constant reminders - triggers

[abbey1989]

Oh gosh spent this entire weekend so distraught. H tried to call me all night long on my cell and the home number but I couldn't talk to him. In the morning on Saturday I got up, got some coffee and drove to the beach. He kept texting, and calling but I couldn't answer. I know he was worried. I finally did answer, and he told me he never realized how hard this would be, that he's seen other people do this, but never really realized how devastating this would be to the people he loves most. Kids are devastated. They thought we were the "perfect family".

I came home later in the day on Saturday, and he was trying to reach me and I just couldn't talk anymore. He showed up. We talked. It turns out that the rental he had been paying for was a trailer on a big piece of property in town next over. I told him how hurtful it has been, knowing that he was paying rent somewhere, for something, but not knowing what it was for. So he has been planning on leaving for about a year. He knows he has been hurtful, kept saying sorry......something he never says. I know he is hurting too. When he couldn't reach me by phone later Saturday afternoon, he came over. We talked some more. He said he never realized what it would be like not to be able to reach me. We were so exhausted emotionally, I said I wish we could just hug and sleep. He stayed over. He was more caring and loving (not in a ML way) but nice, than he has been in so long. Yesterday morning, we talked some more. Really talked, and I told him that he has never really shared his dreams with me, and that I didn't realize there were things that he wanted to do in this life that didn't include me. He just wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants. Ride his bike, happy hour with friends, motorcycle rides....and doesn't want to see how it hurts me. I told him that the main reason why I was feeling hurt when he would leave was because I thought he was doing something else with someone else. We talked about OW. He still insists that they were just friends. He said that he was just trying to help her out with setting her up with sub-contractors for her house. I told him that at some point, his helping her out as a friend must have been more important than being honest with me because that is when all of the lies started. And he admitted that he was wrong, and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me.

We looked each other in the eyes, he loves me, I love him. I told him I wanted to do counseling, he doesn't think the problem is our R, but something he feels inside. He said it sounds cliche, but his age is a factor. Feeling that time is running out. He says that he knows that it sounds selfish. That he wants to get in the best shape of his life, gain back some years so to speak. Be healthy. I told him that I completely understand that, and that I don't ever want to be in the way of him living his life as he wishes to.

So we said what I thought would be our goodbye again yesterday. He asked me not to tell my parents, which made me think that he might change his mind. He felt like if everyone knows, then the genie is out of the bottle so to speak. After he left, I just started throwing things away. Food in the refrigerator. Food in the pantry. Of course having another complete breakdown. I guess he was calling and calling on my cell which I had on silent.

He came back again late last night when I was in my kitchen throw away frenzy. I said that I was sorry and I didn't plan for him to be back and see me as a crying hot mess. I told him that I am grieving.

I gave him his gluten free pasta and said I don't need this (haha). He asked if he could go shopping and make us some dinner. Neither of us eaten since Friday. I said sure. Then, he said I could stay, and move his clothes and things back in....how would I feel about that. I said I only wanted him to be here if he wanted to be here. He said he did, and he started moving back in. He said we'll see how it goes.

Can I say this has been the absolute worst weekend of my life?

Anyway, he has been more tender and caring, not standoffish like he has been for months. I told him he could sleep in the spare bedroom if he wanted, since I knew he wanted his space, but he chose to be with me. And I do want him. I do know he is hurting too. He says he knows that he hasn't been a good partner to me, and that there are so many things he wants to change in his life. He wants to be nicer to everyone. Really be helpful to everyone.

We've both decided to work on ourselves to be more active and healthy. He said he wants to live a vibrant life. And so do I.
So I guess, for now, 180's will be my mantra.

Thanks for listening.