He's not 'in love' with me

[CallaghanClown]

Feeling much better today. Detachment is an uphill struggle that I feel I'm winning today. It's not about no contact it's about not caring about what he does or doesn't say when I do have to have contact with him. We have kids together, I'm going to have to have contact with him for the rest of my life. The sooner I except that the better.

I've been reading up on MLC and its becoming clearer that this is the situation I'm in. I've had 3 bailiffs at the door today, so I'm guessing its not just the affair that he's been hiding. This explains why there is no money in our account.

I need to deal with the guilt of abandoning him, while he's so ill. But I know that I can't fix him, I can't fix anyone. By trying to fix him, I'm trying to control him, which I don't want to do.

So NC is unrealistic, it's not possible with two small kids. But I've detached from him. I'm learning to validate is feelings but not to believe anything he says and very little of what he does.

I can't help but get excited when he is nice to me, but I know that I shouldn't. He's not of sound mind, he doesn't know how he feels. I just need to concentrate on me and the kids.

I've been looking at the timeline of his MLC. Initially I stupidly thought this started the day he started the affair, however now I understand that it has been going on for 1.5/2 years.

This is when we moved to a new area and he felt under pressure to bring money into the house, he'd never done that before. Then he had to take a part time job because his business was failing. Then I started suffering from depression, which he'd suffered from for years but refused to address, and he wasn't capable of being supportive. I then lost my job and he became the breadwinner. At first he refused to work, then slowly I helped him build his business up and he became successful. But he frequently let customers down and the business often dipped, until I found new customers and the cycle would continue. Around this time he became suicidal. He'd often be incoherent, confused and withdrawn, I became his full time carer, I lived my life by his moods.

I frequently stopped helping him, got angry, sad, cried, yelled, pleaded and then built the business up again. Nothing ever changed. Then suddenly he bought into a successful company and I offered support from home. He started working all hours of the day and night with two of his friends. He started bringing in regular money. I was so happy I gave him a free reign to build his business himself, I trusted him implicitly. The fact his two friends have divorced and now have very young girlfriends never bothered me, I never expected him to ever cheat.

I do believe this all stems from his childhood. As do my issues with control and fixing people.