BOMB WAS DROPPED!! Now What??

[doubledown]

Coincidently, I 've reached 100 posts and from what I've seen on this board, I'm supposed to start a new thread. Not sure how to do that, so I clicked on "New Topic".

Well, my wife who has been involved in a PA for the past 5 months turned to me on Friday night, after we put the kids to bed, and told me "she couldn't do it anymore".

She couldn't continue to live a lie and stay in this relationship (our marriage).

She explained that as soon as 6 months after we got married, she had begged and pleaded for me to change my ways and get help for my issues with anger and other personality flaws(we've been married 10 years). That her family had warned her against marrying me and that her damaged relationship with each family member is a result of disregading their warning. She said she is exausted and can't do it anymore. Even though she said she is so happy and pleased to see all the changes I've been making for the past 4 1/2 months, she just can't do it anymore because of all the pain and the miserable experience our marriage has been. She said that she wants to leave the marriage before she starts to hate me. Right now, she said she resents me so much.

She provided me a 4 page letter chronologically itemizing each problem and her attempt to address it with me or the pain she suffered as a result.

She was very detailed and even revealed her affair...that she claimed is over. She stated that she knew I was aware of it because she knew I was going through her texts and emails.

She simply apologized for the affair and said it's over and it's in the past and there's nothing she can do about it. Said she realized how wrong it was and that she needs to make things right with God and focus on being a better mother to our children.

Now here's the rub:

For the past 4 months, I've been reading DR, DB, online community, researching affairs, researching marriage saving techniques, reading and gathering valuable knowledge through the vets here and others. So, when I'm ready to confront my wife about her PA, I'm ready!

Wrong. W dropped the bomb and I immediately went into defense mode and tried to counter all of her arguments. Explaining why she feels the way she does. Informing her that all marriages go through this type of errosion and that love is a decison, not a feeling and we can rebuild this marriage.

She continued to tell me she's made her decision and that's it.

I asked her to consider giving us 1 year to work on our marriage together. If after 1 year she still felt the same, I would accept her wishes. She actually, paused for a few seconds, but then said no her decision is final.


Last night, I stopped W as she was going to bed in the other room. I asked her if I could aske her a question. I asked her if I deserved the common courtesy of her honesty. She said yes. So, I asked her about the PA and if it was truly over. She explained that it was. We talked more about what she had done and what her plans were.


She stated that she doesn't want anything from me. No money, no belongings, etc. I asked what about the house? She said, I don't even want the house. She said I want the kids to be able to remain here in the house.

She asked if I would be willing to share time away so that each of us can have time alone with the kids and so it won't be that mom is always leaving for a few days at a time.

I agreed to that and said I'm more than willing to work with you on all of this. I'm not your adversary and have no intention of being difficult. I guess I'll have to earn your trust.

Then I said we can work through this. You don't need to rush everything and get a divorce now. She said, I'm not going to run out tomorrow and file. I want to make sure we can make this the least disruptive for the kids as possible while we figure out what we're doing about separating or divorcing.

So, what is my next step? Distance? Give her space? DB my Arse off? GET A LIFE my arse off?

I want to make the most out of this opportunity.

Please help!!!!