Whenever the question "when is enough enough" the answer almost always is "you'll know"
This time it's taken him 1.5 weeks of being home to decide to move out again. If anyone had read my posts o the psych forum, you may understand this cycle I'm referring to. I want it to end. It plays emotional havoc within me.
All the blame directed at me, when I'm wrong I'm wrong,even when I'm right I'm wrong. Everything is my fault... Really? H calls me superwoman, hates that I'm a superwoman, and yet if I can't depend on this superwoman facade sometimes, how else would I be able to handle his whims? H says I should be more of a woman, more vulnerable. But when I am, showing get him the painful hurt little girl that I feel inside, I get shot down And naturally, the superwoman masks comes on. To be vulnerable with H is a painful place to be. To be superwoman is not who I want to be.
I feel that swallowing everything going and denying how I feel just to cater to his emotional needs is eating me up. My defence was to wall up for 10 years and we both know it's led us nowhere. I refuse to be that person anymore. I want to knock the walls down knowing there's a safe place on the other side, knowing that there'd be no sudden attacks.
I've been consciously trying to work on this (for myself) the last 5 months, challenging myself to ride the waves and grin through the attacks. That worked in pulling H back to reconsider reconciliation. These times have brought me through rediscovering myself, mental, emotional and physical pain and ending up in a better place.
I am not angry, or upset at his decision to leave again. Conversely, I have become aware of how I am and what I need to be in order to be the wife he wants and I stand firm now that that is not the kind of love I want. I think db-ing concept of "one to tango" works, however when one partner has certain issues which may require professional help, there really are circumstances where it needs "2 to tango".
I am staying positive and GAL-ING. I'm taking care of myself in order to take care of my kids and I must really let him take care of himself. I no longer want to play the role of the superwoman.
I hope this post gets approved soon. And thanks for the support
