Digging In 2

[JayMan]

NTX - that's exactly what I'm doing. When W texted me last night about not wanting divorce, I said just the couple of "I don't knows"; I was actually honest. At this point, I have no idea what to do. I am not contacting her again.

I'm more than willing to admit that my steps thus far haven't done a whole lot - not sure why W is still so connected other than a ton of prayer going up for her.

Although, if she did walk in and say "I want to work on the marriage" - what IS the next step? I know the canned answers are counseling, dating, taking it slow, etc; but what are good baby steps on rebuilding trust? Is it coffee dates and no talking about R?

[Pudmuddle]

I agree with what 2nd said. Work on HOW you interact with the W since it is all over the board.

I think before you were to discuss problems or rebuilding trust you have to rebuild the connection. To me that is not discussing problems until that soul connect is there again. This is specifically shown by actions. Being there, being transparent, treating someone as if you were dating them again with no expectations. Treating them kindly and with purpose of your marriage being a priority EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My 2 cents.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Btw, Jon, I am not saying don't be dim or scarce, I just don't think that should be your focus. I think you need to focus on how you interact with your w. There always seems to be so much focus from people bringing out 2x4s about going dark and weather or not you actually go dark that your real issues may be missed.

[NTX_Dad]

2nd - It's been a while since I've read the book and endured my sitch, but I believe if the WAS pursues the LBS you are supposed to politely distance yourself from them. The pursuing won't last, it's just a fleeting moment. Sometimes it's intentional to see if they still have you "on the hook".

In all honestly, getting together to work on the problems won't fix the problems, in my humble opinion. Following that route simply makes this sitch and "extended fight" that got out of hand. I think eventually both sides would go right back to the same behaviors and patterns that got them to this point in the first place..... and who wants that? The next time will be even more painful and costly.

I don't know Jon at all and can only go by the posts on here. Reading through the posts leads me to conclude that he too is confused and not just the WAS. And since this is Jon's second "stich" maybe there's something about Jon that Jon needs to learn about himself. Maybe he was unlucky and married two "flakes", but it's also possible there's something about Jon that Jon needs to figure out.

I know going dim and GAL seems like the wrong thing to do, it's counter-intuitive. I felt the same way when I went through my sitch. But as a survivor I can now look back and see that going dim is actually what helped me learn about plant the seeds for our marriage to be successful and loving.

[NTX_Dad]

Ugh sorry there's a lot of typo's in my prior post, I wish I was able to go back and edit them. lol

[2ndtimearoundCA]

NTX - at some point you moved from being distant to piecing. What does a WAS have to do so that we can begin to spend time with them again?

Also I am not suggesting Jon work on the relationship. I am saying the when he is around her he needs to act differently.

[AnotherStander]

what are we LBSs supposed to do when our WASs pursue us? All I have heard is "accept some invitations but not others".

I highly recommend reading Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" for insight into the pursuit/ distance cycle. He does a really good job of explaining this strange dynamic. But basically, if your WAS pursues you your heart tells you to return the favor. But when you do, they go right back to distancing. It's confusing and it hurts. You think you're giving them what they want but they suddenly turtle up on you. But you can turn the tables on them by not pursuing. At some point they may get curious and pursue you, and if they do, then like NTX said, you pull BACK! That can actually make them pursue even more. Basically it's the old "hard to get" approach, if you act like you're not sure you want their pursuit then suddenly they've got a challenge on their hands.

It doesn't always work this way. I quit pursuing my W 10+ months ago and she never has done anything remotely akin to pursuit towards me. Even so, it was the right thing for ME to quit pursuing her, because it helped me to move on.

[JayMan]

I can hear you guys talking about me! j/k

I think the difference is W is confused about how she FEELS. I'm confused about what to DO.

When I do go dim, W pursues me. Obviously, she is "pursuing" right now. I guess my plan is to still stay very dim; one thing I know is that W needs to drive the conversation and the direction, and I need to just go along for the ride. If this is HER idea, we stand a much better chance of success.

[JayMan]

Oh, BY THE WAY: I think all of the LBSs should take note of one thing W said last night that I forgot to mention. She has told me she was happy, stress-free, loving her job, loving her life, that she was moving on, free to date, ILYBNILWY, we were too different, didn't date long enough, I could go on and on - many of the typical WAS script stuff.

She has gotten three tattoos, started smoking a little, gone out partying until 2:00-3:00am (although she's quit since), hanging out with all new friends, spending money like crazy, got a new job.

Last night, here's what she said: "I know you think I'm cold and that this is so easy for me, but I'm being ripped apart".

An interesting confession in the midst of all the "happiness".

[NTX_Dad]

Yep, she's rebounding and trying anything to make herself happy. You know as the rest of us that for most people, that's not a good life and will almost certainly come crashing down on her.

In a sense, she herself is trying to "GAL", although she doesn't know it.

You need to be doing the same thing, but not to THAT extreme. Go out more, rarely turn down an invite to do something, especially if it's something you've never done before.

Rediscover who "Jon" is and what he likes to do. Be good to yourself and treat yourself to an indulgence that you would not normally spend the time or money on.