The ups and downs of DBing

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, Tori. It was the perfect article for how I'm feeling now.

It all came out Sunday morning. He apologised for Sat night and said that he's been drinking and sleeping because of his debts (that he's kept hidden and lied about until yesterday). It turns out that he owes 33k and isn't earning much at the moment, because he is too stressed. I was horrified but said that I was glad he'd told me and that I wanted us to work it out together. He was thinking of using some agency that charges 15% of the debt in exchange for freezing accounts and negotiating some repayment deal. I thought that sounded like another bad idea. He really is delusional though because he keeps talking about how he'll soon earn more, that stuff is in the pipeline, that he's owed money...

I've had a few more convos with H about money since yesterday. I was v clear that I would try to help out with his debts in exchange for transparency. He says he wants to go for that option but won't actually show me his bank and cc statements. He won't show me his bills. I don't call that transparency.

Reluctantly, he emailed me with the breakdown (in round figures) of his debts: inheritance tax (from his mother's death 9 years ago), 4 overdrafts and 2 credit card debts. I still don't call that being transparent. I'd need to know that the accounts were closed and cc destroyed. I'd want to try to make a deal with all his creditors (if that's the right word). I don't know what he's hiding. It might as well be an A.

I've asked him several times to be honest with me about money. He's incapable of it. The only problem is that he would have a lot to gain financially by Ding me.

He slept all afternoon and hasn't spoken to me since his last email which I didn't respond to. Earlier today, I asked him about exact figures and he snapped that this wasn't going to work if I was like a terrier that wouldn't let go. He's right, it's not going to work because he still won't come clean. He can get help elsewhere as far as I'm concerned.

I was awake in the night and felt so furious at him. He seems pathologically weak and deluded. I'm not going to initiate any money talk now. He is so used to denying and avoiding problems that I bet he can last a fair bit longer without bringing it up again.

He managed to make it through supper with the kids but he'll make sure we're not alone together tonight so that the topic won't come up.

I'm not quite sure how to apply DB principles in this sitch. His debt/spending might as well be an OW. He is secretive and doesn't want to give it up but will pretend he does. What a mess.