I somehow managed to lose all my posts I typed Friday, so I apologize for just getting back with you.
Okay, so she had made a decision.....right? She said she didn't want to give up the OM. Unless you are willing to share her with another man, then does that settle it? You may think so, or tell yourself it does, but a lot of men discover it's not that easily done. So, let's think about some things.
You are scared. Scared she will meet with OM and sleep with him while you are away on your job. You even got her to verbally agree......which means nothing to a W having an A. At one time, she might would have honored it, but she has changed. It's painful to know she isn't the same as when she M you, but something caused her to cross the line with this guy and dishonor her vows. You are wanting to keep her from doing it again. You can't. You can get promises from her, keep her on the phone as much as possible, maybe have someone to even watch her...but the cold fact is that you cannot keep her from seeing this OM, if that's what she wants.
A lot of men are so panicked that they can't see they are trying to control the other person. They just want the A to end, (which is what needs to happen so the M can R). It's really kind of natural that a man tries to control the situation b/c he's fighting for his M. But here's the point: you cannot control her. And the more she feels you are trying to control her, the more she will prove you can't. It just makes things worse. Besides, what could you do to stop her?
She is giving signs of wanting to end the M and remain "best friends", and that's why she is doing the hand holding, etc. It's almost like a mother reassuring her little boy that he will be okay when it's all over. If men only knew it at the time, they would not subject themselves to this. But most guys misunderstand the actions and read the wrong message into what she's doing. IOW, she wants to dump you for OM, but she wants you and her to be friends.
Since you have shown her the changes you were willing to make...and she still chose to keep the OM, my advice is to drop the rope. Go completely dark on her. No contact of any kind. It won't stop her from having the A, but she's going to do it anyway. If you will move forward and be fine without her in your life...you might just have a chance at R. However, it won't be soon. In fact, by the time she comes around (if she does), you may no longer be interested.
The people who come back here to tell us their WAW returned to the M, were the ones who finally got enough of everything and was ready to drop the emotional rope they had tied around the WAW. Once the WAW sees what she lost, it can wake her out of the A fog. But like I said, it takes time, and there are no grantees.
If you decide it's the way you want to go, then I would suggest distancing yourself from her. Focus 100% on yourself and healing from your painful experience. Find the man you use to be (or become better). Get a life for yourself, but more than that....have a life of significance. Give of yourself in some way (volunteer to help the elderly, sick, & needy). Keep balanced between work, fun, friends/family, Church, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Get plenty of sleep, exercise and stay on a healthy diet.
This may sound like dime-store advice, but if you can handle yourself with honor and dignity, you will walk tall and feel good about yourself. Don't let your mistakes bury you. Learn from them and keep growing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
