I am really getting a better feel for my roller coaster now. After I met with w a few weeks ago, I knew I had a few backslides and had this terrible feeling things would never get better. Then Friday w calls to have lunch with me and I realize things things really have not changed that much. I didn't meet up with her and have not gotten a response to my "sorry I missed you" text, but I know we'll see each other again...
A pattern is starting to develop.
I wonder if I can make small changes in my behavior that will lead to better outcomes in the future or if I just have to wait and see what happens with my w as she goes on her journey.
I really wish my w had a fast forward button
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
2nd - I'm with you. It's been WAY painful the little tiny baby steps. Quite honestly, sometimes I'd almost rather quit than go through this excruciating painful slowness.
And we both have heard "It's a marathon, not a sprint", but man that's hard to get that to sink in.
I think it may be good that you weren't available, and texted back the next day. The next time, be real chipper, and say, "Sure, how about XYZ place!"
I understand your desire to help your wife. You see a loved one in trouble and your instinct is to reach out and help. I feel the same way about by WAH.
But, from your thread, it looks like, with a couple of exceptions, anytime she reaches out to you, you are there to meet her needs. What impetus is there for her to come back into the R if she can get her needs met, by you, outside of the M?
From a woman's perspective, if I could get a man to meet with my needs without having to give much of anything in return, why would I want to pursue him? Why would I want to repair what is broken? From my perspective, I would figure that if I didn't have to put much into the R to get what I need, why put forth the effort.
I think the formula here is a good one. Be unavailable at times, be mysterious, let them wonder about you instead of the other way around. Set your boundaries and let her see what those boundaries are.
Maybe, as a newbie, I am wrong. But, this is my second time around the block with the same H and I think my biggest mistake was not setting my boundaries the first time we went through this.
Be strong ... let go. And focus on what is good in your life - right now. Let her realize what she may be losing and find her own path back to you. It is working for me. H is pursing me now, instead of the other way around. H is realizing what he is throwing by the wayside.
I will say a prayer for you. I hope that your WAW will find her way back to you. You sound like a good, decent man that doesn't deserve this.
I wish you all the best.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
That's actually sort of funny. I did a joke on W a few months ago, where you text someone and say "I have something to tell you" - then don't text anything else.
Then just sit back and watch the texts roll in. Not sure if that's good DBing but it was funny. W was like "What?" - then about 3 hours later, she was like, "This isn't funny. You better not be joking".
Depending on where you are in your situation it could have a positive or negative effect. Unless you are aiming for totally dark, sending random stuff does not have the same effect as pursuing ... (I know some in here would call this pursuing, but I believe in many cases it is not) There was a forum in the texting program I did, so I saw lots of outcomes from different kinds of texts.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Sounds like your kinda of restuck a bit, that's ok, sometimes when that happens its time to back away, and sometimes they need to feel you chasing them a bit. The hard part is knowing which one to do. Its important that you let her make that first move thou.
She'll tell you, maybe not using exact words, what she wants. If you get a "so what have you been up to?" then proceed carefully. If you don't hear from her, or get an "I've been busy", validate and keep dim I think. Crap who knows. Its all such a fine fine line.
Its so important, yet so hard, to not think about it until the situation presents itself. Its important I think, that you keep yourself as busy as possible. You really haven't had a time that detachment was an option. Which makes it all hit home everytime theres contact, even a simple text. Don't get down thou, just realize its all a process that's going to take time, a long time.
Do what you feel is right for you. You are the one that has to live with the results, and only you know your wife. Hang in there buddy, you've got my full support and hope that things work out. Don't be afraid to give it some time if that what you think you need to do. The choices are yours of course. You'll know by her actions/responses how to proceed. Listening is still your best ally.
