Digging In 2

[JayMan]

Thanks for checking in, Pud. This will be my last post here probably for awhile, although I'll probably keep up on everyone's sitches.

I am ready for divorce. Wouldn't say excited or happy, but ready. I may check on others from time to time, and I'm eternally grateful for those that have given me advice and guided me.

This is not a whim. Remember I've been through this before with XW1. The only thing I got out of four years of DBing with XW1 was a lot of false hopes, broken promises, watching OMs go through. Don't get me wrong - DBing brought me out a better man, better friend, better father, many things that I wouldn't trade for the world, but not XW1, and I'm in a better place because of it.

I won't stop DBing, I just won't be doing it with W. Perhaps if she finds herself through her own journey, we may talk again.

I am completely unemotional about this; not angry, not frustrated, not upset, not making a rash choice. I have thought and prayed and weighed this the last two days.

But now I'm going dark, truly dark, not dim or extra dim. I will not respond to any contact, and I'll see W in court 12/16.

You guys are awesome! I'll be back soon, I'm sure!

[Mimi00]

All the best to you Jon, do keep us updated on your self-progress!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Jon - you have been here before. I don't believe that you are ready for divore. However, you may be ready to get off the roller coaster. Get off the roller coaster and live your life. I know it is easier said than done, but I think that you are getting there. You are now going dark for you and not your w ... which I think is a great step for you.

[JayMan]

I have to jump back on just to say one thing.

I just spent two days really prepping myself for this. I remember catching a glimpse of labug or someone talking about how their H leaving really shook them up, and changed them for the better. I actually said this to W this past week; even though I wish it was different circumstances, I was grateful because I've become so much more patient, and kind, and I see good in people, and I have unconditional love.

Well, not 30 minutes after I posted on here that I was ready for divorce, W texted me and said, "I don't want divorce, but I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I can trust you or give you my heart again." I didn't respond for a long time, and I finally just said, "I don't know what to do either." She texted for awhile about how she wished I had protected her heart, and just loved her for who she was, and went on for awhile. I just said, "I wish that too. But I don't know what to do now".

This may not sound like validating or pressing for feeling or DBing, but it was all I could do to not be Mr. Fixit; a huge 180 for me.

She finally said, "I have to go to bed; I don't know what else to say tonight", and I said, "OK. Night".

Then, for some reason, I texted, "I love you". For the first time in 3 months, W texted back, "I love you too".

Can someone please transport me back to a world that makes sense?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Remember Jon that you are getting off the coaster . So if she happens to reverse field, don't get frustrated and tell her that she makes no sense. Remember that logic doesn't work. Move slowly and still be a little scarce.

[planet]

JonF, I want to share 25yearsmlc's Rules for Newcomers with you.
Read note 41. It pretty much applies to your situation right now, IMHO.

BTW, 25yearsmlc's Rules for Newcomers is an extended version of Sandi2's 37 Rules with some commentaries.

[JayMan]

2nd - believe me, I sat around a fire tonight with 15-20 good friends, and realized how insanely blessed I am. It was honestly that realization that hammered home to me that I was ready.

Planet - right now, 17 and 19 have served me well this last week, although all of them are good. I think it's the first time I've said "I love you" in a long time, and it just felt right as I let go. 41 is dead on, and I will memorize that tonight.

I am NOT going to get pulled in on false hopes. W has said stuff like this before, even if she's never said, "I love you".

I will NOT contact her, I swear to you all. If I hear from her, I'll pass it along.

Quiet for me, now.

[LuckyLuke]

Good luck, Jon.

[NTX_Dad]

Jon -

I was away from the computer all weekend and just got caught up.

Two things I wanted to mention: You said that during the coffee get together that you were DB'ing like a champ. Technically you probably weren't - you went to her apartment for pete's sake. That's pursuing.

Second, you mentioned that she is very confusing. I am guessing that you are very confusing to her as well. Just read through all of these posts, one day you are going dark, the next you have a long text convo, then you say your are going dark again, then you go have coffee, then you say you are ready for the divorce (I think you've said that a few times before).

Anyway, I don't want to get out the 2x4 but just wanted to point out that maybe you should just take a deep breath for a while and really just focus on being happy with you.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

NTX - I agree with what you are saying for the most part; Jon is all over the place (sorry Jon). One minute he is done, and the next he is telling his w "I love you".

Nonetheless, Jon's w is clearly not done and is dragging Jon along with her on the roller coaster. So my question for you NTX is this: what are we LBSs supposed to do when our WASs pursue us? All I have heard is "accept some invitations but not others". I believe that this is what Jon thinks he is doing. Only it seems that Jon gets an invitation twice a day.

When we move beyond he initial period when our WAS is totally done to the sort of gray area, I don't really get the the going dark thing. I thought that DBing was more about doing what works than going dark. I personally think that Jon needs to work on changing the way he interacts with W rather than avoiding her.