Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part V)

[AnotherStander]

D18 tried out for a job at a big local haunted attraction (Thrillvania for those who are into it, it's always ranked in the top 10 in the country). She did get the job, so she was really stoked about that, and I was too We've been going there together for the last 5 or 6 years and she has always talked about how she'd love to work there, so it's a dream-come-true for her! I talked to my brother and invited him and his 2 kids up to go there with S10, D16 and me. S10 was apprehensive about going, so I spent the last week telling him about it in as much detail as I could so he would know what to expect. He finally said that he wanted to go. So we scheduled it for next weekend. D18 worked this past Saturday night and I stayed up waiting for her to get home to talk about it afterwards. When she got home she tells me W, OM and S10 went!!! WHAT? I must have been sitting there with my mouth open, because D18 finally asked what was wrong. First I told her that W has NEVER, EVER been interested in going to a haunt with us in the past, why the sudden change of heart? Second I told her I've spent all this effort trying to get S10 interested and setting it up as a big event with family, and she basically "scooped" me. I wasn't mad, just surprised.

So the next day I invited S10 and D18 to see "Gravity" with me, neither wanted to go so what the heck, I went by myself. Very cool movie by the way. While I'm there W calls to apologize for taking S10 to Thrillvania. We talked a while, I thanked her, told her I was in the theater and would talk to her later. D16 told me later that she had given W crap for taking S10 to Thrillvania, W acted surprised that D16 thought anything of it and D16 said to her "dad has been planning this for weeks, it's (S10's) first time to go to a haunted house and now he'll remember going with you and (OM) instead of dad. You know, dad wants to do "dad things" with his kids too, it doesn't always have to be (OM)." That was Saturday night and she said W barely spoke the rest of the evening. The next morning is when W called to apologize.

D16 went on to vent more about W and how moody she's being. She also mentioned that W has not had a period in 3 months now, so she's definitely in peri-menopause which I've mentioned a few times before that I suspected (because she was having hot flashes). Now she's hot all the time too, D16 said W likes to keep the house freezing-cold. Anyway, D16 said she asks W to talk to her but W refuses, and if D16 tries to talk to her anyway W makes an excuse why they can't talk right then. D16 said if she is able to corner W and get her to talk that W will break down crying. It's almost like W and D16 have reversed roles, D16 is having to be W's mother! D16 was asking me questions about menopause- how long it lasts, will W return to "normal" afterwards, etc. I just kept telling D16 that I understood her frustration and that I am experiencing it too, and that W is going through a lot of changes and as difficult as it is, she needs to be patient with W. I also told her that as much as we'd all love to have a timeline, there isn't one. D16 said she just wants W to "go back to normal".

W has two more radiation treatments, since she elected not to have chemo she will be done after those. She showed me her burns from the treatments and ouch! They look nasty!

I guess that is the key, moving beyond what we cannot control.

Very true. We say a lot around here that we have to work on the one and only thing we can control which is- ourselves. Easier said than done though, it is extremely hard to let go of our spouses and leave them to their journey. And even now after over a year of DB'ing I STILL have to fight the urge to intervene in W's life and "fix" her. It's tough watching someone you love struggle like that.

It would LOL. Actually when I got BD from my H he told that he had planned to hand me D papers for our anniversary which was just over a week after BD. 10 months later he still hasn't filed.

It is sooooo hard not to ask about that. She said she would bring them over "next week" 3 weeks ago. Why hasn't she? Too busy? Having second thoughts? Afraid it'll turn into a confrontation? Just forgot? Who knows.

AS- My kids have similar feelings about the positive changes I've made and the negative changes my stbx has made since this all started.

Interesting, seems to be a pattern developing!

It seems to me that our culture is almost pushing divorce and making it a trendy thing to do.

I've been surprised at some people that have mentioned here that even some pastors are counseling WAS's to get out of the M. You'd think a pastor would be well-versed on the issues of only listening to one side of a story.

Also how kids from divorced families are fine after a year....

I'm one of those kids, and I was not fine after a year, or five or ten, or even now 30+ years later. I still harbor a lot of traumatic memories from that time in my life.

AS, I wanted to stop by to say thank you for posting on my thread and for being there with support and advice throughout my long journey. I caught up w your sitch and it seems you continue being strong and a role model for your children.

Thank you

I agree w 7720 that the media plays a huge role in the way young people (and not-so-young people) view D.

That and peer pressure. There are plenty of enablers that a WAS can surround themselves with who will tell them that leaving is the answer. That's what happened to my mom, everything seemed fine until she went back to work after 10+ years of being a SAHM. At first she'd come home and at dinner would share stories about the single, separated and D'd women at work and the fantastic, exciting lives they were leading. Then she became increasingly withdrawn until she didn't even have dinner with us anymore, would come home from work and lock herself in the bedroom. Then she left without warning. She eventually tried to reconcile, but dad was so angry and bitter over it that he told her to get out and stay out.

AS, has your w given you the papers yet? did you get served? my h has filed.

I still don't have them. W said her L filed the initial petition nearly 2 months ago, but my understanding is that I have to be served by the court unless I sign a waiver which I did not (I told W I would, but she never gave me one to sign). So this makes me wonder if the petition was indeed filed.

he justs wants to be done. he doesn't seem to care how this impacts me and kids. he doesn't want to go there. I think he expects me to just go along...I do not want to be ugly.

Very sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately most WAS's don't really concern themselves with what the impact is to anyone but themselves, either that or they build a fantasy that D will make things better for everyone.

My W's dad divorced her mom a year before he died

Woah! That has to be difficult on her mom, would be tough to find closure after that.