He's the confused one...

[BRNR]

Having a day today that I haven't had in a while...Need to vent.

So, nothing has changed...for better or worse. I am still dealing with all the issues that I have posted about before.

I think I have been keeping my life so full and busy, that everything really just took a back seat...including my feelings about it.

I sent the attorney a check for the retainer for the divorce proceedings. I want it done, but I don't want to relive the pain and trauma that I know this will bring out...

So feeling some sort of way today, but can't explain it.

[AJM]

Can't say as I'm surprised by the feelings. They come in waves. During the initial impact, kind of all at once (or so it feels) or very quickly one after the other. Over time, you learn to "swim" and then to "surf" these waves. They spread out in terms of time they occur.

But they still come from time to time. They last less time when they do, as you get further from BD.

It's not what you wanted, it's not pleasant, but it is a step toward healing, BRNR. It gets better. Seriously.



Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Hi everyone. It's been awhile. I had a weekend pretty much alone. The first in a long while, and it gave me time to reflect on a lot of things.

So for starters, stb ex dropped the assault charges without them going to trial. He did it the day we were suppose to have court, practically minutes before we were called.

Secondly, I finally got my order for child support, spousal support, and custody of our two sons. He didn't fight anything on it although he did have attorney representation.

Third, stb ex has moved in with gf an hour away. As soon as he is fully out of the apartment located five minutes away, the children will probably only see him every other weekend. How sad.

So a lot has happened, including a letter from stb exes attorney that he will be filing for divorce soon. I haven't talked to H since the first week of July, so that's three months for me. Nothing, not even a conversation about the children.

I realized today it has been a year since bomb drop. The year actually flew by fast once I wised up. I honestly stopped counting and didn't even realize that one, it had been a year and two, I hadn't talked to H in 3 months.

I have pretty much moved on from the sitch, it is only when significant things happen or come up that I even think about him anymore. I guess this means I don't love him any longer. I really don't miss him, and can't see him ever being in my life. Which is a shock, because I keep thinking, "hey, we have kids together, he will always be there", but honestly he hasn't been, by his choosing and mine.

I started dating, and have given up on the idea recently. While I think I am ready, I just wasn't finding what I wanted in a man. My ex couldn't even fulfill those qualities now, and honestly, even his pre-MLC self might have not been able to either.

From what I can tell, H has deepened himself in the rabbit hole. He has totally cut himself off from his former life, right down to the financial obligations in it, his children, his extended family. Everything. He really wiped the slate clean and started over.

I reflected and asked myself if I would want my old life again, him included. My answer right now is no. While I am not fully happy with everything, I know he doesn't fit in what a happy life would look like for me.

I find that sad. I loved and cherished this man like no other, and now I could care less if he fell off the face of the earth. I don't know what this says about me, but it seems very cold to feel that way.

So I have lost all feelings and have been feeling really indifferent about everything. This year has taught me a lot about myself and just how strong I am.

So now I am wondering what my future holds. I am kinda in a holding pattern on what to do, how to move forward, and what my future looks like. I really am just letting things happen these days, good or bad. It's the only way I can see living right now.

[job]

I am glad you posted an update. WOW! A lot has happened since July and I'm glad the assault charge was dropped and you are getting child support as well as custody of your sons. I'm w/you in the fact that he may only see them every other weekend and then again, he may not come around for quite some time.

Right now, he's licking his wounds and is going to go into the euphoric stage w/his gf because it's all new and exciting to him. It will get old after awhile when she starts demanding things of him. But, it's too little too late for him w/his former life.

Give yourself some time to heal from this mess. I do not think you are ready to seriously date. You've got to have time to decompress from all that your h put you through. When the time is right, you'll know.

I'm sorry things didn't work out w/your marriage, but you've been a very strong believer and tried everything you could to save your marriage. No one knows what the future holds, but I'm betting it's going to be a very good and happy one for you and your boys.

Please take care of yourself and tell those boys each and every day just how much you love them.

Please don't be a stranger...we are always here for you and your boys any time.

[BRNR]

So an update...

I sent STB EX H an email regarding a doctors appt the boys have this week. i sent this email two weeks ago and indicated that the appointment was during his visitation and to please let me know how he wanted it handled. Well, I got no response...here is the exchange of email...it wasn't good.

ON 10/4/13 - H, S14 and S10 have a dental cleaning schedule for 10/16/13 at 5:45 and 6:30 at DENTIST on STREET. Please advise how you want to handle that since it is on a Wednesday night (during your visitation). Thanks.

ON 10/13/13 - H, Second request. Please advise or I will make a decision. Thanks. BRNR

BRNR - You will have to reschedule it to a day the boys are not with me. Wednesdays and Thursdays are my time with them. Thanks. H

H, Not rescheduling. Your time with them also needs to involve medical and other priorities. Either I take them and you forgo the time or you take them. Another option is to give me sole custody of the kids. Since you wanted joint, this is also your responsibility as thier parent.BRNR

BRNR,I don't have a problem taking the boys to doctor or dentist or physician visits during my time with them. You should know that of all people. I was the one who did it all the time, remember? I will not forgo my time on Wednesday with them and I will not be taking them to the dentist that day. You scheduled a dentist visit on my time without approval and expect me to comply. I have something planned on that day with them and you will have to reschedule. It's my time and you do not have the right to tell me how to spend it with them. You will not be getting full custody of the boys. It is joint custody as the court said. Since I am paying for the boys medical coverage which includes dental, the least you could do is take them. And take them on a day that is on your time. Thanks. H

H, It's not about you, it's about the kids. I will not be responsible for all the business arrangements of the kids that you "pay for". They are people not your toys to play with when you feel it is convenient. This appointment has been scheduled for months which I notified you about several months ago. I have the email where you said you had no problems taking them. Get off your f'ing a$$ and be a f'king parent you douche bag. File the f'ing divorce already and move to f'ing CITY with the b1tch you left me for, and let's call it a day. BRNR

Now before I get hit with the 2x4's, yes, I know I was wrong. But I am maxed with not only the finacial responsibilities of our children, but I have been doing everything for them while H plays Disney Dad. I lost it, I am human, and I learned from it. So no 2x4's needed, I gave myself a good lashing yesterday.

On other matters, I confided in my SisIL, about the situation. Her and H have never gotten along and she has her own custody things she deals with so I asked for advice. She said he was crazy and I needed to stand my ground. So the line is in the sand I guess maybe even a little of a boundary. I haven't had to set one of those in a long while.
But interestingly, my SIL told me on her own that H confided to his mom, (my MIL) that things aren't working out with OW and he is not moving and they are done.

So, where does that leave me, it doesn't. I want nothing to do with H. He has all kinds of other issues that I don't want to be involved in. Creditors are coming at him left and right, his car is probably going to be repo'd soon due to not paying, and he is on the verge of losing his job. Not someone I want in my life. Besides the love is really lost at this point. I am over it and him. I am looking to a brighter future.

So, I just posted, because after going silent on H for months (3.5 I believe) this was our first exchange.

But, ya know. Reality is setting in on him hard. And it looks like rock bottom for him his near. Maybe he will start to climb out of that dark hole soon. Here is to wishing H the best in that.

Til next time.

[job]

You will not get a 2x4 from me today. You've been far more patient than I would have been. You gave him ample notification of the appointments and he replied that he had no problem w/that. It's not your problem he can't remember things and that's why he should have a calendar to write things down on. As a parent, he needs to be more available and receptive to changes. Like you said, they are people and not toys to pull out the closet to play w/when you so desire.

Stand your ground because if you back down on this one, he'll pull this crap again. Your sil is correct in advising you to stand your ground and set that boundary. I don't think he realizes that even if he takes them to their appointments he is still spending time w/them. How long does it take for the children to see a dentist...2 hours tops?

Yes, your h is on the verge of losing everything and yet, he's still acting like an utter @ss. Well, it will be interesting to see what transpires in the weeks to come w/the holidays rolling in quickly.

BTW, you are only human and can only take so much when they are acting like @sses. Sometimes they need that good old bashing to see that you are human and won't take any more of their crap.

Hang in there!

[BRNR]

So H replied...

You have the audacity to tell me to be a parent. I don't play with them like toys....you do! Stop filling the boys heads with garbage that I left you for another woman. I left you because you sucked as a wife. You neglected me and our relationship. I told you I was done with the relationship well before I ever met OW. Take responsibility for your own actions and lack thereof. The divorce papers have been filed. Sign off and we can expedite quickly. And stop crying the blues to my family....they're tired of hearing your sh!t. You wanted nothing to do with them while we were married and now you want them as allies to be on your side. Don't you realize they tell me all the sh!t that comes out of your mouth. And it's a lot of sh!t, no truth. Stop involving them!

My response was "HAHAHAH...LMAO"

This must be the drama H got in his relationship with OW, because I never heard him talk like that. He has literally gone crazy...

[job]

He feels he's been pushed up against the wall, so he's coming out lashing. I think he's hit the really angry stage because he's not getting what he wants. Don't respond back, but keep the text message just in case you need it later on.

His hissy fit will need to settle down and it might take a while, but I certainly wouldn't change the appointments for the kids. He's exerting his "power" to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Don't do it.

He certainly doesn't like the idea of you not playing along w/what he wants. Poor boo boo. Life really is a @itch for them. LOL!

[BRNR]

Okay...I did more stupid things and I need to get back on track of being me.

I sent OW an email just telling her to "Reign in her man" It didn't end good...I blocked H and OW from contacting me via those channels...I just want to be done with the whole thing....

Slap me silly people but here is the email exchange between me and OW...

OW, Please reign in your man. BRNR

BRNR, Reign him in? What is he, a horse? This is just further proof that you have no idea how to treat a man. I feel sorry for you. You have no business contacting me, don't do it again. OW

OW. Hahaha....you are so right, I don't know how to treat a man. But you can tell me that because you know me? I guess you believe everything he tells you. Look I just want him to leave me alone and move on with his life. I thought you could help. It's fine, I won't contact you, I don't even know why I really did in the first place, you are really no better than he is. I hope you two have a happy life with each other. I really do mean that. Thanks for your time. BRNR

BRNR, What part of "don't contact me" was difficult for you to understand? I will file harassment charges, and this time, you will be stuck with them. I don't drop
> charges. Everything H has said about you has held true. You just proved him right on another statement he has made about you: you can't follow simple directions.
>
> If by leave you alone, you mean that you want H to run all your errands, and jump through all of your little hoops, I can assure you, he won't. He's not married to you anymore. And your wish was granted a long time ago, he has moved on, and that's an understatement.
>
> Thanks for the well wishes, we are very happy together. One last time, here are some simple instructions that you need to follow, regardless of how difficult that is for you: don't contact me.OW

[job]

Don't respond to her because she's going to set you up w/another court order. She has no control over him either, in fact she may just be egging him on and that's why he's the way he is w/you. She sounds so much like the ow I met many years ago, but you know what...they are meant to be together during this time and they are two peas in a pod right now. Nothing you say or do will change that. Your h has vilified you in order to leave and act out.

Do what you have to do to take care of you and your family. Don't rely on him for nothing because he's really so far into himself he won't care. It's all about fun and sticking it to you right now because in his mind, you are holding him back. Bottom line, the only person holding him back is himself. He will protect the ow till the end of time and she will do the same for him regardless of what the situation is.

Please be careful.