Hello, this is my first post. I have been working with a DB coach for several months because my H of over 20 years dropped the bomb that he had been mtg with an old flame 3 times over the past 3 years. I found out they had been communicating 8 months prior, but he never admitted to more than that. Finally he told me in Feb minutes before he had to leave to go out of town (coward!) because he said he finally felt I had to know the truth. At first I wanted things to work between us, but now I am not so sure if I want to stay. He says he has always cared for her and always will, but he loves me. I feel I dont deserve to have the shadow of an old flame hovering over me. Have 3 kids, so that makes me want to try to work it out, but issue is complicated because we have a child recently diagnosed with a chronic illness, plus my husband is away a lot right now on business, this is what made it so easy for him to cheat. Our focus the last few months has been getting our child well and I have not had the emotional energy to deal with my H affair and how it has hurt me, and this all occurred within one months time. My life has been turned upside down, and I need to make a decision in the next few months because we are supposed to move. He says he will be devestated by a divorce, but I am not so sure, he said that once. He never wants to talk about "it", I wish he was more demonstrative toward me. I would especially appreciate a mans's point of view. Is it normal and ok to still have feelings for another person but also love and want to be with your wife?? Thanks!
I would especially appreciate a mans's point of view. Is it normal and ok to still have feelings for another person but also love and want to be with your wife?? Thanks!
Welcome to DB.
IMHO no it is not normal to be married and have feelings for another person.
That being said, when you read what goes on here on DB. Yup that is the normal script.
That is why learning to DB is about being counterintuitive(180)
Your spouse is not behaving normally right now and if you use normal logic then it will make not make sense.
So good job working with your DB counselor, what are they advising you?
Is it normal and ok to still have feelings for another person but also love and want to be with your wife??
NORMAL? Yes.
ACCEPTABLE? Hell no.
God made us sexual beings, with all that entails. So sure, biologically it's perfectly "normal" to have feelings of wanderlust. But when one enters into a covenant -- MARRIAGE -- they forsake all others, and remain in fidelity to their spouse.
Just because one is TEMPTED doesn't mean that it's acceptable to ACT on those temptations. Each of us have our own, sometimes different boundaries, but I would (and didn't) not stand by and allow him to have his cake and eat it too.
Did your DB coach give you some simple boundaries that you could work to enforce?
DB coach is advising me to keep things light and fun with H and avoid relationship talks until around January mostly because we are dealing with so much in getting our child stable from a serious illness. January because we are supposed to put our house on the market in spring to move for H new job, he is already there and we only see him on weekends due to not wanting to uproot kids in middle of school year (rethinking that one!). Now I am the one wondering if I deserve better, he says he cares for her, and always has. Is his hs sweetheart. Says he loves me though. I am very confused by all this. Thanks so much for responding!
I can't recall what DB coach said about boundaries because I had a long break between sessions, from Feb. when I first found out about affair until a month ago due to the fact I had to push all thoughts of affair aside and take care of my very sick child for 6 months. I did tell him I expected no contact with OW and I guess he agreed although he admits he txt OW on her birthday. I have no way of knowing if he is or isn't, we only see each other on weekends now, he is working in another city, so it's very stressful and complicated. I have the burden of caring for ill child alone and two siblings also. My child's illness has made me wonder if I even want to be married to someone who hurt me so bad, if I can survive my child being so sick, I can survive anything. Thanks for your help.
