The reason I asked her again last night if the PA was over is because I wanted her to understand that if I find out down the road that it is not over, she will need to leave. That is what I told her.
Good -- boundary laid then. How do you intend to find out if she's still in contact with the PA guy?
One of the reasons I'm a big "boundaries SOONER, rather than later" guy is that once a walkaway spouse tells you they want OUT of the marriage (and maybe even has filed for divorce, or at least SAYS they are going to) you really have lost any leverage in your ability to enforce such a boundary. You can try, but really she's just going to say "Well, I consider the marriage to be over ANYWAY," and it's a bit of a non-starter.
I think you would be wise to fully separate your finances at this point -- yours, hers, family's -- and put some formal agreements in place. I certainly wouldn't allow any family finances to spent in any way on her affair, nor on legal fees for her to try to tear apart the family.
