Living My Life

[littleGTO]

PS- I think your on-line name should be positive spin!!!

If I ever go on-line I will probably use turtlegirl or little GTO...I've gotten attached to these identities!!

Interesting...so I come home with 2/3 of my boys from a ball game this evening and go for a walk (too dark to bike). H comes by to drop off S11 while I am gone (I walked for 1/2 hour). So, he comes looking for me in the neighborhood (he travels the OPPOSITE direction to go back to his aptmt)..wonders why I've been gone so long!!!

I could be having a fling with cute guy and IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS ANY MORE!!! He seemed relieved to find me walking.

I find it ironic that he does whatever he wants (and I really don't care what that is any more) and yet he is SOOOOO concerned about what I'm doing. I don't get this at all!

Had lunch w my 2 co-workers and both of them told me that they think I will be in another R before the end of this school year. I guess time will telll! That actually makes me feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel if I can just get through it without getting stuck or finding a little hole to crawl into during the journey.

I am just not a person who likes to be alone. I enjoy my alone time in small doses (like when I work out/go for a bike ride). I have reflected on my life and I have pretty much ALWAYS had a boyfriend or dated.

Before I met my H I had dated and was engaged to another man for 4 1/2 years! I had a short transitional R right away after I broke off the engagement and then met H shortly after that.

Some people think we need to be alone after such a long R... but I feel like I've been alone, NO, I HAVE been alone for almost 2 years- emotionally. So, even though I am not yet D'ed, I don't think I need a long grieving period--I've already done that.

Just need to decide WHEN I am ready to pull the plug. Not easy to make that final decision...it is so permanent .

[BrightFuture]

GTO, I understand the feeling about making the final decision. I’m kind of in the same boat on this.

Being alone after a long R is not for everyone. Only you can decide when you are ready for another R.

Your H feels that you are pulling away, this why he is concerned. He also probably knows that you will not be alone for a long time.

[tori2012]

GTO, stopping by to say hello. I agree with BF. I suggest you spend time away from your H and all the other men so you can clear your head. We'll talk more when we see each other in person.
((((((((((((()))))))))))))

[willbwell]

GTO, I wish I was where you are in coming closer to (perhaps??) knowing what you want. I hate this back and forth. one day, I am empathetic to h, the next think he can go jump off a cliff(not really, but you know what I mean) Everyday I am so accommodating to him, other days, I want to scream.leave us alone! texting kids only makes you feel better! they don't want a text, they want a dad at home.
You see my rage still coming out.
I too though, know I deserve much more than h is giving me right now, which is 0!!
so, do take your time. that's all I got. Keep posting because I am following along...

[FindingPatience]

GTO,You haven't heard from me, but I feel like I know you from following your story for a couple months now. I am similar to you in many ways, and following your back and forth convinced me to work on finding some patience instead of healing my ego in the arms of someone new (and ultimately not right). I believe that your marriage still has a chance and that you are on the right path with your detachment. May I suggest that you wait to make any final decisions until you learn that you will be okay alone? The desperation of not wanting to be alone can't be helping with h and won't help you find and make good choices in the dating world. Keep working on you until you have your power back.

Thank you for sharing your story. You have undoubted helped many more people than you realize!!!

[littleGTO]

Thanks for your thoughts, BF, Tori & willbewell!

Can't wait to see you, Tori...its' been a while!

BF, my H does think I will find someone quickly, and for him, I'm guessing (yes, mind-reading) that bothers him more than he wants to admit (cake-eating will end for him).

Had a C appointment today...she suggested stepping back from H and just collecting my sense of strength that I had been coming into before making any decisions. Nice to know she agrees w my fellow DBers here!

She also said my recent interactions w H reveal that I was taking the little signals my H was giving (supposed NC w OW, 2 I love yous in one day, genuine hugs) as signs of hope. ANd, in fact, they were not.

In my opinion they were just things he did and said to make himself feel better..out of his own guilt and regret.

He did say (last weekend) that he was sorry for everything that had happened to cause us to be where we are today (this was the second time he's done this). Too bad I feel like to truly be sorry your actions need to match your apology-- his do not at all.

THis week has been all about avoidance for me. I have barely come across H by choice. I just can't be around him right now. I need my space.

This weekend is a 3-day weekend & right now we do not have a scheduled plan about which night he will get the boys. I don't look forward to him "hanging around" at all! I don't want to talk.

Spending more time "browsing" on the dating site...it is my new little hobby just for fun! LOL!!!

[willbwell]

Hi GTO, how's it going?
I get text from h says let's talk process. Then says have a good day at school.
Really??

[FlyOnTheWall]

Which dating site you using GTO, maybe i'll look you up /wink.

I think its great that YOU realize what you need to do for yourself right now. I know exactly where your coming from when you say you just need to stay away. Its a way of staying off that roller coaster. Any why the he!! not, its not like the ride was any fun.

How are you holding up?

[jp787]

How are you GTO?