Better to love or be loved?

[Pudmuddle]

he's damaged. ow is a train wreck sit.what kind of people have affairs with married men? sad to believe h can be so stupid!

I can only think, in a twisted way, it makes him feel needed. And the kind of people that have affairs with married men have a low moral center and the R is built off of lies and deceit, so it won't take long for that to unravel into the sad mess that it is.

We can hold out hope for that!!!

I found an inspiring woman who left her law career to be a writer. She is now a public speaker on women doing things they love, mostly career oriented, but still very inspiring to do what you love. Her name is Tama Kieves. Even if you just get on her email list, she has some very powerful messages she sends out.

[AnotherStander]

know I am supposed to detach. on the one hand, think I will stand.

You can stand and still be detached. Detached just means you've removed yourself from H's roller coaster and are living your own life and letting him live his. You can do that while still standing.

on the other, I am tired of all the bs. I get nothing from h. I get no appreciation for all I do for our children. I am only the hired help. h does not care that I feel overwhelmed. I ask myself why should I want this man. I don't like what he has become.

I totally understand! It's hard to go from feeling loved and admired before BD, to practically overnight being dirt under their feet- no compliments, no ILY, no appreciation. All I can tell you is you have to live for YOU and the kids, not for your H. You have to accept that you will get no emotional or physical support from him. You have to drop all expectations. Do things for yourself to find your PMA!

[willbwell]

running out of time.GTO, Pud and AS, thank you for checking in.
papers filed. h giving me until after my midterms(next week) to serve. set myself up with another expectation, only to get disappointed...Again.
s20 on a flt home last night. 3 hr delay.(gets in at 120 am) s20 calling h. no response. d calls h for goodnight. no reply. I think perhaps h is on a flt on his way back and that is why. Nope.
h and ow both work for airline so they can be anywhere at anytime. Know I am supposed to say Who Cares!fact of matter is that I still do.

ok, so I know, focus off h. s20 is home for a couple of days.(fall break) I having a study break drink with a friend tonight-quick. my classes keep me busy. s17 made the boat for a big race next weekend(gets to go to Boston!)huge boost for his ego!so proud of his hard work.
I will be ok.

[Pudmuddle]

Sorry on your new disappointment wbw. That's a downer.

I, too, am going out for a drink with friends tonight, so enjoy yourself! I'll think of you when I have a drink.

I'm glad your classes are keeping you busy, when you achieve something it does wonders for your PMA!

How proud you must be of your son, that is awesome.

I'll keep on truckin' if you do!

[willbwell]

And so it begins...Had to pay the retainer.

Puddle, I will keep on trucking. I love having all my kids home. this time is really so fleeting so I treasure it. You know,like when the kids were babies. At the time maybe seems hard or exhausting from lack of sleep, but where did that time go?? I get that it all goes way too fast and I am going to relish in the now!
Busy day. d's dance , yoga. my yoga, my studies...boys in and out.

[2old]

"Know I am supposed to say Who Cares!fact of matter is that I still do."

Hi WBW, Hey, we have and some still are right where you are now...Still caring is the hardest part of all this. The good news is it really does get better no matter how things work eventually work out.....

I am reading/listening to what all the vets have to say and six months into my sitch I am coming to terms with what has to be done. Moving forward is not easy but,it is what has to be done...

Be Strong, Be Courageous it will all work out....

[willbwell]

so get a text from h this AM saying I'll call later to discuss how to proceed(with D)
what am I supposed to reply>? ok, thanks, have a nice day!

in the same text he then goes on to say Good morning to d. (he texts her on my phone, she does not have a phone- I know time for her to get her own phone) asks did she sleep well and says he did. Amazing, no consideration one bit for how this could make me feel!

[willbwell]

at my wits end. here is something I want to say to h...

Its sickening how much money has been spent already for this separation and how much more will be spent. Sickening to me!!

look around that office h, how many of those men have no daily physical interactions with their children? oh sure, they pay the bills, but really don't they pretty much do as they please?( don't you h??) they go to work, they go out to lunch, they go out to dinner, they travel for work- don't have to answer to anyone, don't have to work within anyone's schedule but their own. see their kids occasionally. do for themselves, workout when they want, shop only for themselves, no worries about collateral damage.

why the lies h? Do you think you are protecting my feelings?

lies are a form of control-takes away my ability to make a decision based on information.

I have been too nice and too forgiving of you h.

I am sorry that you could not find happiness in all the many blessings that we have-our kids daily, our great home and community, our health. its really too bad. the costs are so high( and not just monetarily) it still is unbelievable( to me) what you are willing to give up.

[LuckyLuke]

hi wbw - your phrase "too nice and forgiving" rings a bell... it sounds like you need to set boundaries to protect yourself, so you can deal with this 'stuff' more on your terms. Perhaps you could write down what bugs you, find some words or actions as a response (e.g. "I don't care to hear about xyz. Let's talk again later", and hang up) to each, and do it.

Luke

[willbwell]

well, Luke. I have been so patient. I don't want to guilt h. but he's not been nice or honest with me. I am sorry for the place he is in. But, I have asked him to be honest and really sometimes I have a hard time not saying,,, just leave us alone! h says he didn't feel my pain, he felt his...well he caused mine and his! he has had no consequences.