Learning to detach

[job]

WR,
Hopefully you slept well last night. I'm happy to see that your h texted you back. He will be well taken care of and there is no need to sit and worry about him today. If he needs you, he will contact you or your sons.

As for your son not receiving any information for 22 hours, that may have been the wishes of your h, not his aunt. Your h may have wanted to wait until he was out of surgery before his son was told. Maybe he didn't want he family coming to the hospital and worrying about him, who knows what goes on in their crazy little minds. But, at least your son was told after the fact and that's important because his father could have chosen not to tell him at all.

Try to enjoy your day and allow God to work on your h.

[Whiterose]

Hi Portia. H exchanged our honda for his dream truck (new to him as well) and I found out when I saw it listed as one of his assetts on his declaration. Just found out tonight, I had been thinking this had happened for the last week though, that he has rented a basement suit on the Shore. He's always wanted to move back there.....brief story. He moved here from another province after his dad finished his last affair and brought the wife and kids over and they lived on the Shore until H turned 16/17 when his parent's declared bankruptcy for the second time and they had to move into his sister's basement suite in a suburb a 50 minute drive away. We were actually looking at houses to buy there before H left. He really wanted to move back but it's only accessible via two bridges that can be a commuters nightmare. I guess he can be happy he's finally back?!?!?

I'm trying to become self sufficient but honestly how can these men just leave and abandon their responsibility with no real consequences?? It boggles my mind and explains a large reason why there are so many screwed up children and adults!

S18 is physically a man but due to his ADHD and learning diaabilititues his mental age is closer to 16 and it causes him a lot of stress and he begins to spin. It's a vicious cycle.

[Whiterose]

Hi job (interesting new name by the way....any particular meaning?)

He's home and resting on his cot in his new suite I would guess. He messaged S18 today to say that he may not go to his sister's house for thanksgiving tomorrow now as he can't stand or sit for any length of time. Too sore. Really?? What exactly do you ever do for a meal? You can't sit, lie or stand at their house? I know they have comfy furniture! I have a feeling it's more he has no desire to go and experience a family day without half his family.....not that he'd admit that. I'm sure I'm mind reading right now too.

Had a good day. Had a bit of a cry just before serving thanksgiving dinner tonight. It was hard, and weird, not having him there. I guess this is part of the process. It's very hard

[willbwell]

hi WR, I too have boys ages 20 & 17. h is no longer legally responsible for s20(who is having the hardest time in dealing with all of this)h will only be responsible for s17 for one more year. they are still children. they still need our care. we don't drop them at the curb and say 'have a nice life'.

our thanksgiving is coming up. last year I did invite h to come for the meal. been thinking I won't this year. time to start a new normal.
my h has cut off contact with his side of family. not that they are supportive of h. it is hard. the costs for his 'freedom' have been so high.
We are champions! we can get through. Don't forget it. Show your boys!

[job]

Happy Thanksgiving!
I do hope that you and your boys have something special planned for today, even though you had your dinner last night. You pretty much guessed why he may not go to his sister's house. He doesn't want to have to deal w/a happy family setting and it's a reminder of what he's done. What better excuse to stay away but a recovery from surgery? Some of them like to play the martyr for attention as well. You know how people will say "poor h, he had surgery and he's at home recovering all alone, etc."

Mlcers tend to go back to the place where it all began. In your h's case, the shore. It's funny how they go back in time right to the place where they were emotionally stunted to begin their journey forward and grow up.

I do hope you were able to get a good night's sleep. Today is a new day and hopefully you will feel much better.

Take care.

[kml]

S18 is physically a man but due to his ADHD and learning diaabilititues his mental age is closer to 16 and it causes him a lot of stress and he begins to spin. It's a vicious cycle.

Some exciting new studies came out this year showing that phosphatidylserine (an amino acid supplement, very safe to take) works very well for ADD. In the study I saw, they used 100 mg twice a day for kids (although adults can take up to 200 mg twice a day, I read).

I put my boyfriend on it (he was treated for ADD as a child and definitely has some ADD traits still) at just 100 mg twice a day, and some gingko (because he has a history of mild brain injury) and he said the difference was very noticeable within a WEEK. I can see it too, he's much calmer and less scattered, better able to focus.

You can find the studies if you go to pubmed.com and put "phophatidylserine AND ADHD" into the search engine. Phosphatidylserine is available over the counter in the U.S., I ordered mine from Life Extension (lef.org).

[Whiterose]

Hi WBW
You're so right! You don't put them on the curb and say "well, hope it turns out for ya!" S18 starts college in January and H will have to give me child support for him. I've kept track of your thread and know that your H spins uncontrollably as well. I do agree with you that maybe this year don't invite him........they want to do it on their own, right? It's hard though. We want to make sure they're ok and meanwhile they can't give us the time of day.

Hi Job
OK so I'm on the right track I guess. I thought I was overthinking it but maybe what I'm reading in him is true. When S18 gets the message from his dad we'll know which way the wind is blowing for H today.
Thank you for your thanksgiving wishes. S14 and I, as well as my sisters, are going on a hike today (funnily enough on the shore) and then maybe stop for a donut and then home to do some housework and make dinner before the week starts up again. I see my lawyer again tomorrow to finalize my form 8 financials and then H will get a copy and we'll be off to the races.

Hi KML . Thanks for stopping in! I've never seen the research but it sounds very interesting. I'll look into it definitely. I may even add it to S14's daily regimen as well. Although he's not officially diagnosed I think it would help with his separation anxiety.

Thank you for stopping in everyone

[Whiterose]

Well, the inlaws, with H in the car picked up S18 for dinner. That was hard to watch happen. My mil posted a photo of a very awful lookin H on fb. I know he just had surgery but he looks like crap! I've had surgeries and looked better!! Also, saw a pic of his twin nieces with a reindeer, one of the guys made it at H's work for him last year at Christmas so I gave it back to him, thought at first he had given it to the girls and then realized NOPE that is his new bedroom. With a bare mattress, pillow and duvet blanket sitting on the floor. With his other nieces desk sitting beside it......I'm like THIS IS BETTER????? It looks like a frat room! Just needs some ac/dc posters on the walls and it's home, no?

So random thing happened at dinner last night. My sil, the one whom I had been in contact with and then called S18 to tell him to make time for his dad and I needed to stop playing the victim, commented on a pic I had posted telling people about my sister's pregnancy. She then private messaged me to say happy thanksgiving. I thanked her and wished her the same and thanked her for he well wishes for my sister. She then told me she had deleted the comment as she wasnt sure they'd accept it. Is said of course they would and that they thanked her. OK REALLY IS THE ENTIRE FAMILY ON CRACK?? Why on earth would my sister not accept well wishes in regards to a new baby? Do they think so poorly of us?!?!! Then today she sent me a text.....the first one since I asked about her dad.

Sil
Hello. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts today and all that is going on with you and Jean is weighing heavy on my heart. I hope you had a nice time with your family last night. Please tell S14 I say happy thanksgiving

Me
Basically said that the week has been hard and all of us have had moments of melt downs and H's surgery threw me even more into a tailspin. I did say that I'm very angry at what has been said/ done in the last few weeks but continue to love and worry for H and I'm torn. I told her dinner was fun but his presence was missed and that S14 is not in a good way and I'm trying my best to work him through it. I then asked her to give her two kids a hug from me

Sil
She had a few triggers, making cranberry sauce which is really only made for me and one other sister, set her crying. She was going to feed S18 well and spend time with him and hopes to see S14 soon

Me
Comment on how I love cranberry sauce. Let her know S14 is back in counselling at school to give him words to express his anger, fear and confusion.

Sil was glad to hear that


I don't understand these people?!?! You treat me and my kids like parriiha and then send me messages about how you're crying making cranberry sauce? I just don't understand any of them!

[willbwell]

I know...crazy. h's apt has a mattress and a recent sofa and tv purchase. kids don't want to stay there.
I am thinking I will not invite h this thanksgiving. time to start a new normal he can see the kids on Fri after.

[job]

WR,
The frat house style of living appears to be the norm for some of them. You have to remember, he's gone back in time and maybe this is his way of reliving his life back then. Also, they want to appear to be victims and have no money, but as they continue to "grow", things will change w/them.

Your inlaws are a bit unusual. I'd be very careful sharing anything w/them as they turned against you and because of a holiday, opt to start texting...it makes me think that guilt had a hand in that. Be careful what you share w/the sil...she may be fishing at times.

As for your h looking like crazy after surgery, well he may have looked a bit under the weather before hand and it carried over after surgery. He'll recover and look a bit better in a couple of weeks. He needs his rest and the tlc that he'll get from his sister. Don't worry...he'll be fine and right as rain again very soon.

Good luck today and I hope you can get things worked out at the lawyer's office. Hang in there!