core or remain true to their character. We should and we do not.

He chose the course he is on. He will choose to remain on that tack or to change, his choice. We cannot control them or make their choices.

You are not powerless you have choices, paths to follow. Lay them out before you and choose, execute your power, live your life.

[JustStunned]

And mine is still angry, still venomous. I choose to believe this is her guilt. Her justification to self, for her actions. I choose to walk away, to ignore to stay disengaged.

WE are in control of ourselves. A single tube outside the wall is impendent when we choose to make it so.

[JustStunned]

sigh "impotent"

[willbwell]

midterms done. Afraid the papers are due to arrive. I guess I will deal as they come.
d has an activity fri eve. need to plan something for me for a couple of hrs. would prefer to stay home and study but know I should get out...
s17 has a big race in Boston this weekend. h is going. its a big deal. i'll say it here... I am envious that h gets to go. that ow could join him. no one to answer to. time and finances out of his family's account. maybe I am wrong, but I doubt it.

[willbwell]

is it a fair question to ask h what he values?